“I’ve Been Thinking… about Resolutions and a New Year”

Well, here we are again… another calendar year has ended and another has begun. It seems so mundane and boring to type that and to even read it that way. And, there is a chance that it really should seem like that. I mean, honestly, there were so many ups and downs, good and bad, crazy and calm moments that when 2021 came to a close there was a sense of relief to put the last year behind us and to take stock of what we still have after going through the last year and take a breather from it all. **Inhale deep through the nose…. and exhale slowly out of the mouth**… There, a little better, right?

There isn’t much of a point to blast through the big topics of last year when it comes to big events and “media” or “news”… we all have varying opinions on what we saw, heard and felt all year long when it comes to all that. Trust me… I’ll have another post on some of those things pretty soon. Something that I feel IS worthy of reviewing is what I saw in between all the other crap happening – both in our lives here at home and around us. This last year, 2021, was a year I really looked at and listened to people more and more. I listened, learned, adapted and changed and thought more and more about what I am here for. Really, this is true. I spent so much time thinking in my commutes to and from work or during the many sleepless nights and even during the middle of hectic busy days… I dove more and more into my own “WHY”. There have been countless hours spent this past year thinking about my kids and my wife and our lives we have right now, our lives as they were in the past and our lives as I want to envision them in the future. And that’s when something hit really hard in middle of this year like the saying goes “It hit me like a ton of bricks”. A realization that I have had before, many times, hit me again… and then again and again for days and weeks on end. I couldn’t shake it either. In the past I could move on by getting back to work or I would find a project to do or whatever and literally just move on. But this realization was stuck inside my head, my heart, my gut and my soul. My very own “WHY” was being forced out of me.

In the late Spring and early Summer of 2021 I hit a wall. I hit it quietly but I hit it… over and over. Brooke and I had just come through one of the most challenging periods with Shane as we managed 2020 and early 2021. Shane’s behaviors and aggressions were through the roof and we were truly at a loss for what to do. We had very serious late night discussions (because that’s when we could actually talk) about what to do. We talked and researched homes for Shane, we looked into facilities that could take him and care for him and treat him for the unknown. We cried – a lot. We hemmed and hawed about everything as we licked our wounds and picked up the pieces of broken lamps, and pictures and remotes every other thing that was thrown or smashed. We too… were broken. It took a desperate visit with Shane’s Dr. to almost plead for help… “What can we do? What is causing this? Where do we go from here?”. Shane’s Dr. gets it, he deals with similar aspects in his own personal world and knows all too well the struggles Shane goes through as well as all of us. So this meeting was different this time. We asked for help. We talked about EVERYTHING one day and we had a plan at the end of it. Within a couple days Shane was started on some meds that we were unsure of but we had to try something. The meds could cause worse behaviors and it could mask other things… so we treaded lightly and step forward again. The new meds kicked in pretty quick and we saw an almost immediate response with Shane and we felt some tension release. We saw some calmness come over Shane… and subsequently with all of us in the house. It took a few more weeks to truly understand that the new meds were working and we found the best dosing. Shane was tested in other ways as well with a CT scan as well as an MRI in which he did overwhelmingly amazing for both tests. So much so… that I actually still tear up thinking about just those moments and days and how well Shane did. It was almost as if he KNEW what he was going through and that these tests, meds, etc. were being done to help him. Who knows for sure because only he can tell us that… but I like to think that. So by late Spring of 2021 we all felt a better sense of calmness around the house with Shane. That was great news. Throughout the challenges with Shane we did our best to help Delaney navigate her Junior year of high school. She too saw some of her own challenges with school work and virtual classes, volunteering, work, making new friends and even losing old ones. And just doing what she can to keep herself moving through these days. The stress and pressure added to teenagers and school age kids these days is, to put in bluntly, un-fucking-believable. I said what I said. These students are pushed for a damn grade. That’s it. They aren’t given the same tools, structure or support in their learning that may have been taught in the past. We see it regularly; kids now are given information, told to memorize it and then regurgitate it for a test or quiz. There seems to be very little context to the learning. No direction on learning challenges – “Just review it again and do the best you can”. Teachers seem well over worked (we all know that). But also are given requirements that are more than unfair to them as educators as well as their students and the way they learn. I’m getting too far off topic here but will return to this in a later post. So Delaney too, was caught off-guard with Shane’s behaviors. So much so that she spent days at a time at her friends home. She was welcomed in to stay at one of her best friends when the shit would hit the fan here at home with Shane. It was tough to see her have to do it but she wanted to do it so she could not only get away from the chaos of life with her brother but to also focus on her school and the pressures she was feeling. As parents, we struggled with this but we we also knew Delaney needed an opportunity to thrive and even relax. It wasn’t long after that when Ryan also decided to make the move back home after living on her own with roommates for almost a year. She had just made the most important and biggest decision she’d ever made with regards to her own health. She was readying for a life-changing surgery that would (hopefully) rid her of much of the pain and discomfort she had experienced for more than 10 years prior. We welcomed her decision and we more than welcomed her back home as well. We made the hectic transition and surgery was scheduled, completed and Ryan was back home. Then she was back to the ER, then back to the Mayo Clinic, then back to the ER and then back to Mayo again. Woah… a lot happened in a short amount of time (future post coming as well).

After so much happened during the Spring it seemed forever to find a routine again. COVID wasn’t even on our radar most of the time with all that we had going on. But it was always a factor when we had something come up. Like when Shane broke his wrist… that was a debacle that took us having to fight for Shane’s disability rights to get treatment… because of the masks. Anyway, it took some time but we found some routine and calmness but I will not call it “normalcy”. And then, BAM!… I had that realization. Again, it hit me… constantly. The realization is that I couldn’t keep doing what I was doing. And whatever I WAS doing, I couldn’t keep doing it the way it was being done. And I mean all of it: being a husband, being a father, being a business leader, being a business owner, being a friend and neighbor, being a fan and supporter, and even just being me. It hit me that I was failing at all of it and I was crumbling – mostly inside. Sleepless nights caught up to me. Stressful days at work caught up to me. Uncertainty caught up to me. And… it hit me. Like I said it hit me hard. My realization told me that changes were needed and needed in several areas. But the biggest realization that I was either presented with or forced to recognize was what truly mattered to me… my family. Brooke can attest to this (and she does), that I am OVERLY focused on my family and how they are doing – everyone. In other words – or more like Brooke’s words – “You worry a lot”. The word “worry” isn’t meant to be soft or demeaning to myself or anyone else. And it goes along with the work “concern” or “caring” even. Different adjectives driving the same message. You get it… maybe. Well, that’s me. That’s been me. For a LONG time up I truly thought about myself first and did what I wanted how I wanted. I understood years ago that was not who I am and that others come first – especially my family. So my realization that my “worry” and “concern” for my family was driving me somewhat insane! It’s all I thought about – really. “Am I doing this or that right?” “What do you need?” “I’ll do this, I’ll do that”. Eventually I hit the wall. I had being “DOING” for everyone else. At the same time I remember always hoping that someone else would “DO” too. And this, in NO WAY, means that anyone around wasn’t doing anything. It means that I would just shoulder responsibilities and take on more and more things that seemed mundane and that I didn’t want someone else to have to take on. It’s weird, but that’s the way I can explain it at the moment.

This new realization forced me to calculate my worth to others – something that is hard for me to do. And it forced me to calculate my own worth… to myself. And I figured out I am pretty cheap these days. I don’t need a lot. I definitely don’t ask for a lot. I learned to not ask for help anymore… you may get stung later for it. When favors turn into lines on a ledger… you stop looking or asking for help. Anyway, it’s been a welcome realization honestly. I understood that my time matters and my work needs to matter. What I do and who I do it for has to mean something and I finally realized that I’ve been faking myself out for a long time. Thinking that my work as a retail store leader mattered – nope. If I did, then I wouldn’t have been asked to work like I had been working for so long. I wouldn’t have made decisions for those companies or businesses that super-ceded my own needs and those of my family. Quick example: as a retail business leader a big aspect is scheduling and you are asked and I have also taught this – to “schedule to the needs of the business”. And I realized that made no sense to me and reinforced my mindset – I can’t support my family when I am being asked and directed to put the business first! My realization was now being solidified and I was beginning to build a plan that should have been worked on many years ago. If my family comes first… then they need to see that and be a part of that… and I need to prove it. It’s one thing to “want” to do it but to actually take the necessary steps to make it happen, well, that can be a new challenge. But I did it. We did it. I stepped away from the over-worked way of life and found a new role much closer to home. Money matters and paying bills matters and there are challenges every day with that but that first change was a tremendous relief.

After THAT realization happened and kick started several changes I also took time to build on my own WHY. I know more about where I want to go professionally/career/business ownership and making these changes really helped me get to that mindset. When some more of these pieces fell into place I stopped for a bit. Coming to the end of ’21 I was feeling a bit overwhelmed again. A bit foggy in direction and even sad. I’m still missing something. I’m stressed inside. Then it hit again a few days ago. I made changes and thought through things for me in hopes that I can have better clarity and peace so to then help my family even more and be more present for them. Well, I haven’t taken that time I’ve recently acquired… to actually be present with them. It hit around Christmas. It was quiet this year, we were all tired from school, work and life. We didn’t do much. I was OK with it at the time but that quiet time, again, allowed me to think more about the missing elements. I spent a lifetime wishing that I could do so many things with my kids. That I could teach them to hunt, fish, play a sport or sport, or build something or whatever. And, a new realization came about… I’ve never done most of that. I haven’t pulled my daughters out of their rooms and said “We’re going for a hike – lets go” or “Hey, lets get some fishing rods and go down to the lake” or “Hey, lets go play tennis today”. I haven’t taught them to check their oil in their car, to change a tire or cut the grass. It just hasn’t happened…

Here is where I am at with this all… I realized I missed a lot of chances for a lot years to do a lot of things with my family and those that matter the most to me. The recent changes that we have made were made to better the lives of those around me and myself. I want my kids to have passion and desire and willingness to be more than they think they can be… to be more than I have ever been. Most of all I want them to want that and take the steps to do all of those things well before they realize what they’ve missed. I don’t think I’ll ever teach Shane to shoot a rifle… but I’ve already shown my daughters. I can do more. I want to do more. So this whole thing about “Resolutions” at the beginning of the year can be great if you know what it is you want focus on… and actually stick with it. Resolutions can help certain people make commitments and find success in different places. But realizing resolutions can actually come and go, that may be a drawback. This is why I am choosing to BE “Resolute” – I want to be unwavering in my commitments, I will be purposeful even more than I have been and I will continue to be determined to make this WHO I AM and WHAT I AM and if that mindset now allows me to focus on every aspect I can to make the most of the opportunities we make… that is what I am choosing. I will be RESOLUTE. How are you going to go forward?