For just about 4 years now, Brooke and I have built a small handmade cookie business from nothing but a thought or idea to a commercial/wholesale cookie and frozen cookie dough manufacturing business. If you’ve ever started a business from scratch then you know what it’s like. And if you’ve started a food manufacturing business from scratch then you know even more of what it takes and what goes into that process. I’m not going to go into all the details of the business but lets just say we leaned on our DIY mentality, we ran with a “trial and error” approach a lot of the time, we insisted on getting feedback from our customers along the way (we needed to know the good and bad), we learned A LOT, we had the support and following of hundreds to thousands of cookie fans, and we did all the work on our own. Let me clarify that last part: we had some amazing people help us early in our web design and graphic design for our logo which was huge to engage with professionals in very specific areas (thank you Stacy and Anna) and then we learned to take on those tasks on our own after that. I like to think that as our cookies got better and better, so did the potential of what could come of this… and we turned it into a business.

All of that is not without some reservations and some challenges, of course. In the summer of 2020 as the pandemic was straining families across the globe, we were no different. Except we had more of a struggle with Shane, our Autistic adult son, and our middle child. Our daughters; Ryan and Delaney who are both older and younger than Shane respectively were embarking on new directions with work and school and coping with their lives and what was going on around them. I was working full time in Retail Management and nearing about 27 years in retail at the time and Brooke had been working part time at a local restaurant for a while at that point. But we were strained a lot when Shane’s transition program (school) went to “virtual learning”. Ha, “virtual learning” for a non-verbal person with some severe behavioral challenges… that made us laugh at first… then reality set in. It became apparent that Shane was not going to engage in virtual activities and, thus, he was now home all day every day and we had to figure out life now in this capacity. It was always on our mind that we had to come up with a plan for him after his program was ending by 2022 anyway, but this forced us into something we weren’t ready for yet. Brooke took the brunt of the life at home as her part time job got shut down and I stayed on at my job for the time being. But that summer while chatting with friends and neighbors around a bonfire, we decided to come up with a “side hustle” to try to make some money while being home now with Shane. And since it looked like this was going to be the new life for a while we might as well find something we enjoy and can do from home. Long story a little shorter… The Cookie Lab was soon born. And we slowly grew it into a Cottage Food business, then online sales through our website started, then we went wholesale and started producing commercially in a large commercial kitchen, then we moved to Silver Lake, MN and moved cookie operations to another kitchen and we grew even more. All the while, it was still Brooke and I developing recipes, making dough, baking cookies, creating packaging and labeling, filling orders, etc etc. We had been doing it all. There have been so many late nights spent in the kitchen making dough or baking off cookies and bagging cookies. Late nights were when this work could get done a lot of the time especially when Shane had bad days. And, yes, Shane has a lot of bad days. By the summer of 2023, Brooke and I were both staying at home caring for Shane as his support staff. Once Shane’s transition program officially ended there was not a program or place for Shane to get in to. Not only are there very few options; but of those few options even close, the waitlists are extremely long – years and years long – but none of them are really set up to handle Shane and his specific needs. We knew this for some time and we knew it was going to be the two of us taking care of Shane. And we have welcomed this fact every single day regardless of Shane’s challenges (that’s all for other blog posts).

So The Cookie Lab grew more and more. We pushed our online presence and participated in local farmers’ markets and sales increased even more after moving out to Silver Lake. We even connected with restaurants and grocery stores who could sell and offer our cookies or frozen dough. And we still did it, just Brooke and I. Side note here: we would have loved to have brought on a person to help with this but the business was only making enough money to break even as we still work to pay down our debt from the start up and put everything back into the business growth. And we had several conversations with people across the country that wanted to be a part of our growth and partner with us and invest in our story and our vision and our cookies. But if we did that, we lose a lot of control and we lose some of our focus. So Brooke and I continued to make the business grow on our own. This isn’t a pity party for us at all; this is just telling how it is. Working like this to build something takes countless hours and focus and we put it all in. We recently realized we were on the brink of another growth phase which would normally be another exceptional feat for any small business. We had just plateaued a bit for a month or two and we were about to take on growing into another realm of resellers that would dramatically increase our production, our exposure, our sales, and our overall business operations. How could we do MORE? How were we going to be able to produce more, package more, deliver more, ship more? We knew we could do it – sort of. We had done hundreds and hundreds of cookies in one day so it was possible. But at what expense? You see, when Shane has a bad day at home it takes both Brooke and I being there to help get Shane back to himself and to calm the situations. It also takes both of us to distract Shane and handle other things around the house. Shane’s unpredictability is regularly steering our decision making. We both have committed to this life of caring for Shane and he is our priority, as are Ryan and Delaney. Thus, The Cookie Lab needs then get pushed back and pushed back and pushed back until we are up late at the kitchen making dough or we are bagging cookies at 2am for a big order the next day. It’s a lot and we’ve done it. And then we think about taking on so much more business this way and we realized that it wasn’t going to work to keep doing what we’ve been doing. So we’ve made the decision to shut down The Cookie Lab and operations will end this month after a nearly 4 year run. All of the short 4 year history has been memorable for us and many others. But I think now about HOW we even got here and it hit me recently. Relevance.

I worked hard for a long time in my retail leadership roles. It was a career I did well and I truly believe I was a good leader for many and helped many people become great leaders in their roles and in their lives. I know I made an impact. I made relationships for life with my teams and my customers. In my heart, I am a people person and I engage with people and I have always had a strong business acumen and entrepreneurial spirit – which has always made business ownership appealing. As I look back now and think of one of the driving forces that kept me going and being in the roles I was… relevance. I felt I was a relevant part of the business. I was needed. I was sought out. People collaborated with me and I reciprocated. That all was going away when Brooke and I made the decision to leave our jobs and stay home with Shane. I lost my relevance, especially in my professional career and The Cookie Lab had slowly become my way to gaining it back. Talking about cookies or building a business or website design or marketing – it was happening again. I was engaging periodically and it was nice to have our success story to help be relevant again. In all that time it never really occurred to me that was such a huge driving force behind doing what I do or having such a passionate mind and innovative spirit. But was is it necessary? Well, necessary or not, it has been a part of who I am either way. I think I need to take a step back from that and live back among the shadows again for a while.

I am SO proud of Brooke and I for what we have accomplished with The Cookie Lab. But, I am MORE proud that Brooke and I continue to focus on our family needs. Our children are all adults and we will continue to support them in their needs and goals for as long as we are able. THAT is the “relevance” that matters most. It has taken a long time to realize this. My relevance in my professional career what just that, and now that is gone and in the eyes and hearts of my family, my relevance lies with them. It’s all that matters.

Here we go again with a trivial title to this latest post. And, as much as this is a “blog”, this will probably have more of an “Op-Ed” feel to it, maybe.

There are so many topics that zoom in and out of my brain to write about. And each of them hold some level of importance to me, my family or those around me especially. Those topics are usually more passion topics and ones that I hold a very strong stance on one way or another. This particular topic is really one that I am still questioning because it keeps evolving with little to no real change happening. Make a note of that last line as you’ll see a theme eventually.

Currently our nation is in several precarious situations and I am not here to talk about all of them in one post. But, one of the biggest challenges that is hitting us all is that of inflation (rising costs of just about everything) along with relative stagnation of wages. Before you jump on my case about specifics – I’m not going there. These are perspectives and will intertwine with all of our realities and you can look up more details if you wish. Let me get to the gist of all this right now – the average American is barely scraping by… and it’s proving more and more difficult with little to no real relief in sight.

When I say “relative stagnation” in regards to wages, I’m pretty close. In the last 3ish years wages have increased between 4-5%. Again, we’re going to stick with close and relative numbers as we know there are many variables and additional specifics that can change this a little bit either way. So, again, we’ll work with this average. If the median national household income is approximately $80,000 per year (gross, of course) and we all know there are millions and millions of households living well below that income – then how are we able to truly thrive, let alone survive, when these wages don’t keep up with the expenses? This year alone we have seen strikes taking place for workers (in unions) to fight for increased wages and better benefits for themselves and their families. Look at UPS and the outcome achieved for their workers to get a substantial increase in wages and other benefits (and they DIDN’T actually strike). Then there are the various teachers’ unions and healthcare workers and manufacturing and transportation workers (with unions as well) – all out there fighting for more income and better benefits and working conditions. The writers’ strike finally ended with some better news for those behind the scenes in and around the movie and television industry. This is America and Capitalism is alive and well. And this allows all of these people the opportunity to seek more money. And, if the companies and organizations listen and agree, they’ll pay it. But then what? What happens after that? When the costs of living keep increasing and these workers – ALL WORKERS – feel the pinch again – what happens then? Do they go back and fight for more? Is there anything the average “non-union” worker can even hope for? How do they advocate and partner with someone that can help? Unions can always help… until they don’t. But for the millions of Americans wanting better pay or benefits, you’ll have to ride that struggle bus with the rest of us and keep going after what you need.

For companies (especially the larger ones) to pay more, they have to look at all of their expenses and make adjustments in other places. That’s common and something smart business owners should always do. Then, when the belt is tightened again, they look at their sales (their income stream) and look at areas where they can make up the money they need to pay the additional wages, benefits, etc. to their workers. And you know what happens; the vicious cycle of price increases happens with the shit then rolling downhill again to the workers and consumers having to take the hit… I mean PAY for it. It’s the nature of the beast. It’s part of business, it’s part of the economy and it’s part of what has made our nation very strong for starting, owning and growing businesses. So these great big businesses and corporations are back to making great money and profits, and the costs of living are still climbing. Did anything change for the better? Or change for the long term? No, not really. Will the workers strike again to force the hands to pay them more when the tough times hit them again? Will these businesses start increasing wages regularly at a higher percentage every year? It’s a pipe dream – but possible.

I don’t know THE answer, as I’m just here with an opinion and perspective on this. And I am well aware there are many different answers that we can apply to this. So I am going to give you my FIRST answer and it’s as real as you can expect. However, you need to understand the primary reasons that so many of us, if not all, are feeling the financial pinch every payday or with every bill paid. Look at where our money is going. If you want to earn more and take more money home – yes we all do – then we need to truly question where our hard earned money keeps going. You guessed it – the Government. Both state governments and the Federal Government continue to take more and more from everyone and there is no end in sight for these increases. Yes, I’m talking taxes and anything and everything that can be construed as a tax or fee paid to the entities that sit in buildings that were never designed to be a business; but that’s how they’re being run. Maybe you’ve seen the writings and social media posts, the memes and videos talking about how your money keeps getting taxes wherever you go: the federal government takes taxes, the states take taxes, you pay taxes when you spend your already taxed money and pay taxes on things you’ve already paid for and paid taxes for. A favorite example here is how we pay taxes on vehicles then a “registration fee” to keep the vehicle on the road – just a form of a tax. But that’s a small snippet of where our money continues to go without us having any say at all. There’s also the perspective of “fair share” when it comes to corporations and the wealthy paying more. But really, if you haven’t done your homework on this then it’s not a talking point and won’t matter. In the most recent data released (from 2020) it showed the top 1% of income earners paid out over 40% of the total Federal Income Tax. Hmm, it seems that many DO pay their fair share and yet we still have a problem. The tax code is broken and needs to be thrown out and re-done. But really, do you think for a minute that even if the ultra wealthy or large corporations who pay little to no taxes do so on purpose? No, they do so because they CAN. Because they’re allowed to and because they’re following the tax codes. And even so, at the end of the day, do you think that anymore taxes collected would really make a dent in helping everyday working middle and lower class Americans? Nope, it won’t happen. If the governments were able to get more money; they’re keeping and spending it on passion projects or sending it overseas – that’s another conversation that everyday Americans need to have as well.

You know I am not an economist or an accountant or lawyer or anything of the sort. I’m just one of the millions and millions and millions of Americans who continue to see our hard earned money get taken from us… with no say where it goes or how it is spent. That seems a little shitty to me. So where’s the line going to be drawn? When do the corporations and large businesses realize that their people are striking for better wages because the government keeps taking more and more from them and the costs of living keep going up? Will they every push back on the government to slow that down? Most likely not. When will the hard-working tax paying citizens ever get financial security while doing all they can to mitigate their own expenses and costs? When does it stop? Or, better yet at least… when does it just get better? It sure was better at one point.

Now look back to the beginning here and read that line again; “…I am still questioning because it keeps evolving with little to no real change happening”. We have to make the change happen. We have to talk REAL impact and facts and the reality of the situations. Then, we have to ACT on it and make big changes. And only then will we start to see things get better.

Earlier today I had a moment of emotion come over me and had a few tears fall from my eyes. Or it was really cold and my eyes were thawing the freezing air. But no, that wasn’t it, I was inside. Maybe it was the onions I was chopping up for dinner? Nah… nothing for dinner tonight anyway. I guess it truly was me shedding some tears. You see how I poked fun at the moment? Even during a moment of sincerity I can be overly sarcastic and an ass. It’s a deflection possibly or a way to lessen the impact of the moment. I think there are ways that we all do that.

During a recent afternoon it was yet another one of the overwhelming moments after a chaotic period with Shane. That day there was another sacrificed Apple device that met its maker. It didn’t stand a chance at putting up a fight when Shane is upset. His first frustration on an ill-performing device is to beat the shit out of it, then throw it, then beat it more and then hold it at the ends try to break it in half – you know, like you or I would try to snap a stick or something. Eventually, the device was nearly non-operational. The slow demise of this device has been coming for a day or two ahead of this but Shane kept his cool for the most part and worked through the issues better than he had at other times. Brooke and I decided we would actually replace it, yet again, with a new one since getting the current one fixed wasn’t going to cost much less than replacing it. And we will still repair the other one later as a “back up”. And this has been our routine with devices for years now. Some of you have followed our up and down and back and forth relationship with Apple and their programming changes and even more so – Shane’s (and our) utter reliance on these devices… all day long. In all, I would estimate that we have been through 10+ iPad’s in about 10 years as well as more than 12 different iPhone/iPod devices as well. And we won’t go down the road of TV’s and DVD players though – that’s another blog post maybe. Despite not being the biggest fan of these devices they have become a crutch for Shane and for us to help him get through his day. No, we are not going to discuss removing them from him. Anyway, I ordered one for pick up and got it after work today and brought it home. Shane was still doing “OK” with the current one but it was pissing him off more and more. We have a long process of restoring the new device with the backup of the current one. Then we have to go in a check all the settings again (some don’t move with the restore process) and we have to download more items that don’t automatically download to the new device. All in all it can take a couple more hours before it is ready to hand over to Mr. Grumpy Shane. Well, by the time I was nearing completion of the update with the new device – Shane was full blown pissed at the device and it flew across the room a couple times (just a few more dents in the wall to repair). Thankfully, he came upstairs as I was putting the case on the new one and he saw that he was getting a new device and almost immediately calmed down. Still anxious, but calmer for sure. I had double and triple checked everything as usual and felt good to hand it off…

That’s when the silence came. He was quiet(er), calm(er) and was content and happy again with a brand new spiffy $500 iPad. I sat back down, Brooke had since left to go to work before this all happened and as I sat there… it hit me again! “We can’t keep doing this! But, we have to keep doing this!”. I heard a laugh from Shane down in his dude-cave. I smiled knowing he was happy again… for the moment at least. He giggled some more, I smiled some more then I teared up… because it hit me. He was happy. He was calm. We overcame the challenge and Shane is happy. Yes, it came at a cost – both in dollars and emotions. And I thought more and more about how hard we work and the things we go through to help Shane be happy… because the alternative is absolutely gut-wrenching. And the same thing goes for Ryan and Delaney. There are times that they both go through things that absolutely break us apart inside… but to see the two of them, at any time, smile and laugh will completely change our emotional state immediately.

These are the moments I feel like I am living for and working hard for right now. The laughter. The smiles. The engagement and interaction. It brings everyone to life. In our house, when you go through periods of stress, anxiety or aggressions (in Shane’s case) it can wear you down physically and emotionally. The thoughts creep in like: “How much longer can we do this?” or “What is making this happen?” or the classic “Why me?” and “Why Shane?”. It is so hard to figure out how to deal with and cope with these challenges. In the middle of it all when you feel the weight and pressure of every bad thought compounding minute after minute, it can change in an instant. THAT is what I’m seeking. The change. The positive change. The happiness – smiles laughter – all of it. I’m a glutton for happiness. And it truly happens more often than not – honestly. But the impact does not seem nearly as infectious as the negative and challenging moments. It’s hard to make sense of that. So this is my role at the moment, as a husband and father, is to work to keep the laughter and smiles as prevalent as possible. And as long lasting as they can be. That is, until we can all create new ones. I think my family understands this now and they realize that I make many more concessions than I should – with everything. I give in more. I settle more. I’ve done this more and more in recent years since I’ve realized not everything needs to be a battle or needs to be challenged. If I give in, just know that it is most likely done as a way to get to the Smiles and Laughter again.

You too can seek out the smiles and laughter in your own lives and the world around you. Surround yourselves with those that truly enjoy happiness and laughter. Seek it out in the darkest of times and remember it so it’s easier to return to. If you’ve been through periods of intense stress and emotional complications… and then a smile or laugh makes a true and honest positive impact on you… then you owe it to yourself and others to replicate that experience as often as possible. Be the Smile and the Laugh you want in the world!

Well, here we are again… another calendar year has ended and another has begun. It seems so mundane and boring to type that and to even read it that way. And, there is a chance that it really should seem like that. I mean, honestly, there were so many ups and downs, good and bad, crazy and calm moments that when 2021 came to a close there was a sense of relief to put the last year behind us and to take stock of what we still have after going through the last year and take a breather from it all. **Inhale deep through the nose…. and exhale slowly out of the mouth**… There, a little better, right?

There isn’t much of a point to blast through the big topics of last year when it comes to big events and “media” or “news”… we all have varying opinions on what we saw, heard and felt all year long when it comes to all that. Trust me… I’ll have another post on some of those things pretty soon. Something that I feel IS worthy of reviewing is what I saw in between all the other crap happening – both in our lives here at home and around us. This last year, 2021, was a year I really looked at and listened to people more and more. I listened, learned, adapted and changed and thought more and more about what I am here for. Really, this is true. I spent so much time thinking in my commutes to and from work or during the many sleepless nights and even during the middle of hectic busy days… I dove more and more into my own “WHY”. There have been countless hours spent this past year thinking about my kids and my wife and our lives we have right now, our lives as they were in the past and our lives as I want to envision them in the future. And that’s when something hit really hard in middle of this year like the saying goes “It hit me like a ton of bricks”. A realization that I have had before, many times, hit me again… and then again and again for days and weeks on end. I couldn’t shake it either. In the past I could move on by getting back to work or I would find a project to do or whatever and literally just move on. But this realization was stuck inside my head, my heart, my gut and my soul. My very own “WHY” was being forced out of me.

In the late Spring and early Summer of 2021 I hit a wall. I hit it quietly but I hit it… over and over. Brooke and I had just come through one of the most challenging periods with Shane as we managed 2020 and early 2021. Shane’s behaviors and aggressions were through the roof and we were truly at a loss for what to do. We had very serious late night discussions (because that’s when we could actually talk) about what to do. We talked and researched homes for Shane, we looked into facilities that could take him and care for him and treat him for the unknown. We cried – a lot. We hemmed and hawed about everything as we licked our wounds and picked up the pieces of broken lamps, and pictures and remotes every other thing that was thrown or smashed. We too… were broken. It took a desperate visit with Shane’s Dr. to almost plead for help… “What can we do? What is causing this? Where do we go from here?”. Shane’s Dr. gets it, he deals with similar aspects in his own personal world and knows all too well the struggles Shane goes through as well as all of us. So this meeting was different this time. We asked for help. We talked about EVERYTHING one day and we had a plan at the end of it. Within a couple days Shane was started on some meds that we were unsure of but we had to try something. The meds could cause worse behaviors and it could mask other things… so we treaded lightly and step forward again. The new meds kicked in pretty quick and we saw an almost immediate response with Shane and we felt some tension release. We saw some calmness come over Shane… and subsequently with all of us in the house. It took a few more weeks to truly understand that the new meds were working and we found the best dosing. Shane was tested in other ways as well with a CT scan as well as an MRI in which he did overwhelmingly amazing for both tests. So much so… that I actually still tear up thinking about just those moments and days and how well Shane did. It was almost as if he KNEW what he was going through and that these tests, meds, etc. were being done to help him. Who knows for sure because only he can tell us that… but I like to think that. So by late Spring of 2021 we all felt a better sense of calmness around the house with Shane. That was great news. Throughout the challenges with Shane we did our best to help Delaney navigate her Junior year of high school. She too saw some of her own challenges with school work and virtual classes, volunteering, work, making new friends and even losing old ones. And just doing what she can to keep herself moving through these days. The stress and pressure added to teenagers and school age kids these days is, to put in bluntly, un-fucking-believable. I said what I said. These students are pushed for a damn grade. That’s it. They aren’t given the same tools, structure or support in their learning that may have been taught in the past. We see it regularly; kids now are given information, told to memorize it and then regurgitate it for a test or quiz. There seems to be very little context to the learning. No direction on learning challenges – “Just review it again and do the best you can”. Teachers seem well over worked (we all know that). But also are given requirements that are more than unfair to them as educators as well as their students and the way they learn. I’m getting too far off topic here but will return to this in a later post. So Delaney too, was caught off-guard with Shane’s behaviors. So much so that she spent days at a time at her friends home. She was welcomed in to stay at one of her best friends when the shit would hit the fan here at home with Shane. It was tough to see her have to do it but she wanted to do it so she could not only get away from the chaos of life with her brother but to also focus on her school and the pressures she was feeling. As parents, we struggled with this but we we also knew Delaney needed an opportunity to thrive and even relax. It wasn’t long after that when Ryan also decided to make the move back home after living on her own with roommates for almost a year. She had just made the most important and biggest decision she’d ever made with regards to her own health. She was readying for a life-changing surgery that would (hopefully) rid her of much of the pain and discomfort she had experienced for more than 10 years prior. We welcomed her decision and we more than welcomed her back home as well. We made the hectic transition and surgery was scheduled, completed and Ryan was back home. Then she was back to the ER, then back to the Mayo Clinic, then back to the ER and then back to Mayo again. Woah… a lot happened in a short amount of time (future post coming as well).

After so much happened during the Spring it seemed forever to find a routine again. COVID wasn’t even on our radar most of the time with all that we had going on. But it was always a factor when we had something come up. Like when Shane broke his wrist… that was a debacle that took us having to fight for Shane’s disability rights to get treatment… because of the masks. Anyway, it took some time but we found some routine and calmness but I will not call it “normalcy”. And then, BAM!… I had that realization. Again, it hit me… constantly. The realization is that I couldn’t keep doing what I was doing. And whatever I WAS doing, I couldn’t keep doing it the way it was being done. And I mean all of it: being a husband, being a father, being a business leader, being a business owner, being a friend and neighbor, being a fan and supporter, and even just being me. It hit me that I was failing at all of it and I was crumbling – mostly inside. Sleepless nights caught up to me. Stressful days at work caught up to me. Uncertainty caught up to me. And… it hit me. Like I said it hit me hard. My realization told me that changes were needed and needed in several areas. But the biggest realization that I was either presented with or forced to recognize was what truly mattered to me… my family. Brooke can attest to this (and she does), that I am OVERLY focused on my family and how they are doing – everyone. In other words – or more like Brooke’s words – “You worry a lot”. The word “worry” isn’t meant to be soft or demeaning to myself or anyone else. And it goes along with the work “concern” or “caring” even. Different adjectives driving the same message. You get it… maybe. Well, that’s me. That’s been me. For a LONG time up I truly thought about myself first and did what I wanted how I wanted. I understood years ago that was not who I am and that others come first – especially my family. So my realization that my “worry” and “concern” for my family was driving me somewhat insane! It’s all I thought about – really. “Am I doing this or that right?” “What do you need?” “I’ll do this, I’ll do that”. Eventually I hit the wall. I had being “DOING” for everyone else. At the same time I remember always hoping that someone else would “DO” too. And this, in NO WAY, means that anyone around wasn’t doing anything. It means that I would just shoulder responsibilities and take on more and more things that seemed mundane and that I didn’t want someone else to have to take on. It’s weird, but that’s the way I can explain it at the moment.

This new realization forced me to calculate my worth to others – something that is hard for me to do. And it forced me to calculate my own worth… to myself. And I figured out I am pretty cheap these days. I don’t need a lot. I definitely don’t ask for a lot. I learned to not ask for help anymore… you may get stung later for it. When favors turn into lines on a ledger… you stop looking or asking for help. Anyway, it’s been a welcome realization honestly. I understood that my time matters and my work needs to matter. What I do and who I do it for has to mean something and I finally realized that I’ve been faking myself out for a long time. Thinking that my work as a retail store leader mattered – nope. If I did, then I wouldn’t have been asked to work like I had been working for so long. I wouldn’t have made decisions for those companies or businesses that super-ceded my own needs and those of my family. Quick example: as a retail business leader a big aspect is scheduling and you are asked and I have also taught this – to “schedule to the needs of the business”. And I realized that made no sense to me and reinforced my mindset – I can’t support my family when I am being asked and directed to put the business first! My realization was now being solidified and I was beginning to build a plan that should have been worked on many years ago. If my family comes first… then they need to see that and be a part of that… and I need to prove it. It’s one thing to “want” to do it but to actually take the necessary steps to make it happen, well, that can be a new challenge. But I did it. We did it. I stepped away from the over-worked way of life and found a new role much closer to home. Money matters and paying bills matters and there are challenges every day with that but that first change was a tremendous relief.

After THAT realization happened and kick started several changes I also took time to build on my own WHY. I know more about where I want to go professionally/career/business ownership and making these changes really helped me get to that mindset. When some more of these pieces fell into place I stopped for a bit. Coming to the end of ’21 I was feeling a bit overwhelmed again. A bit foggy in direction and even sad. I’m still missing something. I’m stressed inside. Then it hit again a few days ago. I made changes and thought through things for me in hopes that I can have better clarity and peace so to then help my family even more and be more present for them. Well, I haven’t taken that time I’ve recently acquired… to actually be present with them. It hit around Christmas. It was quiet this year, we were all tired from school, work and life. We didn’t do much. I was OK with it at the time but that quiet time, again, allowed me to think more about the missing elements. I spent a lifetime wishing that I could do so many things with my kids. That I could teach them to hunt, fish, play a sport or sport, or build something or whatever. And, a new realization came about… I’ve never done most of that. I haven’t pulled my daughters out of their rooms and said “We’re going for a hike – lets go” or “Hey, lets get some fishing rods and go down to the lake” or “Hey, lets go play tennis today”. I haven’t taught them to check their oil in their car, to change a tire or cut the grass. It just hasn’t happened…

Here is where I am at with this all… I realized I missed a lot of chances for a lot years to do a lot of things with my family and those that matter the most to me. The recent changes that we have made were made to better the lives of those around me and myself. I want my kids to have passion and desire and willingness to be more than they think they can be… to be more than I have ever been. Most of all I want them to want that and take the steps to do all of those things well before they realize what they’ve missed. I don’t think I’ll ever teach Shane to shoot a rifle… but I’ve already shown my daughters. I can do more. I want to do more. So this whole thing about “Resolutions” at the beginning of the year can be great if you know what it is you want focus on… and actually stick with it. Resolutions can help certain people make commitments and find success in different places. But realizing resolutions can actually come and go, that may be a drawback. This is why I am choosing to BE “Resolute” – I want to be unwavering in my commitments, I will be purposeful even more than I have been and I will continue to be determined to make this WHO I AM and WHAT I AM and if that mindset now allows me to focus on every aspect I can to make the most of the opportunities we make… that is what I am choosing. I will be RESOLUTE. How are you going to go forward?

If the titles of these posts get any longer I won’t even need to finish the blog post as it’ll all be right there!

I’m back, good to be here but with so much on my mind to share and write about. SO many things have happened and are happening to write about. But I wanted to write something here that I don’t think I’m as comfortable writing directly on my social media accounts. Call it fear of reprisal or something like that. But I really am not looking to write something to then be twisted and contorted to meet someone else’s view point. What I want to say has been building up for a while. If you know me you know that I have come to select more words necessary to get a point across. Some people find it boring redundant and long-winded. Some find it informing and though-provoking. I’ve come to find it being BOTH! What I’m about to discuss does not in any way express the views and understanding of others nor does it represent any political affiliation or direction. Much of what I am about to write WILL seem that way but that is due to the content and not anything else.

Of the many different topics affecting our lives these days (mine, yours and everyone around us) are both the virus and the political divide. Yes, the hot topic of the last year and a half has been mostly about a virus that is kicking ass around the world in one form or another. I will not get into many specifics of what has led us to this point – I am not a Doctor, Virologist, Epidemiologist, Scientist or any other entity that should have more knowledge of this subject and be able to accurately and effectively speak to the TRUTH of viruses, diseases and such. We are at a point that vaccines have arrived and have been implemented. Vaccines that were created and ready to go in LESS THAN A YEAR that were said to end the pandemic and get us all back to normal. And, as much as there is truth to this… there is also a great deal of concern. And for every positive aspect of a vaccine – there are challenges and concerns. The BIGGEST concern is how vaccines are being FORCED onto (well, into actually) people all over the world. How can anyone see that this is OK? It has been acknowledged that any vaccine is not 100% effective and it never will be. Does it help – yes. And it can help a lot of people. But FORCING people to take it is wrong. Speaking for myself here – I find it absolutely appalling that anyone in this world – especially our wonderful United States of America – can believe that this is what will “end the pandemic”. For every word of research showing how “effective and safe” vaccines are, there is just as much research to counter it. The safety and efficacy has been challenged even more in recent months with the robust number of “breakthrough” infections as well as the many side effects that have also hurt people. But not many people want to believe it and it’s being called “mis-information” or “false claims”. When, in fact, there is just as much TRUTH to the challenges about the safety of any vaccine along with its efficacy but no one seems to believe it. And this is because social and mainstream medias DO NOT want you to know and will continue to push the envelope here. Why is that? DO NOT tell me all of this is for the greater good of everyone! DO NOT try to comment that vaccines are proven safe and have met all the safety standards needed! Because NO… none of it is 100% true for everyone. And we have been all completely manipulated into thinking this way. We have ALL been force-fed crap and one-sided information for so long that it’s become second nature to not believe anything that may present other facts. And YES, there are many other truths and facts out there that are not being represented.

We are seeing “mandates” being implemented from our government level all the way down to our schools and local and small business sectors. Why? Again, FORCING people to take something is not working. The proof is there as we are seeing tens of thousands of workers leave their jobs in order to take a stand against this. The actual “mandates” that were mentioned by the President aren’t even in effect and they don’t seem to be able to get the momentum to have this written (via OSHA) in the near future. How can these businesses and government bodies truly believe this is helping. The “science” here is going to show you both sides of this debate which is all the more reason that vaccinations need to be a CHOICE for each person and their loved ones closest to them. It is NOT for any organization to decide who can or cannot get a jab. All three vaccines are still under EUA (Emergency Use Authorization). NONE of them have truly been officially approved to come off that classification as many believe has happened. The Pfizer vaccine was stated to be “approved” by the FDA for full use in July/August of this year. Well, that was actually a different vaccine from a Division of Pfizer called Comirnaty and that vaccine is NOT available or produced for use in the U.S. (see FDA link here https://www.fda.gov/vaccines-blood-biologics/comirnaty). There is more than enough data and science and ethical responses to counter the extreme push to force people to get vaccinated and now even get booster jabs. But those that deliver the messages you read and see the most DO NOT want you to know that. They want compliance. How about accountability on their part? How about mis-leading the citizens of this country and those around the world about safety and efficacy while ignoring even safer treatments for this virus. Now, speaking of treatments – lets jump real quick into this realm, shall we? OK, there is a medicine out there that is proven to be effective at destroying this virus in a little as 1-2 days of use. It also happens to be used for animals – which happens with several medications these days. Ivermectin has been chastised by the main stream media and vaccine proponents… yet it works! Why is that? Why won’t your mainstream doctors and media outlets release what has already been documented all over the world – that Ivermectin works! It does. Why is that? But wait, there’s more. Not only do they NOT want anyone to take that drug and brand it bad and not proven and not recommended… but there is now a “new” drug which is also an anti-viral drug that has been submitted to the FDA for emergency use? Hmmm… really? Ivermectin, an anti viral drug, is not approved and not “allowed” to be discussed but here we are seeing a “new” drug submitted by Merck that, in essence, does the same thing – it can destroy Covid 19 and the ability it has to replicate. Some would say that is a “game changer” right? Others, like myself and millions of other free-thinkers, see the same thing in Ivermectin which is already approved by the FDA, is VERY safe and has been proven for years and years.

You’ve now been inundated with a perspective that may not be yours. You may be absolutely pissed off that I would write such a post and publish it. But that’s just it… we can all have a perspective and not all will ever be the same. I’m not trying to get others on board with the same thinking. You can still believe what you want. I just hope that people will realize that FORCING jabs into someone of a product that is NOT PROVEN… can (and has been) deadly. It must be a choice. Period. Think it through. At least have an open mind to review other data, opinions and facts about all of this. Sure, there is more to all of this that we don’t need to get into here and that is a conversation for another time. Just know that our country is being ripped a part because of forcing people to take a jab and IT IS WRONG. You should have the ability to decide for yourself if a vaccine is right for you and that is up to you. Get it if you want to or need to. But don’t ever feel that you “have” to for any other outside reason like coercion, pressure, fear and manipulation.

Next up in the blog series in one of the most challenging topics to write about yet one of the most important from a personal perspective. This post isn’t for everyone. Some will read it and come back to me, yet again, with comments and feedback of; “Pandering for sympathy?” or “Pity Party much?” or some other form of brush off. Regardless, this is a HUGE topic for our family, for Shane and for every other family of a person on the Autism Spectrum.

When a person is diagnosed with Autism at any age there are so many questions… with few answers right away. It takes some time for things to play out before some answers come. An Autism diagnosis at a very young age can be disheartening for individuals and families at first but there also comes some reassurance as the resources to help are more prevalent and available at a young age. This trend typically continues through adolescence. I’ll agree that this is not the case everywhere in the US or around the world. In fact, having such varying degrees of Autism support and services from State to State in the US is tremendously disappointing. We are lucky to have been in two states so far that have offered tremendous services for the Autism Community – Delaware and Minnesota. In each of these states we have seen, and been a part of, the communities and witnessed first hand some of the amazing efforts that go into treating and supporting those with Autism and their families. Again, we have been lucky.

However, as most individuals and families in the Autism Community know, there is a “softening” of services and supports as the Autistic person ages through adolescence into adulthood. And, depending on services and supports needed for each person – those same opportunities could become less and less available. An example is how a “higher functioning” person on the Spectrum may be able to communicate effectively, take direction and even handle self care initiatives. Then that person can be supported in the community into adulthood and beyond with services in work programs, certain group homes or assisted living opportunities and, in some cases they can fully be on their own. There are some fantastic results from early intervention and therapies that lead to successes like these. But there are also results that set individuals and families farther back. There are those that are not on track for the same success stories. These individuals and families are dealing with more pronounced challenges with behavior, life skills, communication, self help and much more. These individuals, for the lack of a better term at the moment are characterized as potentially “lower functioning” and require much more of a hands-on support system whenever possible and usually it comes from the immediate family. When these individuals reach adulthood (18+) the support resources drastically shrink in availability. And, if they are lucky to be in programs where they can participate through the age of 21, that is wonderful. But then what happens? Where do they go? What do they do after that? Short answer – there is no set place or program that is offered. Long answer – there NEEDS to be programs and supports for this more specific group of Autistic individuals.

My point here is that there has been a tremendous effort in formulating plans and programs and resources for those persons with the abilities, behaviors and attributes that encourage self help and sustainability. Here is where we see certain individuals taking on part time jobs, further their education, attending day programs, living in groups homes or even on their own. There is typically a support systems put in place for them through social workers, advocates and guardians who can help guide them as needed. Where there is an obvious lack of effort has been in providing support and programming on the same level – but for those that are more challenged. For those that cannot communicate, or have behavioral challenges, or require more hands on help with life skills like feeding, bathing, dressing, grooming and more. These are the ones that cannot be placed into a group home because of the behaviors and possible aggressions. They can’t attend day programs because they still need primary care and assistance with basic functions. Where do they go and what do they do? Families that are not able to find the next path are finding themselves in desperate situations. Some parents are aging to the point that they cannot handle the individual or the specific needs that are required. Some cannot afford the additional personnel needed to help the individual be more successful. What I hear about and read about these families is they’re stuck. And we know exactly where they are coming from and what they are saying. We can feel the emotional stress in their stories. We can picture the exact same scenarios they talk about because we go through them every day as well. It does not “get easier” for these families and, in fact, for most of the families like ours it gets much harder.

To bring more light into a potential blog of darkness here, I’d like talk of potential hope and a vision of what COULD be. Brooke and I have talked for years about these situations. And we have talked and talked and talked for years about what we envision as a way to help families (ours included) through these times. We are at this point with Shane right now and we, like others I’ve talked about above, are unsure of what to do next for Shane. Our “Powerball Dream”, if you will, is seeing a community/neighborhood built that would be for those primarily on the Autism Spectrum. OK, I know, your first thought is probably: “You want to put all Autistic people in one place? That’s not really fair!” and, NO, that is not it. We can envision a community that is built to support those with the specific characteristics that prevent them from living and thriving on their own. This is a way to allow some sort of independence and allow them to be in an environment that is for them. But it would take stress off the family – parents, guardians, siblings, etc. Picture a college campus with dorms and classrooms buildings and recreation areas and people coming and going. But all these people are being supported and cared for one-on-one (as much as possible) in every aspect of their day and their lives. It is their home, their school, and their community to be in. Other people would live, work and be a part of this community but it is built with the goal of supporting the Autism community and the ever changing diverse needs they all have. We are not at all professionals trained in Autism research and medical directives but we are trained parents who have seen and lived the realities of the challenges faced. And there are ways to improve lives and help others thrive! It’s already built and it is already successful… in our minds. We now have to make it a reality.

I don’t really feel it is fair that I am writing a blog post… almost TWO YEARS since my last one.  Yes, that is correct.  I last put up a blog post in January of 2019 not long after we made the infamous return to the tundra after our brief stint in Florida.  Not that I am going to get into the details of the last 2 years (especially this last year alone) because many already know the ups and downs that have happened.  I’m sure I’ll touch on some of those points as I write along here.  With so much happening in our own family world and around us I’ve forced myself to “think” even more than ever and many of my thoughts I’ve captured in notes on my phone or in memories or in conversations that keep happening.  I realized recently that many of these thoughts and contemplations are consistent and they return to occupy my gray matter consistently enough… so I knew I had to do something with them.  Without further ado… I give you the latest “I’ve Been Thinking…” blog post!

If you are honest with yourself and those closest to you, there will come a point in your life or career when you take a pause (for however long it takes) to reflect on certain moments, circumstances, situations and even hopeful outcomes.  This has happened to me often at various times in my personal life and in my professional career.  I have also connected with others that have been through similar periods in their lives as well.  What I have found interesting is that I am aware of more and more “Rally Points” in my life.

You see, the course of your life will take turns that will completely alter your perception of what you are doing and why you are here.  These are moments that there is no big explanation of, that’s for sure.  Many people spend a lot of time trying to figure them out and while they think about and dwell on what happened before (in the past) they miss what is happening right now and may miss opportunities to impact their future and the future of others as well.  As we get older most of us tend to think more and maybe react less.  This allows us to get the full picture and become more knowledgable in different areas.  I’m a critical thinker (to a fault) and I can be overly cynical as well.  This keeps me on my toes, I feel, and it keeps me “thinking” a lot.  Then there comes a time, or even times, that we change our direction and our thoughts and our perspectives.  Maybe not outwardly at first but maybe just enough that we find a “Rally Point”.  A point in our lives, in our day/week/month/year of living that we get a boost, we uncover something within us.  Or better yet, someone else has helped us find that “Rally Point”.

TWENTY TWENTY.  Yes, I am referring to the year we are all anxiously waiting to end.  2020.  The year everyone had bigger expectations for.  We’ve seen a lot this year.  Despite all the troubles this year brought for so many people around the world – it brought joy.  It brought happiness.  It brought… a “Rally Point”.  We have ALL been forced to find a Rally Point (or several this year).  You and I know there is only so much negativity you can read about, or watch, or even converse about.  There has to be more.  And there IS… so many of us have found it several times.  One example is here in our house:  Many know it’s not easy with Shane and the behaviors he exhibits daily force us to walk on egg shells.  When schools closed in March of this year, Shane’s world crashed down around him.  Immediately he lost any routine he was into.  Stores were limited in capacity and we were all initially fearful to go anywhere.  We stayed home.  Everyone did.  Shane suffered.  There was no way around it.  Long story short – a Rally Point finally arrived when Shane was given the opportunity to return to school almost 6 months later for two days per week.  It was a start and we saw a “Rally Point” for Shane.  After more bumps in schools days and stalls due to more shut downs and more closures Shane was again given the chance to return to school 1 day per week.  It hasn’t been normal and his time in school is not enough but it was SOMETHING.  And this something… was a “Rally Point”.  Another example close to home here is from this summer when Ryan moved out of the house began living on her own.  We knew it was coming, we helped her prepare as best we could.  We helped her pack her stuff and helped her move it.  And she was ready.  It was time for her to be on her own and start living her best life outside of the chaotic walls of our home.  This was a great “Rally Point” for Ryan as she was able to adjust to her new life and focus on different things.  We are proud of her as she continues to rally!

You may or may not get the point of this writing and it is very out-of-the-blue.  But believe me… there are “Rally Points” for everyone.  They can be small – like getting a cup of coffee in the morning after a sleepless night – BOOM, “Rally Point”.  It can be a phone call or text from a friend or family member that puts that smile back on your face – BOOM, “Rally Point”.  Rally points can be bigger – like when you are in a random conversation with your wife and in that conversation you decide you are going to start a new cookie business – BOOM, “Rally Point”.  So, for my first blog post in nearly 2 years, I’d like to consider this moment another “Rally Point” for me.  Like I said before – I have a lot of “thinking” to get into words here.  I believe some of these thoughts and words might be helpful to some but more importantly… a time waster when you are on the toilet!  See… “Rally Point”!

For many years now I have kept this writing with me.  I’ve shared with few and re-read it often.  I’ve cried often while reading it and it’s not meant for that.  This has always been a way for me to express the circumstances around a period in our lives that forever changed the way we think and act.  And more importantly it continues to make me challenge the very reasons we get to be here every day.   I’ve added to story here and there and corrected what I thought I could or should but mostly I have kept this the raw, in the moment writings of a very difficult time for our family.  I’m proud to have this ready to be out there for others to read.  For those that were a part of any and all of this story – this if for you… all of you that helped this story be told.  Thank you and I love you all!

*********

From this one spot in this room, I have a great view in several directions.  Directly in front of me is the most amazing woman in the world – my wife, Brooke.  Just to my left out the window is a view to the west and off in the horizon are the Carlson Towers in Minnetonka.  Everyone in the area knows these towers as they are a great landmark on the west side of the Twin Cities.  Then to my right is another view that I won’t soon forget about.  It’s the nurse’s station for the 6^th Floor Neuro Intensive Care Unit at North Memorial Hospital.  We are here for reasons that just cannot be fathomed at this moment.  Two days ago, I think it was Sunday, a lot changed in the world.

Sunday really started no different than any other day in our house.  Two of our kids were already up by 7am.  I finally got up a little before 8.  Sundays are usually a day we can sleep in, but I still had to work later that morning.  At about 8:15 I heard Brooke get up.  I was upstairs just putzing around.  Brooke used the bathroom (I remember the flush) and then a few moments or so later I heard a crash downstairs.  Startled, I went right down and I found Brooke on the floor outside the bathroom struggling to get up.  If there was anytime in my life that I should have had a heart attack, that would have been the time.  I rushed to her to help her sit up.  I kept asking her “What happened?”, “Are you OK?”… but she didn’t answer…  She couldn’t answer.

Brooke continued to struggle to move and sit up.  She kept falling to the side.  I finally got her steady and sitting upright against the wall.  She couldn’t talk.  She was incoherent in response but still looked at me as if she was trying to tell me something – with her eyes, like she was on a massive dose of a high-powered narcotic.  I yelled for Delaney to bring me my phone from upstairs.  In my mind I knew what was going on, but I decided to make a call to our go-to person – Brooke’s sister, Anne.  She answered the phone and I remember saying “Brooke fell and I think she’s having a stroke.  She can’t talk and can’t move”.  So that scared the shit out of Anne pretty quick too!  I ended the call with Anne and immediately called 911.  By now only a couple minutes had passed.  Delaney went to wake up Ryan, our oldest daughter.  Shane, our son, was still hanging out watching his videos in the playroom.  When Ryan was up, I asked the girls to call the neighbors to let them know what’s going on and that I had called for an ambulance for Mom.  Within a minute, our neighbor Tammy was by Brooke’s side helping to keep her propped up and keep her conscious.  I had to get some clothes on.  A Medina Police Officer arrived within 4 minutes of the call and Long Lake Frist Responders and volunteers were moments after him.  They started to check her vitals.  However, as soon as the ambulance and paramedics arrived, it was decided to just “scoop and go”.  Within minutes she was loaded and stabilized in the ambulance and gone.  I wasn’t far behind though.  I remember the Medina Police Officer at the house telling me not to try to keep up with the ambulance and I said to myself, “Whatever”.  Our neighbors, who are also some of our closest friends, had a grasp of the situation and were immediately ready for any task needed as soon as I drove away. And attempted to keep up… I lost the ambulance within just a few miles.  For one, my little commuter car does not have the power to keep up with it and two, I couldn’t get through the lights like they could.  But I went along as fast as I could go to get to the hospital.  I made one call to my boss to tell her I wouldn’t be at work that day and that the rest of the team would be OK.  I pulled up to the ER drive and the “VOLUNTEER VALET ATTENDANT” met me at the door and told me I had to park in the parking ramp on the OTHER END OF THE HOSPITAL!  I said “My wife was just brought here in THAT ambulance over there” (pointing to the same ambulance that brought Brooke in only minutes ago).  His old crotchety reply was “well, you’ll have to park in the ramp”.  “So what is the valet for?” I asked as I hopped in the car and screeched away.

I finally made it back to freakin’ ER where security had to get me a “tag” to go in.  I was met by a volunteer Chaplain named “Vance”.  He’s a man with a calm demeanor and he was very attentive to the situation already.  He was right there when Brooke was brought in.  He took me back to the area where she was in the ER and all I remember is thinking – “damn, this is right where she was about 3 years ago when we came in for her pneumonia”.  Then I was let in to see her.  She was on the cart, ready to go for her first CT scan.  On oxygen, on monitors and covered up, she saw me and cried.  Unable to say anything.  Within moments, she was whisked away for her CT.  I kissed her and promised her we were going to get her checked out and fixed up in no time.  The ER Doc, Dr. Vogt, had me walk with them to the room for the scan and she filled me in on the plan at that moment.  She knew what it was, but the scan was needed to find it.

Vance stayed with me in a little corner area down the hall from where the scan was done.  He said a short prayer and we talked briefly.  I let him know to be on the lookout for my brother in-law, John, who would be speeding in from the airport any moment.  You see, John was on a plane headed out of town for business when he got the call from Anne as to what had happened.  And like always, without hesitation back then, John was on his way to assess the situation and be the rock that he was assumed to be.  Then within just a few minutes (and for once, it did feel pretty fast), Dr. Vogt returned to confirm she was having a stroke on the left side of her brain.  She had already called a team together to get them ready for the next steps.  She left again and returned with Dr. Peterson, a Neurologist in the ER that day.  They explained that where the clot was and what the plan was to remove it.  Less than an hour had passed since she fell at home so we were well within the time needed to administer the appropriate measures to take care of the stroke.  First, tPA was going to be administered which would “bust the clot” in her brain.  This is done by thinning the blood and working to break up the clot.  Thus a reason they call it a “Clot Busting Medicine”.  In addition, due to the SIZE of the clot, they want to go in and suck the clot out as they aren’t sure the tPA would break it up enough or fast enough.  Dr. Peterson and Dr. Vogt left me as they called the rest of the Intervention Neurology team together to discuss the situation quickly.

Vance had walked with me back to the ER waiting area where we met John just as he was coming in.  I filled him in as best I could, Vance took over when needed and we were brought back to another quiet corner to wait a little longer.  Quickly enough, Dr. Peterson and Dr. Niesen, an Intervention Neuro Surgeon, came out to review the next steps again and sign THAT FORM which no one wants to see – and let alone it’s one that no one usually takes the time to read at a time like this.  It was explained that the clot was rather large and needed to be addressed immediately.  Dr. Niesen’s team just happened to have already been assembled for another procedure scheduled that morning.  So we excused ourselves and cut ahead of them to get Brooke taken care of.  They both explained the procedure – what it entailed and what the pros and cons were.  There weren’t many questions asked because it just HAD to be done and done NOW.

John and I waited again but for only a few minutes.  Vance led us both back to see Brooke where she was prepped for the procedure.  Tears were shed by all and the team gave us time to be together.  This surreal feeling began to settle in.  Confusing thoughts came and went.  And then she was off again for what we felt was her best chance to take care of the stroke.  Vance took us to yet another waiting area, which, on a Sunday, is empty at 9:40am.  John hopped on the phone and started charting plans for Shirley and Babo, Brooke’s parents, to get here from Florida.  This was a good distraction because the airlines were just a pain in the ass that morning.  I made a couple of calls, John made a few more and then Anne arrived.  Three heads are now better than two and much better than just one.  We waited a while longer and then Dr. Niessen arrived with arms raised and two thumbs up!  They got to the clot and removed it.  Blood flow was restored, and Brooke was awake!  Commence the waterworks for us all.

Dr. Niessen led us to see Brooke and she was right, Brooke was awake and alert.  A round of applause for everyone – especially Brooke.  Hugs and kisses went around – especially for Brooke.  I had a brief moment with her when she was able to tell me that she remembered everything up to that point.  And she reminded me she spilled her soda on the floor and that it needed to be cleaned up.  I re-assured her it would be taken care of.  Dr. Niessen showed us the CT scans of before and after the procedure and we all saw the lack of blood flow in left side of Brooke’s brain before and regular blood flow after!  This was so encouraging.  Brooke was soon unhooked from various machines and we returned the the ER recovery area we had left about an hour before.  Plans were made to get her ready to go up to the ICU.  Anne, John and I were able to spend time with her as the docs and nurses visited with her and kept testing her abilities.  About 20 minutes after coming back from the procedure, Brooke started to complain of a headache – which for all of us seemed “normal” under the circumstances.  But that was the first indication of what would start the most unbearable part of this experience.

Docs and nurses continued to poke, prod and check on Brooke.  But she continued to become more quiet and moaned that her head hurt.  Dr. Vogt called for another CT scan before they moved her up to the ICU.  She wanted to rule out additional bleeding or another issue before moving up.  It’s best to go to ICU and focus on recovery.  Of course, we were all thinking this was a formality.  Anne and John were given the room number for the ICU and were heading up.  I went with the team to follow after the CT.  I sat down, once again, at the small area where Vance and I had settled at earlier.  My heart fluttered a lot, thoughts came and went and I remember the nurse at the desk across from me ask “they got the clot, right?”.  I replied “yes, but now they want to check her again before going up to ICU”.  And I swear it wasn’t a minute later that Dr. Vogt returned, sat down next to me immediately, held my hand and told me Brooke was bleeding in her brain.

Commence the chaotic end to my world as I knew it at that moment.  Dr. Vogt began explaining the situation and how we got to this point.  The tPA went in to bust up the clot, the docs went in and pulled the clot out.  Once the clot was out the blood rushed to the area it needed to go to and continued to bleed through.  It happened fast mostly due to the fact that Brooke’s brain needed blood in that area and the tPA thins the blood so much.  “We can’t stop the bleeding” Dr. Vogt said.  There wasn’t a solution at that moment.  “Wait, what are you telling me?” I asked her.  “I’m sorry…” is all she could get out.  I shook – my head, my hands and my heart – all shook.. I grabbed my phone immediately and turned away from Dr. Vogt, but never left her, I called Anne who was up in ICU waiting and told them to get back down right away.  I dropped the phone on the table and cried.  I cried a lot.  That was it.  To me, Dr. Vogt was pretty much telling me Brooke may not have long.  Anne and John arrived moments later.  I rushed to them both “It’s not good.  She’s bleeding in her brain” I cried.  We sat back down next to Dr. Vogt and she explained things to Anne and John.  We all cried.

I remember looking up at one point and at that moment seeing two good friends of ours, Brian and Mary, come in the automatic doors.  They just happened to come in as Anne and John were coming down from the ICU.  I looked at them both, shook my head and cried more.  Eventually the crying subsided for just a brief moment.  We had to act, decisions had to be made and quickly and phone calls made.  It was decided to get the kids to the hospital to see Brooke if possible, or at least be closer.  I later found out Brian made the call to our neighbors, Gary and Tammy, who gathered them up and tore down the road for the hospital.  But remind me to re-visit a funny story about this part of the morning!

Dr. Vogt wiped her own tears as we did ours, and left us to confer with the other docs on what to do.  Anne, John, Mary, Brian and I were led to Room #3 in the ER, I think they also call it “Cart 3”.  I went in to see her, she was quiet, peaceful but hooked up to some serious technology.  Dr. Vogt returned as did Dr. Peterson, the Neurologist.  He had a perplexed look on his face and kept shaking his head.  “This is one of those times when you have no idea what to say, no idea what happened.  Given her age, her health, we went with the best possible options to help her get through this successfully and give her the best chances.  And I believe we would all choose to do the same thing every time”.  At the time, I had no idea what to think of this guy and frankly, I was a little pissed as I thought he was feeling sorry for himself not fixing Brooke.  There was talk about the next steps only, honestly, I don’t remember the conversations as much as just looking at Brooke.  The plan was to start a medicine in her that is supposed to draw blood out of the brain – it’s just called “3%” and it’s a solution (so to speak) made of 3% sodium chloride… because the blood will follow the “salt” away from the brain and hopefully stop it.  There wasn’t an option to do surgery at the moment.  Her body was now set up for a major fight… Brooke’s body had to stop the bleeding in her brain and not let the brain swell up.  If both of those continued, the odds of survival would be even less.

We had various other conversations with other nurses and docs while Brooke was getting ready for the medicine.  The best location to get the medicine into Brooke was through her neck.  After a few more minutes as I was sitting with Brooke, Dr. Vogt began to get ready to start the IV in her neck.  It was a much more dramatic procedure than just plucking a needle in your arm and get an IV in place – this had much more involvement.  And just then, I heard new voices outside the room and a little whine from our son, Shane, who appeared to not want to be there either.  So just as Dr. Vogt was prepping Brooke, and myself, for the IV placement, I jumped up and ran out to see the kids.  Everyone had arrived at that point it seemed.  Our neighbors – Gary and Tammy brought our three kids Ryan, Shane and Delaney.  Another neighbor, Ann, came as well.  It was a tough time right then.  Shane really wanted nothing to do with being there – of course, that is more to do with the fact that he is Autistic and unsure of the situation.  But having to calm my girls down with the help of everyone was still tough.  I sat with them in a tiny waiting room around the corner from where Brooke was in the ER.  *****

Another concern began building with Brooke’s breathing.  It had become harder for her to breathe deeply enough – probably due to her body working so hard on fixing the brain bleed.  Dr. Vogt, again wanting to give Brooke even more of a chance to survive and live, decided a breathing tube was needed to go in.  By doing this, the breathing machine would do the breathing for her while her body did not have to work so hard to breath and take care of the brain and bleeding.  So now, after about 15 minutes, Brooke had a new hole in her neck with medicine ready to go in it and she had a tube down her throat pumping air into and ensure a clean pathway in both directions.  I saw her shortly after the tube went in and it was overwhelming.  To imagine her going through all this was tough to handle.  She was stable for the moment and time was slowing down to a near complete stop.  A nurse who had been with Brooke all along and just another name and face I will never forget, was Judy, and I finally turned to her and asked straight up – “Is she even going to make it upstairs?”.  I think now why I even asked it, but with the look of concern on everyone else’s faces, the urgency that everything was done with, I couldn’t help but ask.  I needed to know and Judy was a rock for everyone the whole time.  But I just needed to know, I’m sure we all needed to know.  Judy turned, looked right at me and with tears in her eyes as well, said “Yes, she will get upstairs and they will take good care of her”.  It was now a waiting game – a game that only Brooke could win because she held all the winning pieces at this point.  Brooke was now stable to move upstairs to the ICU.  It would be at least 20 minutes to get her moved and set up in her new room that would house yet even more technology and highly skilled professionals.  She was still with us…

While the last preparations were made to get Brooke moved up.  Dr. Vogt came out to talk with all of us about Brooke’s status and the plan ahead.  This conversation actually happened in the hallway outside the small waiting room where the girls were trying to stay calm.  And by now, Shane got some Ritz crackers and was listening to Irish music on my phone and he was doing OK.  Dr. Vogt recapped everything and set up the next steps and she did it very thoroughly and kept the medical terms as simple as possible for us simple folk.  Soon after, it was decided to have the kids go back home with Tammy, Gary and Ann.  All three were OK with doing that as it got them away from the uncertain of the hospital.  We all hugged and kissed and everyone was gone.  Brian and Mary stayed with me as did Anne and John.  Once Brooke got on the move upstairs, Dr. Vogt came back yet again to let us know she was on her way up.  It seemed that now, we could ask questions and get a better “lay of the land” so to speak with the situation.  Dr. Vogt was very accommodating.  After all, she was riding the roller coaster with us too.

I’m not sure how many people have been in an ICU before.  Some have been more than they would like and other maybe not at all.  But this was the first time I’ve been in an ICU.  For the most part, it doesn’t look much different than other floors of a hospital.  But when entering, you just feel a different level of focus, of professionalism or whatever it may be.  Brooke was in Room 669 in the far left corner from the entrance.  We arrived about 20 minutes after her so she was fairly settled in but the nurses were still setting the groundwork for their tasks.  New vitals were recorded, new IV’s started for meds, the breathing machine was pumping away, and Brooke was “sleeping”.  Of course she was sleeping, all the noise in there actually became pretty hypnotic in a way.  Grace was Brooke’s first nurse that afternoon and night.  She, like so many others we would meet, really knew her shit.  We all exchanged pleasantries, she set some ground rules about the ICU – small short visits, quiet, visiting shut down, etc.  And now, we wait.  It will be a while – from what the Dr.’s say – until any measurable results come.  But it’s up to Brooke to decide how things will turn out.  The wait continues.

By the evening, Brooke’s parents arrived from the airport after a chaotic and hectic travel plan from Florida.  They spent time visiting with Brooke in her room and we went over the latest updates.  Brooke was quiet, her machines pumping away.  Tears were shed and jokes were heard as well.  It’s always been important for all of us to keep a sense of humor in even the hardest of times.  Anne and John had been with us all day.  Some more friends came from the ‘hood to bring food, see Brooke, pray and just be together – this was important for all of us I think.  Ryan, our oldest daughter, had come back as well to see her Mom.  This was good for her to see her and be with her, but hard to see her in the shape she was in with the breathing machine and all the other tubes and IV’s sprawled across Brooke’s bed.  It wasn’t long before Brooke’s brother, Sam, arrived.  And it was a great sight to see as he walked through the door.  For various reasons, he and Brooke had not been that close over the years prior but I knew there was a ton of love inside that guy for him to fly out from Connecticut right away upon hearing his sister was not doing well.  But this was one of HIS sisters and he hopped on a plane early from CT to get here to be with everyone.

I did not go in the room with Sam to see Brooke – Babo, their Dad, went in with Sam to see her.  But Brooke woke up… looked up and saw him… and cried!  Her brother had come to see her!  This was a little more difficult than expected for everyone.  Emotions ran high, tears were shed (of course) and Brooke’s vitals were jumping up.  So Grace, Brooke’s nurse, asked them to leave so she could calm down and relax.  Everyone hoped this was a good sign of things to come.  The rest of the night was more waiting and, honestly, nothing changed.  I spent some time with Grace going through Brooke’s admit information to get her in the system.  There was no time to do this earlier in the day.  Once that was complete, we all made our way to out of the hospital for the night.  One by one, we all said goodnight to Brooke and we left.  Tomorrow was a day of more fighting for her!

Ryan and I went home last and we settled in with Babo, Shirley, Sam, John and Anne for a little while.  Soon after they left, Ryan and I plunked down in the living room and tried to fall asleep where we were.  I told Ryan that I was going to leave very early to get in to see Mom as soon as I could and see the Docs and nurses after their rounds.  Neither one of us slept well, if at all.  Maybe we dozed a bit but that was enough I guess.  By daylight, I was up and ready to leave.  I distinctly remember having a one-on-one conversation with God on the way to the hospital that morning.  I remember getting angry at him for putting Brooke in this situation and I told him that he was selfish for trying to take her away from us when she has so much more to offer the world here – now.  I told him to not take her from us and I pleaded with him that it would be selfish on his part to take her away from us here on Earth.  Brooke was here to do more and she was going to be here to do more for any and everyone… she just needed to be here… all of this conversations happened while driving back to the hospital.  I’m sure it’s hard to imagine me having this type of conversation with God, and especially me taking that type of tone.  But I was scared and mad and full of every other emotion at that time and I vented to him and I pleaded with him at that time.

After arriving back at the hospital and parking I rushed in to the ICU where Brooke was.  Visiting hours were about to open when I arrived.  Dr. Peterson just happened to be at the front desk when I arrived and he saw me and came to the window… “Her scans look better this morning.  The bleeding seems to have stopped and receded a bit and there is little swelling right now.  She’s not out of the woods but she is doing better!”.  My shoulders sunk, my knees weakened, and I teared up.  Dr. Peterson said, “She’s definitely fighting.  You can see her soon”.  I was elated.  The night had gone OK for Brooke and the “3%” was working as hoped and her team was caring for her as she kept fighting.

It was several more weeks that Brooke spent at North Memorial recovering from a such debilitating a stroke.  The severity of what she went through should have left her with a substantial deficiency in many areas – brain function, gross motor skills, cognitive function, speech, etc.  It was all clear that she would struggle for some time ahead.  But that wasn’t Brooke.  She wasn’t about to let this phase her and deter her from being a part of her family again.  She was put here for a reason – and that reason had to be uncovered.  Brooke fought through therapy sessions – walking, talking, eating and even breathing had to be tended to again.  It took nearly 7 weeks in all at North Memorial.  It took Brooke telling me, and everyone else, that she needed time alone to fight through her days of therapy and recovery to make it.  It was tough, every single day.  Every single step was a challenge.  We were all there for her each day and each moment whether physically or in spirit.  We celebrated her successes – 1 step, 3 steps – eating with a fork – folding laundry – hopping over sticks – walking to the balloons – etc.  All of it.  This is what Brooke needed to do to be healthy, to be successful and be ready to come home again.  Not “long after”, we met with all of Brooke’s team to assess her potential departure from North Memorial.  It was time for her to go home.  She had to recover more but it had to be at home and with her family.  We needed her as much as she needed us at this point.  She had come home for a night – ironically over Mother’s Day weekend.  What a sweet time this was to see her with family and friends and interacting almost like she had not long before.  It was time.  She had to come home.  Brooke worked hard every single day in therapy and it would be a while longer too…  but she was working for it.

Doctors caring for Brooke could only surmise that Brooke’s stroke was due to a windfall of circumstances that all came together that fateful Sunday morning.  Previously that winter, Brooke was diagnosed with Breast Cancer.  After her subsequent surgery and therapies, Brooke was placed on a drug called Tamoxifen.  This drug is used in Breast Cancer patients for long term treatment.  A clear side effect is that this drug can cause blood clots.  It was discovered in the various testing Brooke had while in the hospital that a blood clot had formed in her right leg and part of it broke off and traveled through her body.  When the clot reached her heart it was able to pass through the heart via a PFO (Patent Foramen Ovale) which is basically and hole in her heart.  The clot then traveled to her brain where it lodged and the stroke happened.  When the ER Docs used TPA to thin the blood to ease the clot removal from her brain, Brooke’s blood rushed back into her brain and burst through the vessels causing the bleeding in the brain and swelling as well.  This windfall of circumstances can be viewed as tragic and unfortunate and, in a way, they are.  But the fact that Brooke received top-notch care well inside of an hour of the stroke onset, made the biggest impact on her getting on the path to recovery (despite even a few more bumps along the way).  Subsequently, Tamoxifen was stopped, the PFO was taken care of with the addition of an Amplatzer Closure Device and all therapies continued for a few months to address cognitive and motor skills.

Our family has never been the same.  But, yet, we are still exactly who we are meant to be.  Brooke’s warm, thoughtful spirit never went away.  Brooke is a caregiver and one that truly looks out for others – especially those close to her.  Do not EVER cross those close to her… it will be something to regret.  For many years now there has been change happening day after day – good and bad.  Many of you see this and read this.  And many of you have seen this first hand and have been with us every step of the way.  So many friends and family have been on this journey, this path with us every step of the way.  Others have not seen the need to join along and that is OK.  Being a part of someone else’s path is not easy.  Sharing in their experiences can be overwhelming and daunting.  I’m not afraid to share, it’s OK, there’s something to be found in every story for everyone – I believe that.

Thank you for being a part of the resurrection of this family.  Thank you for reading along and in more ways than one, you have helped us all move forward and become better for everything.

 

 

Yes, that’s right… “MacGyver”.  You know, the 80’s TV Icon (Click here to refresh your memory).  The guy that so many people wanted to be.  The show that everyone watched and talked about – “Did you see him make an airplane out of a pack of gum, some toothpicks and duct tape…?” The same guy that also has had many Meme’s made about him.  But still, when you think about or say “MacGyver” you are going to get some nostalgic response, feeling or memory – no doubt.

So what is it about MacGyver that has me writing on the blog about him and the the show?  Simply put – he’s a problem solver, a thinker.  And the show, even with all the Emmy notable (sarcasm) acting involved, showed that you can never be too down or have too much against you to keep you from trying to succeed.  In the case of “Mac” (as many on the show called him), he was able to stay alive and go home to be ready for the next mission when he was undoubtedly called upon.  This is part of what drew us all to the show and to the character that was created and portrayed by Richard Dean Anderson.

As I have aged and learned what I have so far in my short life, I have become more of a thinker.  Sure, there may be a blog about this somewhere too.  I’ve been able to “MacGyver” myself a career in various places.  I’ve had to “MacGyver” through many situations in my life.  And recently I’ve realized that “MacGyvering” is something we should all look at becoming skilled at.  Seriously.  Have you had to MacGyver your way home when your flights are cancelled 1,000 miles from home?  Have you had to MacGyver your day at work together when nothing went as planned and you sit in front of a daunting task of managing tasks and people and their problems?  Have you MacGyver’d your way through life?  I feel that I have so far… and I am happy to say it’s been great so far!  I can honestly tell people that “I MacGyver’d it”, with whatever situation may have been in front of me.  I have learned to stay calm, think practically, act realistically and (even failing at times) follow through on what I have tried so I can try again.

Yes, “MacGyver” is a way of life for me now.  He’s not just the 80’s TV icon.  He’s not just the guy that put everyone to shame when it came to problem solving.  MacGyver has created a way of life for many people.  For those that want to know everything ahead of time or want to have everything planned out, that’s great.  But you cannot count on everything going your way.  You have to be ready and willing to accept the challenges that come up every day or week, or whenever, that may derail your ultimate plans.  You have to be ready to think through things with patience and a clear perspective.  Know the outcome you want to achieve and work through problems.  Most of all, you have to TRY.  You have to be willing to take the pieces you have in front of you and put them together the best way you can to make your own airplane.  You have to be ready to adapt and change and get out of your comfort zone regularly.  Yes, it may be hard to think about and visualize but go through it.

Learn new skills that could help you in other situations.  You may not always be able to call AAA or a friend or a local towing company to change a tire on the side of the road – learn how to do it yourself.  In fact, practice in your garage or driveway or even go out to the side of the road one day and do it – on purpose.  If you don’t know how to sew a button on – try it.  Get some needle and thread and try it and practice it.  MacGyver learned a lot from watching other people, reading books and TRYING things!

Be curious.  Be safe.  And be ready!  Keep your wits about you.  Stay patient.  Be open to learning.  And, by all means, keep a roll of duct tape and a Swiss Army knife nearby!