Earlier today I had a moment of emotion come over me and had a few tears fall from my eyes. Or it was really cold and my eyes were thawing the freezing air. But no, that wasn’t it, I was inside. Maybe it was the onions I was chopping up for dinner? Nah… nothing for dinner tonight anyway. I guess it truly was me shedding some tears. You see how I poked fun at the moment? Even during a moment of sincerity I can be overly sarcastic and an ass. It’s a deflection possibly or a way to lessen the impact of the moment. I think there are ways that we all do that.
During a recent afternoon it was yet another one of the overwhelming moments after a chaotic period with Shane. That day there was another sacrificed Apple device that met its maker. It didn’t stand a chance at putting up a fight when Shane is upset. His first frustration on an ill-performing device is to beat the shit out of it, then throw it, then beat it more and then hold it at the ends try to break it in half – you know, like you or I would try to snap a stick or something. Eventually, the device was nearly non-operational. The slow demise of this device has been coming for a day or two ahead of this but Shane kept his cool for the most part and worked through the issues better than he had at other times. Brooke and I decided we would actually replace it, yet again, with a new one since getting the current one fixed wasn’t going to cost much less than replacing it. And we will still repair the other one later as a “back up”. And this has been our routine with devices for years now. Some of you have followed our up and down and back and forth relationship with Apple and their programming changes and even more so – Shane’s (and our) utter reliance on these devices… all day long. In all, I would estimate that we have been through 10+ iPad’s in about 10 years as well as more than 12 different iPhone/iPod devices as well. And we won’t go down the road of TV’s and DVD players though – that’s another blog post maybe. Despite not being the biggest fan of these devices they have become a crutch for Shane and for us to help him get through his day. No, we are not going to discuss removing them from him. Anyway, I ordered one for pick up and got it after work today and brought it home. Shane was still doing “OK” with the current one but it was pissing him off more and more. We have a long process of restoring the new device with the backup of the current one. Then we have to go in a check all the settings again (some don’t move with the restore process) and we have to download more items that don’t automatically download to the new device. All in all it can take a couple more hours before it is ready to hand over to Mr. Grumpy Shane. Well, by the time I was nearing completion of the update with the new device – Shane was full blown pissed at the device and it flew across the room a couple times (just a few more dents in the wall to repair). Thankfully, he came upstairs as I was putting the case on the new one and he saw that he was getting a new device and almost immediately calmed down. Still anxious, but calmer for sure. I had double and triple checked everything as usual and felt good to hand it off…
That’s when the silence came. He was quiet(er), calm(er) and was content and happy again with a brand new spiffy $500 iPad. I sat back down, Brooke had since left to go to work before this all happened and as I sat there… it hit me again! “We can’t keep doing this! But, we have to keep doing this!”. I heard a laugh from Shane down in his dude-cave. I smiled knowing he was happy again… for the moment at least. He giggled some more, I smiled some more then I teared up… because it hit me. He was happy. He was calm. We overcame the challenge and Shane is happy. Yes, it came at a cost – both in dollars and emotions. And I thought more and more about how hard we work and the things we go through to help Shane be happy… because the alternative is absolutely gut-wrenching. And the same thing goes for Ryan and Delaney. There are times that they both go through things that absolutely break us apart inside… but to see the two of them, at any time, smile and laugh will completely change our emotional state immediately.
These are the moments I feel like I am living for and working hard for right now. The laughter. The smiles. The engagement and interaction. It brings everyone to life. In our house, when you go through periods of stress, anxiety or aggressions (in Shane’s case) it can wear you down physically and emotionally. The thoughts creep in like: “How much longer can we do this?” or “What is making this happen?” or the classic “Why me?” and “Why Shane?”. It is so hard to figure out how to deal with and cope with these challenges. In the middle of it all when you feel the weight and pressure of every bad thought compounding minute after minute, it can change in an instant. THAT is what I’m seeking. The change. The positive change. The happiness – smiles laughter – all of it. I’m a glutton for happiness. And it truly happens more often than not – honestly. But the impact does not seem nearly as infectious as the negative and challenging moments. It’s hard to make sense of that. So this is my role at the moment, as a husband and father, is to work to keep the laughter and smiles as prevalent as possible. And as long lasting as they can be. That is, until we can all create new ones. I think my family understands this now and they realize that I make many more concessions than I should – with everything. I give in more. I settle more. I’ve done this more and more in recent years since I’ve realized not everything needs to be a battle or needs to be challenged. If I give in, just know that it is most likely done as a way to get to the Smiles and Laughter again.
You too can seek out the smiles and laughter in your own lives and the world around you. Surround yourselves with those that truly enjoy happiness and laughter. Seek it out in the darkest of times and remember it so it’s easier to return to. If you’ve been through periods of intense stress and emotional complications… and then a smile or laugh makes a true and honest positive impact on you… then you owe it to yourself and others to replicate that experience as often as possible. Be the Smile and the Laugh you want in the world!
I've Been Thinking 