For many years now I have kept this writing with me. I’ve shared with few and re-read it often. I’ve cried often while reading it and it’s not meant for that. This has always been a way for me to express the circumstances around a period in our lives that forever changed the way we think and act. And more importantly it continues to make me challenge the very reasons we get to be here every day. I’ve added to story here and there and corrected what I thought I could or should but mostly I have kept this the raw, in the moment writings of a very difficult time for our family. I’m proud to have this ready to be out there for others to read. For those that were a part of any and all of this story – this if for you… all of you that helped this story be told. Thank you and I love you all!
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From this one spot in this room, I have a great view in several directions. Directly in front of me is the most amazing woman in the world – my wife, Brooke. Just to my left out the window is a view to the west and off in the horizon are the Carlson Towers in Minnetonka. Everyone in the area knows these towers as they are a great landmark on the west side of the Twin Cities. Then to my right is another view that I won’t soon forget about. It’s the nurse’s station for the 6th Floor Neuro Intensive Care Unit at North Memorial Hospital. We are here for reasons that just cannot be fathomed at this moment. Two days ago, I think it was Sunday, a lot changed in the world.
Sunday really started no different than any other day in our house. Two of our kids were already up by 7am. I finally got up a little before 8. Sundays are usually a day we can sleep in, but I still had to work later that morning. At about 8:15 I heard Brooke get up. I was upstairs just putzing around. Brooke used the bathroom (I remember the flush) and then a few moments or so later I heard a crash downstairs. Startled, I went right down and I found Brooke on the floor outside the bathroom struggling to get up. If there was anytime in my life that I should have had a heart attack, that would have been the time. I rushed to her to help her sit up. I kept asking her “What happened?”, “Are you OK?”… but she didn’t answer… She couldn’t answer.
Brooke continued to struggle to move and sit up. She kept falling to the side. I finally got her steady and sitting upright against the wall. She couldn’t talk. She was incoherent in response but still looked at me as if she was trying to tell me something – with her eyes, like she was on a massive dose of a high-powered narcotic. I yelled for Delaney to bring me my phone from upstairs. In my mind I knew what was going on, but I decided to make a call to our go-to person – Brooke’s sister, Anne. She answered the phone and I remember saying “Brooke fell and I think she’s having a stroke. She can’t talk and can’t move”. So that scared the shit out of Anne pretty quick too! I ended the call with Anne and immediately called 911. By now only a couple minutes had passed. Delaney went to wake up Ryan, our oldest daughter. Shane, our son, was still hanging out watching his videos in the playroom. When Ryan was up, I asked the girls to call the neighbors to let them know what’s going on and that I had called for an ambulance for Mom. Within a minute, our neighbor Tammy was by Brooke’s side helping to keep her propped up and keep her conscious. I had to get some clothes on. A Medina Police Officer arrived within 4 minutes of the call and Long Lake Frist Responders and volunteers were moments after him. They started to check her vitals. However, as soon as the ambulance and paramedics arrived, it was decided to just “scoop and go”. Within minutes she was loaded and stabilized in the ambulance and gone. I wasn’t far behind though. I remember the Medina Police Officer at the house telling me not to try to keep up with the ambulance and I said to myself, “Whatever”. Our neighbors, who are also some of our closest friends, had a grasp of the situation and were immediately ready for any task needed as soon as I drove away. And attempted to keep up… I lost the ambulance within just a few miles. For one, my little commuter car does not have the power to keep up with it and two, I couldn’t get through the lights like they could. But I went along as fast as I could go to get to the hospital. I made one call to my boss to tell her I wouldn’t be at work that day and that the rest of the team would be OK. I pulled up to the ER drive and the “VOLUNTEER VALET ATTENDANT” met me at the door and told me I had to park in the parking ramp on the OTHER END OF THE HOSPITAL! I said “My wife was just brought here in THAT ambulance over there” (pointing to the same ambulance that brought Brooke in only minutes ago). His old crotchety reply was “well, you’ll have to park in the ramp”. “So what is the valet for?” I asked as I hopped in the car and screeched away.
I finally made it back to freakin’ ER where security had to get me a “tag” to go in. I was met by a volunteer Chaplain named “Vance”. He’s a man with a calm demeanor and he was very attentive to the situation already. He was right there when Brooke was brought in. He took me back to the area where she was in the ER and all I remember is thinking – “damn, this is right where she was about 3 years ago when we came in for her pneumonia”. Then I was let in to see her. She was on the cart, ready to go for her first CT scan. On oxygen, on monitors and covered up, she saw me and cried. Unable to say anything. Within moments, she was whisked away for her CT. I kissed her and promised her we were going to get her checked out and fixed up in no time. The ER Doc, Dr. Vogt, had me walk with them to the room for the scan and she filled me in on the plan at that moment. She knew what it was, but the scan was needed to find it.
Vance stayed with me in a little corner area down the hall from where the scan was done. He said a short prayer and we talked briefly. I let him know to be on the lookout for my brother in-law, John, who would be speeding in from the airport any moment. You see, John was on a plane headed out of town for business when he got the call from Anne as to what had happened. And like always, without hesitation back then, John was on his way to assess the situation and be the rock that he was assumed to be. Then within just a few minutes (and for once, it did feel pretty fast), Dr. Vogt returned to confirm she was having a stroke on the left side of her brain. She had already called a team together to get them ready for the next steps. She left again and returned with Dr. Peterson, a Neurologist in the ER that day. They explained that where the clot was and what the plan was to remove it. Less than an hour had passed since she fell at home so we were well within the time needed to administer the appropriate measures to take care of the stroke. First, tPA was going to be administered which would “bust the clot” in her brain. This is done by thinning the blood and working to break up the clot. Thus a reason they call it a “Clot Busting Medicine”. In addition, due to the SIZE of the clot, they want to go in and suck the clot out as they aren’t sure the tPA would break it up enough or fast enough. Dr. Peterson and Dr. Vogt left me as they called the rest of the Intervention Neurology team together to discuss the situation quickly.
Vance had walked with me back to the ER waiting area where we met John just as he was coming in. I filled him in as best I could, Vance took over when needed and we were brought back to another quiet corner to wait a little longer. Quickly enough, Dr. Peterson and Dr. Niesen, an Intervention Neuro Surgeon, came out to review the next steps again and sign THAT FORM which no one wants to see – and let alone it’s one that no one usually takes the time to read at a time like this. It was explained that the clot was rather large and needed to be addressed immediately. Dr. Niesen’s team just happened to have already been assembled for another procedure scheduled that morning. So we excused ourselves and cut ahead of them to get Brooke taken care of. They both explained the procedure – what it entailed and what the pros and cons were. There weren’t many questions asked because it just HAD to be done and done NOW.
John and I waited again but for only a few minutes. Vance led us both back to see Brooke where she was prepped for the procedure. Tears were shed by all and the team gave us time to be together. This surreal feeling began to settle in. Confusing thoughts came and went. And then she was off again for what we felt was her best chance to take care of the stroke. Vance took us to yet another waiting area, which, on a Sunday, is empty at 9:40am. John hopped on the phone and started charting plans for Shirley and Babo, Brooke’s parents, to get here from Florida. This was a good distraction because the airlines were just a pain in the ass that morning. I made a couple of calls, John made a few more and then Anne arrived. Three heads are now better than two and much better than just one. We waited a while longer and then Dr. Niessen arrived with arms raised and two thumbs up! They got to the clot and removed it. Blood flow was restored, and Brooke was awake! Commence the waterworks for us all.
Dr. Niessen led us to see Brooke and she was right, Brooke was awake and alert. A round of applause for everyone – especially Brooke. Hugs and kisses went around – especially for Brooke. I had a brief moment with her when she was able to tell me that she remembered everything up to that point. And she reminded me she spilled her soda on the floor and that it needed to be cleaned up. I re-assured her it would be taken care of. Dr. Niessen showed us the CT scans of before and after the procedure and we all saw the lack of blood flow in left side of Brooke’s brain before and regular blood flow after! This was so encouraging. Brooke was soon unhooked from various machines and we returned the the ER recovery area we had left about an hour before. Plans were made to get her ready to go up to the ICU. Anne, John and I were able to spend time with her as the docs and nurses visited with her and kept testing her abilities. About 20 minutes after coming back from the procedure, Brooke started to complain of a headache – which for all of us seemed “normal” under the circumstances. But that was the first indication of what would start the most unbearable part of this experience.
Docs and nurses continued to poke, prod and check on Brooke. But she continued to become more quiet and moaned that her head hurt. Dr. Vogt called for another CT scan before they moved her up to the ICU. She wanted to rule out additional bleeding or another issue before moving up. It’s best to go to ICU and focus on recovery. Of course, we were all thinking this was a formality. Anne and John were given the room number for the ICU and were heading up. I went with the team to follow after the CT. I sat down, once again, at the small area where Vance and I had settled at earlier. My heart fluttered a lot, thoughts came and went and I remember the nurse at the desk across from me ask “they got the clot, right?”. I replied “yes, but now they want to check her again before going up to ICU”. And I swear it wasn’t a minute later that Dr. Vogt returned, sat down next to me immediately, held my hand and told me Brooke was bleeding in her brain.
Commence the chaotic end to my world as I knew it at that moment. Dr. Vogt began explaining the situation and how we got to this point. The tPA went in to bust up the clot, the docs went in and pulled the clot out. Once the clot was out the blood rushed to the area it needed to go to and continued to bleed through. It happened fast mostly due to the fact that Brooke’s brain needed blood in that area and the tPA thins the blood so much. “We can’t stop the bleeding” Dr. Vogt said. There wasn’t a solution at that moment. “Wait, what are you telling me?” I asked her. “I’m sorry…” is all she could get out. I shook – my head, my hands and my heart – all shook.. I grabbed my phone immediately and turned away from Dr. Vogt, but never left her, I called Anne who was up in ICU waiting and told them to get back down right away. I dropped the phone on the table and cried. I cried a lot. That was it. To me, Dr. Vogt was pretty much telling me Brooke may not have long. Anne and John arrived moments later. I rushed to them both “It’s not good. She’s bleeding in her brain” I cried. We sat back down next to Dr. Vogt and she explained things to Anne and John. We all cried.
I remember looking up at one point and at that moment seeing two good friends of ours, Brian and Mary, come in the automatic doors. They just happened to come in as Anne and John were coming down from the ICU. I looked at them both, shook my head and cried more. Eventually the crying subsided for just a brief moment. We had to act, decisions had to be made and quickly and phone calls made. It was decided to get the kids to the hospital to see Brooke if possible, or at least be closer. I later found out Brian made the call to our neighbors, Gary and Tammy, who gathered them up and tore down the road for the hospital. But remind me to re-visit a funny story about this part of the morning!
Dr. Vogt wiped her own tears as we did ours, and left us to confer with the other docs on what to do. Anne, John, Mary, Brian and I were led to Room #3 in the ER, I think they also call it “Cart 3”. I went in to see her, she was quiet, peaceful but hooked up to some serious technology. Dr. Vogt returned as did Dr. Peterson, the Neurologist. He had a perplexed look on his face and kept shaking his head. “This is one of those times when you have no idea what to say, no idea what happened. Given her age, her health, we went with the best possible options to help her get through this successfully and give her the best chances. And I believe we would all choose to do the same thing every time”. At the time, I had no idea what to think of this guy and frankly, I was a little pissed as I thought he was feeling sorry for himself not fixing Brooke. There was talk about the next steps only, honestly, I don’t remember the conversations as much as just looking at Brooke. The plan was to start a medicine in her that is supposed to draw blood out of the brain – it’s just called “3%” and it’s a solution (so to speak) made of 3% sodium chloride… because the blood will follow the “salt” away from the brain and hopefully stop it. There wasn’t an option to do surgery at the moment. Her body was now set up for a major fight… Brooke’s body had to stop the bleeding in her brain and not let the brain swell up. If both of those continued, the odds of survival would be even less.
We had various other conversations with other nurses and docs while Brooke was getting ready for the medicine. The best location to get the medicine into Brooke was through her neck. After a few more minutes as I was sitting with Brooke, Dr. Vogt began to get ready to start the IV in her neck. It was a much more dramatic procedure than just plucking a needle in your arm and get an IV in place – this had much more involvement. And just then, I heard new voices outside the room and a little whine from our son, Shane, who appeared to not want to be there either. So just as Dr. Vogt was prepping Brooke, and myself, for the IV placement, I jumped up and ran out to see the kids. Everyone had arrived at that point it seemed. Our neighbors – Gary and Tammy brought our three kids Ryan, Shane and Delaney. Another neighbor, Ann, came as well. It was a tough time right then. Shane really wanted nothing to do with being there – of course, that is more to do with the fact that he is Autistic and unsure of the situation. But having to calm my girls down with the help of everyone was still tough. I sat with them in a tiny waiting room around the corner from where Brooke was in the ER. *****
Another concern began building with Brooke’s breathing. It had become harder for her to breathe deeply enough – probably due to her body working so hard on fixing the brain bleed. Dr. Vogt, again wanting to give Brooke even more of a chance to survive and live, decided a breathing tube was needed to go in. By doing this, the breathing machine would do the breathing for her while her body did not have to work so hard to breath and take care of the brain and bleeding. So now, after about 15 minutes, Brooke had a new hole in her neck with medicine ready to go in it and she had a tube down her throat pumping air into and ensure a clean pathway in both directions. I saw her shortly after the tube went in and it was overwhelming. To imagine her going through all this was tough to handle. She was stable for the moment and time was slowing down to a near complete stop. A nurse who had been with Brooke all along and just another name and face I will never forget, was Judy, and I finally turned to her and asked straight up – “Is she even going to make it upstairs?”. I think now why I even asked it, but with the look of concern on everyone else’s faces, the urgency that everything was done with, I couldn’t help but ask. I needed to know and Judy was a rock for everyone the whole time. But I just needed to know, I’m sure we all needed to know. Judy turned, looked right at me and with tears in her eyes as well, said “Yes, she will get upstairs and they will take good care of her”. It was now a waiting game – a game that only Brooke could win because she held all the winning pieces at this point. Brooke was now stable to move upstairs to the ICU. It would be at least 20 minutes to get her moved and set up in her new room that would house yet even more technology and highly skilled professionals. She was still with us…
While the last preparations were made to get Brooke moved up. Dr. Vogt came out to talk with all of us about Brooke’s status and the plan ahead. This conversation actually happened in the hallway outside the small waiting room where the girls were trying to stay calm. And by now, Shane got some Ritz crackers and was listening to Irish music on my phone and he was doing OK. Dr. Vogt recapped everything and set up the next steps and she did it very thoroughly and kept the medical terms as simple as possible for us simple folk. Soon after, it was decided to have the kids go back home with Tammy, Gary and Ann. All three were OK with doing that as it got them away from the uncertain of the hospital. We all hugged and kissed and everyone was gone. Brian and Mary stayed with me as did Anne and John. Once Brooke got on the move upstairs, Dr. Vogt came back yet again to let us know she was on her way up. It seemed that now, we could ask questions and get a better “lay of the land” so to speak with the situation. Dr. Vogt was very accommodating. After all, she was riding the roller coaster with us too.
I’m not sure how many people have been in an ICU before. Some have been more than they would like and other maybe not at all. But this was the first time I’ve been in an ICU. For the most part, it doesn’t look much different than other floors of a hospital. But when entering, you just feel a different level of focus, of professionalism or whatever it may be. Brooke was in Room 669 in the far left corner from the entrance. We arrived about 20 minutes after her so she was fairly settled in but the nurses were still setting the groundwork for their tasks. New vitals were recorded, new IV’s started for meds, the breathing machine was pumping away, and Brooke was “sleeping”. Of course she was sleeping, all the noise in there actually became pretty hypnotic in a way. Grace was Brooke’s first nurse that afternoon and night. She, like so many others we would meet, really knew her shit. We all exchanged pleasantries, she set some ground rules about the ICU – small short visits, quiet, visiting shut down, etc. And now, we wait. It will be a while – from what the Dr.’s say – until any measurable results come. But it’s up to Brooke to decide how things will turn out. The wait continues.
By the evening, Brooke’s parents arrived from the airport after a chaotic and hectic travel plan from Florida. They spent time visiting with Brooke in her room and we went over the latest updates. Brooke was quiet, her machines pumping away. Tears were shed and jokes were heard as well. It’s always been important for all of us to keep a sense of humor in even the hardest of times. Anne and John had been with us all day. Some more friends came from the ‘hood to bring food, see Brooke, pray and just be together – this was important for all of us I think. Ryan, our oldest daughter, had come back as well to see her Mom. This was good for her to see her and be with her, but hard to see her in the shape she was in with the breathing machine and all the other tubes and IV’s sprawled across Brooke’s bed. It wasn’t long before Brooke’s brother, Sam, arrived. And it was a great sight to see as he walked through the door. For various reasons, he and Brooke had not been that close over the years prior but I knew there was a ton of love inside that guy for him to fly out from Connecticut right away upon hearing his sister was not doing well. But this was one of HIS sisters and he hopped on a plane early from CT to get here to be with everyone.
I did not go in the room with Sam to see Brooke – Babo, their Dad, went in with Sam to see her. But Brooke woke up… looked up and saw him… and cried! Her brother had come to see her! This was a little more difficult than expected for everyone. Emotions ran high, tears were shed (of course) and Brooke’s vitals were jumping up. So Grace, Brooke’s nurse, asked them to leave so she could calm down and relax. Everyone hoped this was a good sign of things to come. The rest of the night was more waiting and, honestly, nothing changed. I spent some time with Grace going through Brooke’s admit information to get her in the system. There was no time to do this earlier in the day. Once that was complete, we all made our way to out of the hospital for the night. One by one, we all said goodnight to Brooke and we left. Tomorrow was a day of more fighting for her!
Ryan and I went home last and we settled in with Babo, Shirley, Sam, John and Anne for a little while. Soon after they left, Ryan and I plunked down in the living room and tried to fall asleep where we were. I told Ryan that I was going to leave very early to get in to see Mom as soon as I could and see the Docs and nurses after their rounds. Neither one of us slept well, if at all. Maybe we dozed a bit but that was enough I guess. By daylight, I was up and ready to leave. I distinctly remember having a one-on-one conversation with God on the way to the hospital that morning. I remember getting angry at him for putting Brooke in this situation and I told him that he was selfish for trying to take her away from us when she has so much more to offer the world here – now. I told him to not take her from us and I pleaded with him that it would be selfish on his part to take her away from us here on Earth. Brooke was here to do more and she was going to be here to do more for any and everyone… she just needed to be here… all of this conversations happened while driving back to the hospital. I’m sure it’s hard to imagine me having this type of conversation with God, and especially me taking that type of tone. But I was scared and mad and full of every other emotion at that time and I vented to him and I pleaded with him at that time.
After arriving back at the hospital and parking I rushed in to the ICU where Brooke was. Visiting hours were about to open when I arrived. Dr. Peterson just happened to be at the front desk when I arrived and he saw me and came to the window… “Her scans look better this morning. The bleeding seems to have stopped and receded a bit and there is little swelling right now. She’s not out of the woods but she is doing better!”. My shoulders sunk, my knees weakened, and I teared up. Dr. Peterson said, “She’s definitely fighting. You can see her soon”. I was elated. The night had gone OK for Brooke and the “3%” was working as hoped and her team was caring for her as she kept fighting.
It was several more weeks that Brooke spent at North Memorial recovering from a such debilitating a stroke. The severity of what she went through should have left her with a substantial deficiency in many areas – brain function, gross motor skills, cognitive function, speech, etc. It was all clear that she would struggle for some time ahead. But that wasn’t Brooke. She wasn’t about to let this phase her and deter her from being a part of her family again. She was put here for a reason – and that reason had to be uncovered. Brooke fought through therapy sessions – walking, talking, eating and even breathing had to be tended to again. It took nearly 7 weeks in all at North Memorial. It took Brooke telling me, and everyone else, that she needed time alone to fight through her days of therapy and recovery to make it. It was tough, every single day. Every single step was a challenge. We were all there for her each day and each moment whether physically or in spirit. We celebrated her successes – 1 step, 3 steps – eating with a fork – folding laundry – hopping over sticks – walking to the balloons – etc. All of it. This is what Brooke needed to do to be healthy, to be successful and be ready to come home again. Not “long after”, we met with all of Brooke’s team to assess her potential departure from North Memorial. It was time for her to go home. She had to recover more but it had to be at home and with her family. We needed her as much as she needed us at this point. She had come home for a night – ironically over Mother’s Day weekend. What a sweet time this was to see her with family and friends and interacting almost like she had not long before. It was time. She had to come home. Brooke worked hard every single day in therapy and it would be a while longer too… but she was working for it.
Doctors caring for Brooke could only surmise that Brooke’s stroke was due to a windfall of circumstances that all came together that fateful Sunday morning. Previously that winter, Brooke was diagnosed with Breast Cancer. After her subsequent surgery and therapies, Brooke was placed on a drug called Tamoxifen. This drug is used in Breast Cancer patients for long term treatment. A clear side effect is that this drug can cause blood clots. It was discovered in the various testing Brooke had while in the hospital that a blood clot had formed in her right leg and part of it broke off and traveled through her body. When the clot reached her heart it was able to pass through the heart via a PFO (Patent Foramen Ovale) which is basically and hole in her heart. The clot then traveled to her brain where it lodged and the stroke happened. When the ER Docs used TPA to thin the blood to ease the clot removal from her brain, Brooke’s blood rushed back into her brain and burst through the vessels causing the bleeding in the brain and swelling as well. This windfall of circumstances can be viewed as tragic and unfortunate and, in a way, they are. But the fact that Brooke received top-notch care well inside of an hour of the stroke onset, made the biggest impact on her getting on the path to recovery (despite even a few more bumps along the way). Subsequently, Tamoxifen was stopped, the PFO was taken care of with the addition of an Amplatzer Closure Device and all therapies continued for a few months to address cognitive and motor skills.
Our family has never been the same. But, yet, we are still exactly who we are meant to be. Brooke’s warm, thoughtful spirit never went away. Brooke is a caregiver and one that truly looks out for others – especially those close to her. Do not EVER cross those close to her… it will be something to regret. For many years now there has been change happening day after day – good and bad. Many of you see this and read this. And many of you have seen this first hand and have been with us every step of the way. So many friends and family have been on this journey, this path with us every step of the way. Others have not seen the need to join along and that is OK. Being a part of someone else’s path is not easy. Sharing in their experiences can be overwhelming and daunting. I’m not afraid to share, it’s OK, there’s something to be found in every story for everyone – I believe that.
Thank you for being a part of the resurrection of this family. Thank you for reading along and in more ways than one, you have helped us all move forward and become better for everything.
I've Been Thinking 