The excitement of meeting many “new” family members had been fueling Erin and I for several weeks at this point. It was great to initially connect with so many and we continued to build a relationship and connection with several family members we had been meeting virtually. In fact, Andrew and Melissa, continued to stay in contact as well as Uncle Joe and Aunt Lois. And every time we connect it seemed to solidify these people are part of our family and we’ve been welcomed in.

Not long after we had our big ZOOM reunion call, Erin and I received our first email back from Kit. This first contact was very emotional as it helped us begin to get some answers and start a conversation with Kit about the life we never knew. In turn, it opened up many more questions that we would come to answer in time. It was around this time that conversations started about getting together and meeting in person. Logistically, it would take a lot of time and effort; but at least for now we all agreed it was a great idea and something to work on.

Andrew and Melissa continued to be in touch regularly and we’ve enjoyed our relationship growing through group chats, phone calls, Facetime, and hilarious joke sharing! It turns out, many members of our new-found family share the same sarcastic humor that Erin and I do! Hmmm, that’s a fun thing to learn. And so, Andrew and Melissa have truly helped navigate this process with us and it has meant the world to us. It was then settled that they were going to make a weekend trip to Phoenix from Colorado, and I was going to fly down from Minnesota to meet up with Erin and Drew and Grayson. We made some quick plans and then in June we all met up and it was awesome. Getting to meet these two in person was wonderful. We spent a couple days just hanging out and talking and getting to know each other and more of the family. We shared stories of what we knew, what we didn’t know, what we missed, and what we hoped we could do in the future. For all intents and purposes, these couple days laid the groundwork for what would soon be the most anticipated moment Erin and I had always waited for.

What we took away from our quick visit with Andrew and Melissa in Arizona, is that we definitely need to meet more family, in person, whenever possible. The stories shared back and forth just reinforced how important it was for us to finally meet. Like I’ve said before, a lot of this is bittersweet too. I remember being on the plane flying back to Minnesota and thinking about the last couple of days. And it hit again, the thoughts of what could have been and the lives we may have had, crept in. In no way were these thoughts in opposition to the lives we have or how we were raised; not at all. What was an occasional thought when I was younger, all the way to more recently, this thought of Who our birth father was and if there was other family, was all coming to life and opening up. Others had painted a picture for us with many stories of the family – recent and old ones – and I felt the void that was in my gut for decades, slowly start to fill in. It was an awesome feeling actually.

After the weekend meet up in Arizona, we moved full speed ahead into finding how to set up meeting more family – specifically for us to meet Kit, finally. And again, Andrew and Melissa took a big role here with Uncle Joe and Aunt Lois to make this happen. We had bounced around ideas of how and where we can all meet up. We had decided that it would be best to keep this meet up smaller and more intimate as well considering the impact we were all facing of meeting for the first time (that Erin and I remember at least). Keep in mind, none of this side of our family had seen us in over 48 years and had no idea where we were until only a couple months before, so this would be a BIG meet up. Uncle Joe and Aunt Lois were adamant to make this happen and, with that, they worked with Andrew and Melissa to secure a weekend rental for a house in Winter Park, CO. We knew there wasn’t going to be an easy place for any of us to get to since we are all living across the country. Everyone was going to be making a trip of some kind, and so, the planning commenced. Eventually, the dates were set, travel plans were made and the excitement continued to build.

Erin and I had gone back and forth with Kit via email in the meantime. We started slow in our correspondence not knowing exactly where our thoughts and words would take us. But it was all nice, informative, and we got to know more of the man we never knew… a little bit at a time, even if it was only through email for now. Aunt Lois and Uncle Joe continued to find some additional photos and share some stories in the lead up to our meeting in Winter Park. We got to know some history about our grandparents and their parents as well. We learned about some of the family adventures being part of a military family and how they made many moves as a family whenever our Grandfather was transferred both here in the U.S. and abroad. We also got a bit more information into Kit’s career and life, which helped explain some things for Erin and I too. In the back of my head, for some time now, I’m thinking about how truly amazing this story has become thus far. And now that we are only days away from finally meeting our birth father and his family (our family too), there is a tremendous story to tell maybe. This is about the time I started taking my notes and updating more information and getting more details, in hopes that I can tell and share this story. And thankfully, we still had more to learn about each other.

August 17th 2024, I took off for Denver from Minneapolis as excited and giddy as I had ever been probably. Ryan, my oldest daughter, had dropped me at the airport nice and early so I could settle in with a cocktail and a coffee (yes, both work great). Erin was flying up to Denver from Phoenix and due to arrive first. Aunt Lois and Uncle Joe were flying in to Denver from Baltimore and they were in the air already. Kit and Mary Jean had driven in from Dallas and arrived the evening before with Andrew and Melissa at the rental home in Winter Park. They had already squared away everything in the home for the rest of us. Erin landed easily and headed for the rental pick up. I landed and headed to meet up with Aunt Lois and Uncle Joe for the first time… and thankfully for me, I was able to do it by sneaking up behind them and surprising them! That was an awesome meet up – a bit overwhelming – but we kept ourselves in check until we got out of the airport. Erin wasn’t far away waiting for us and came by and we loaded up and headed off for the mountains in Winter Park.

After loading up the rental, we headed up to the mountains of Winter Park, CO to continue this weekend meet up celebration. The drive up was nice and it gave Erin and I ample time to talk more with Uncle Joe and Aunt Lois. Of course, the closer we got, the more nervous Erin and I got. We crested Berthoud Pass at about 11,000 feet and started down towards Winter Park, 15 minutes away. At this point, there was no more planning out what to say, or what to do, or how to react to this moment. The moment was here and we rolled into the driveway….

Thankfully Melissa and Andrew met us in the driveway and helped navigate the moment and we got through the early pleasantries and greetings with them and Aunt Lois and Uncle Joe. Kit and Mary Jean soon emerged from the house and my heartbeat increased, Erin got a little quiet (unusual for her) and he came to greet us, and offer a handshake… and a BIG hug for both Erin and I. This was it! Here time stood still for several minutes. The world around Erin and I got eerily quiet and calm. It took some time as this moment sunk in. And, honestly, at that very time it was more joy and happiness with smiles and laughter being shared, rather than any tears. Tears would come and go over the next couple days. We settled into the house and kicked off a weekend of conversation and sharing of memories, questions and answers were flying back and forth and I did my best to keep taking notes. But in every moment throughout the weekend it was more important to just be present and in the company of each other… our reunited family.

As the days passed after Erin and I connected with some new-found family members, the emotions ran strong and the questions kept coming. Thankfully we were getting some answers along the way. Erin and I realized too, that there was still going to be many questions we just weren’t going to be able to get answers to, without Mom. This process was starting to feel a little bittersweet without her with us, so to speak, and knowing what we’ve been searching for. But I do believe that she was with us in a different way, and I’ll get to that part later.

Aunt Lois and Uncle Joe had made their trip to Dallas which was only a stop-over on their way to Colorado, and they already had plans to meet up with our biological father, Kit, and his wife Mary Jean. But now they had another important reason to visit. Erin and I had discussed with them that having them introduce the fact that we had been found, or rather, we found them, would be best and that we also wanted to connect with Kit. We had come so far in the last few weeks and we were so much closer to making actual contact and meeting our birth father and we didn’t want to throw too many questions out at one time. Aunt Lois and Uncle Joe reported back to us how their time went in Dallas and how Uncle Joe was able to get some time alone with his brother, Kit, to break the news to him that Erin and I had recently made contact with them after so many years. Kit was shocked and stunned to hear what Uncle Joe was telling him. Uncle Joe was able to fill him in on what he knew up until that point, knowing so much more information, as well as so many questions, were going to follow. And Kit, in turn, made it clear to Uncle Joe that he was more than willing and ready to make the connection with us too! Uncle Joe and Aunt Lois were able to pass on contact information for Kit so we can follow up when we were ready.

One thing that Erin and I had agreed upon as this search was materializing and we had made contact with long lost family members, was that despite whatever happened many years ago and whatever “shoulda-woulda-coulda” questions came up, it was still in the past. What happened… happened. We had our moments in our lives of being upset, sad, angry, and confused; but we have been able to move forward in time – mostly through our humor and sarcasm that Erin and I share! Sure, we hoped to get answers to our own questions about our birth parents and fill in the gaps and voids that have been missing. But one thing we were not going to do was let anything negative come from this experience and we were not going to bring anything negative into this experience. And, with that, Erin and I drafted an email and sent it off to Kit…

Erin and I had been in contact more with Andrew, Melissa, Aunt Lois, and Uncle Joe. I began looking forward to all the information I could gather about our “new” family, extended family, history, and more. Aunt Lois became such a wonderful family historian and reference for us and Uncle Joe filled us in on many details that we never knew. And pictures… we got a bunch of pictures! Details and information were passed on to us that we never knew and, more than likely, we never would know if it weren’t for this coming to fruition. Erin and I had known that Kit was in the Army, as that was something Mom told us many years ago. But that was all we knew. And, since we hadn’t met Kit yet, or talked to him, or got a follow up email yet… we had questions. We found out our grandfather, Carlton D. Lloyd, served in the US Army during WWII, Korea, and Vietnam and retired with a rank of Major, and he carried with him some fantastic responsibilities in his career (very excited to learn this). He married his high school sweetheart Amelia “Amy” Sykes.

Together they had 4 children: Donna, Carlton David (“Kit”), Joe, and Patty. Uncle Joe also joined the US Army and served three tours in Vietnam. Upon learning this I felt an instant level of pride and humility for these three men for their service; yet at the same time a sense of sadness of missing this information and experiences for so long. This would be a feeling that has stuck with me throughout this experience. All three Veterans; our Grandfather, birth Father, and Uncle served proudly and continued to serve the country in a three letter agency after their military service. If you know me, and maybe after reading you will know me more, then you’ll also know that I am incredibly proud of ALL servicemen and women who protect and serve our country… and all those who have served and fought in the past and especially those who never made it home. Being raised with members of the Whitney family being proud Veterans has always been something I took pride in and always will. Now, finding out others in our family who would have normally been much closer to my sister and I, also served, is taking on another level of pride for us. It was information and family history like this that Erin and I have been amazed to hear. We never expected this to come to fruition let alone a strong family history like what we are starting to learn about.

It was a BIG group of people on the ZOOM call. Andrew and Melissa helped coordinate and set up a ZOOM call for Erin and I to meet (virtually) many new extended family members. Uncle Joe and Aunt Lois arrived in Colorado and other family members made the trip to meet together… and to finally meet Erin and I. You would have thought we were missing for almost 50 years by the turn out we had on this call and all the family that smiled, waved and blew kisses… virtually. It was bittersweet, because in this moment, while on this ZOOM call, reality hit again and I realized that to all of them, Erin and I were actually missing for that long. Kit and Mary Jean were not on this call as they were traveling at the time and we didn’t want this to be our first time meeting him with an overwhelming crowd online; so we would continue to develop and plan for that time to come. Over and over during this ZOOM call, we heard the same thing that family members had spent years looking for us and wondering where we were; and Erin and I knew nothing. Uncle Joe sat proudly in front of a computer screen and went around and introduced us to others on various screens, some of whom were only a few feet away from him at the moment, and others who were next door, but the was the first time “seeing” any of them! Of course we had already been in regular contact with Uncle Joe and Aunt Lois along with Andrew and Melissa but then we met MORE! Aunt Donna was there with many of her children (our cousins): Jim and his wife Tami were there and we finally put a face to the name of the person that helped facilitate this connection several weeks before, Cindy joined from her own home just behind Andrew and Melissa’s house, Donna, Kay, Amy and Michael, Tommy, and Mike and Melody were all there to meet and greet Erin and I into this family… all on various screens popping in and out saying hi. It was a special moment and one, of many, that will never be forgotten.

Well, if you’re back to read more then the first post on this topic and story must have struck a chord with you. If it did, good. I’m glad you are here. You were left hanging at the end of Part 1; and for good reason. First, it’s because I hadn’t finished the next part to allow it to flow seamlessly. Second, I didn’t want to lose you with too long of a part 1. And last, the pause allows you to feel a little bit of the same excitement and anxiousness (sort of) that Erin and I have felt as we moved through the most recent developments of finding our birth father and a part of our family we never knew.

As I left off part 1, I had just made contact with a cousin of ours, Jim, and he sent my Facebook message to another cousin, Andrew. As I stated previously, things really take off and the whole emotional roller coaster really gets moving. I called Erin as soon as I heard from Jim and she was like “What?! Really?!”. Yes! we found some family. We can now confirm the man we had been thinking was our birth father WAS actually our birth father. And I informed her that Jim was following up with Andrew and I would loop her in as soon as I heard anything. Which, at this point, I assumed we would be getting more follow up since we made an official family connection with Jim.

Here’s how the next part went and this is directly from Andrew and Jim (told to us later): Jim reached out to Andrew after we messaged on Facebook. Jim wanted to check with Andrew to find out if this was real, if I was real, and that this wasn’t a scam of some kind. I mean I didn’t tell Jim I was a Nigerian Prince looking to share my money with him if he would just send me his banking information – so that was a good start. So Andrew asked him to forward the message and send him a profile picture of mine from Facebook and he would actually be able to follow up with HIS parents as well and confirm what they could. ((OK, let me warn you now, you are going to have to remember some things here as we go. This is where things will start to go back and forth and you may end up saying “Wait, who’s who?” as I keep going. And I get it; Erin and I even did this at first too. This new side of our family is pretty extensive and we are just now scratching the surface of this now unfolding family history for Erin and I)). It was pretty easy for Andrew to figure out who I was. He called his parents and said “You’re not going to believe this… we found Erin and Jarrett!”. Andrew’s parents, our Uncle Joe and Aunt Lois Lloyd, were ecstatic and shocked! “What? How? Are you sure?”. The shock set in and the tears would flow as their hearts were so relieved to know we have been found. Andrew followed up with me pretty quick to let me know he talked to his parents and that they would also follow up. And, not long after, I got a message from Aunt Lois that made my heart sink and soar at the same time. So much so that I couldn’t read the message without tearing up and Brooke had to finish it for me the first time. Aunt Lois’ message was able fill us in a bit on some quick family information and also how elated she and our Uncle Joe were to finally connect with Erin and I after so many years – “I can’t believe we found you!”; she went on to say that they have also been looking for us for so many years since we left Maryland… nearly 50 years ago! In fact, Aunt Lois mentioned how she AND our grandmother spent countless time searching for us, especially as the internet became easier to do so. I was shocked, Erin was shocked. This moment is one that will never be shaken from me and one that still gives me chills to talk about and even think about (yes, even as I write this now) and the moment just hit home so freaking hard. We actually had family out there looking for US! I was speechless. How could this be? Where were they? Who are they? What happened? So many questions flooded in and it took a lot to settle the nerves and get to the point of talking with Erin and sort of talking through what just happened and how we got to this point.

To hear them talk about it now I still get emotional, but Aunt Lois and Uncle Joe were beside themselves with emotion when they made contact with us. Andrew and his wife, Melissa, were able to relay messages quickly and communication avenues opened up with them… as well as SO many other relatives we’ve never known! But hearing from Uncle Joe and Aunt Lois was tremendous and in various messages we were able to get some old photos of really young Erin and I. They were able to fill in some time gaps from what they knew and remembered. And, it was so heartwarming and, yes, emotional, to hear them talk of Erin and I when we were so young. Some great stories will be told but I want to keep getting to the main point of this whole story… our birth father. Aunt Lois and Uncle Joe confirmed some of what we knew and asked if Erin and I wanted them to touch base with Carlton David Lloyd, or as the family calls him – “Kit”. Erin and I agreed it would be good for them to touch base with him first instead of Erin and I showing up on his doorstep – “Hey there, we’re your kids!”. HA. As it turned out, they were already planning a quick visit during a stop-over in Dallas, TX where Kit had been living with his wife, Mary Jean, for several years. After that stop in Dallas, Uncle Joe and Aunt Lois were heading planning to head to Colorado to see Andrew and Melissa and other extended family there. So, as you can see, the timing was still coming together…

Aunt Lois with Erin ca. 1973/4

Our cousin Joey (Uncle Joe and Aunt Lois first child), Uncle Joe, and Erin ca. 1976

Joey, Jarrett, and Erin ca. 1976

Joey and Jarrett ca. 1976

Aunt Lois bringing Andrew home (son #2 of Aunt Lois and Uncle Joe) with Joey and Erin meeting him too!

Being an amateur writer (I chuckle at that too) with a lot of stuff rattling around in the ‘ole gray matter, I figured it might be time to get more of these stories out there for others to read. I’m thankful to be able to have some time to do this now and, despite my procrastination, as well getting in my own way (a lot), the time has come to bring these stories out. What better way to do so than to put them right here in the blog setting that I already have going. Sure, I’ll keep putting up “blog” posts and share different perspectives and situations as I have been (albeit, it has been the occasional blog drop), and I’ll be able to add a short story here and there as well. Maybe these could get published differently in the future but that’s totally different and something that would be out of my hands if it every happens. Now, without further ado, I bring to you my first “ready to go” short story and, I would be honored if you read and even wish to provide feedback.

Many thanks to you all!

~Jarrett

“Can a person truly know the impact of all their choices and decisions? If you knew what the results or the consequences of your decisions would be before you made them… would you still make them? Jack may have been through a lot in recent years and he may have put his struggles aside too many times and pushed forward hoping for something better without realizing the impact of what was happening around him. Eventually the time came that Jack was forced to acknowledge these decisions and their impacts – good and bad – and the results that came with them. But will Jack be able to do anything about it in time?“

“The Interview”

“I don’t understand.  What am I doing here?  How did I get here?”. 

I felt so groggy as if I was drugged.  Wait, WAS I drugged?  Maybe.  My eyes were trying to adjust, and I was dizzy.  A brief wave a nausea came over me and I wanted to throw up, but I took a couple deep breaths to help the feeling subside for now. 

“What the fuck is going on?  Where am I?” I shouted out.  But there was no answer in return.

I sat in a metal chair at, what appeared to be, a cheap plastic folding table.  A manila file folder was on the table in front of me.  There was a chair opposite the table, but it was empty.  Silence filled the room.  Well at least I think this is a room.  It’s completely dark in here except a dim single lightbulb dangling above the table.

“Is someone here?  Can someone help me?  Can you tell me what the hell is going?”  I shouted even louder this time.  Again, there was no answer in return.

It didn’t feel like I was tied or bound, that I could tell at least; but I couldn’t move. My hands and feet were tingling as if they fell asleep.  I always hated the prickly feeling when that happened.  I was only able to move my head and shift a little side to side.  This must be a fucking dream.  Damn, was I roofied?  But how?  If so, when?  Shit… this is crazy.  I must be dreaming.  But my head was telling me I was awake, sort of. 

“What is your name?” a voice from the dark spoke out

“Who are you?  Where are you?” I replied

“I asked you what your name was.  When you answer that question, then we can move to the next one”. The voice said back to me. 

I could tell it was a man’s voice, not very deep but very articulate, that I could tell.  My headache is starting to settle down now and I didn’t feel as dizzy or nauseous like I did before.  My eyes are clear by now too… but the room is still so dark beyond the lighted table in front of me.

“Okay, okay.  My name is Jack.  Can you tell me where I am?  How did I get here?  What do you want from me?” I rattled off what was in my head again hoping to get some answers.

“Jack.  Jack what?” the voice came back

“Jack… W-Walters.  Jack Walters.  Now tell me what’s happening here!” My mouth was dry I stumbled getting words out. 

“Jack Walters… riiiight.” The voice said slowly.  “Okay, and now tell me what you remember before you got here”.  The voice requested.

“What do you mean?  I have no idea how I got here.  I was at… I was going to…. Wait, where the hell was I before this?  What was I doing?  I can’t remember! What the hell did you do to me?” I shouted back at the voice.

“Good” the voice answered back.  “That is normal and what is expected.  Everything will come back to you soon.  This is all part of the process.”.  The voice stated calmly to me.

I could feel my heart rate picking up.  My head seemed clear now from what I could tell, but I seriously couldn’t remember anything before waking up here a few minutes ago.  By this time, I am thinking fight or flight and figure a way to get the hell out of here… wherever “here” is.  There is still a problem… I can’t move!

“Hey, seriously!  What the hell is this?  I can’t move!  Why can’t I move?!” I screamed out.

“If you could take a few deep breaths, that would help a lot.  As you calm, we will get things started soon” the voice responded.

I’m so confused and really starting to panic more.  This just doesn’t make sense.  Is someone after me for something?  Did I do something wrong?  Shit… I have no idea because I can’t remember anything…. Wait, I do remember.  I remember sitting in my car at a stop light…

            “Hey!  Hello!  Are you still there?” I yelled out.  “Hello?  I remember something.  I remember where I was before I woke up here! Hello?”.  I was desperate to tell the voice what I remembered.

I hoped that’s all I had to do, and it would get me out of here, but no one responded this time, and it was quiet again.  I sat still and took some deep breaths.  What the hell, maybe this WILL help.  4 or 5 deep breaths later, I was able to lean my body forward until I was able to rest my head on the table.  It was cold and it made my head feel even better.  That’s the most I moved since I woke up.  That’s a good thing, right?  At least I hoped it was.  I kept my head on the table and closed my eyes again and sat there for what seemed a minute or two, but I must have been longer because I startled myself awake as if from a dream. I was able to sit myself up which finally felt like a normal movement.  A glanced at the table as I sat up and the manila file folder was still there, but it was now open, and I could see photos and various papers inside it.  I looked closer and there were mostly photos were of ME! 

            “Hey, those are pictures of…” I started to yell out again but was cut short

            “Those are pictures of you, Jack, yes.” a deep but calm voice interrupted. 

Then, from the darkness across the table from me, a figure began to appear.  A big man.  A big man with a big beard.  Was he glowing?  I must be messed up because I truly believed this guy was actually GLOWING!  My heart began to race again as I sat up more and sat back in the metal chair.

            “All of these pictures are of you, Jack.  Well, they are of you, and your family, and your friends, and your colleagues, and just about any and every one you’ve ever interacted with over in the 37 years you’ve been alive” the big man said as he gestured to the open folder now with stacks and stacks of photos.

            “Hey, where did you get all those?  Who the hell are you?  What am I here for?” I stammered back trying to get some answers.

The man was now seated right up to the table, his arms crossed in front of his chest.  I realized then that he wasn’t glowing, and it must have just been my eyes adjusting again… at least I hoped.  He was dressed in just a white shirt buttoned all the way up and he had a single pen in his breast pocket.  The long beard was distracting to me, but I could also see that he had shoulder-length hair that was slicked back.  Now I’m thinking this guy must be some sort of mafia hitman or some kind of gangster boss.  My brain is scrambling to find answers to make sense of this since no one else is answering me.

            “Jack, you are here because something happened, something bad happened.  And we are going to try and find out why it happened and what we can do, actually what YOU can do to correct it.” His voice remained calm as he spoke to me.

            “But I haven’t done anything wrong!  Well, I don’t think I have because I don’t remember much.  Someone asked me earlier what I remembered before now, and I couldn’t remember anything.  He said that was “normal”, but how?  Why?  I only remember sitting in my car at a stoplight… and I wasn’t far from home because it looked familiar, I think the light at Thomas Ave and 23^rd St.”.  I tried to give as much more detail as I could and stay calm at the same time.

            “So, what happened that was bad?  Where are we?  And why can’t I move?” I said just as my hands started to move freely and now, I could squeeze them, move them, and my arms too.  My feet were also now free to move like normal.  I stood up fast and turned to run away but something forced me right back down into my seat. 

            “What the fuck?  Who did that?” I shouted out.

            “Jack, pull your chair in and we’ll begin” the big man said as he leaned onto the table.

            “You see Jack, you’re dead.  It’s not how anyone would really expect to find out, but you are.  You were in a car accident.  A garbage truck turned into you and hit you and you did not survive.  Take a look for yourself.  There, in that stack of photos, the fourth picture down from the top.  That is a photo of you in the car right after the accident.” He pointed to the photos without shifting his gaze on me and he waited as I pulled the photo stack and looked at them.  Without even looking over the other three, I went right to the fourth photo and pulled it from the stack.  I looked down at the photo and in total disbelief I said

            “No way.  There’s no way that’s me.  I’m right here.  I’m NOT dead!” I yelled back at the guy. 

Seriously, what the fuck was this?  Who’s doing this to me… and why?  I’m obviously getting worked up and my heavy breathing is the only sound in the room at that time.  My hands started to tremble, and my heart started to race again and then a bright light flashed and filled the room.  I had to close my eyes, and I tried to block the light with my hands.  A sharp pain started in my neck and went up the back of my head, it was a sharp stabbing pain… and then the pain slowly went away.  And the light too had slowly faded away and soon the only light again was the single light bulb above the table.

The big, bearded man was still sitting across from me.  He looked as if he never moved.  He showed no emotion or expression on his face, at least whatever you could see around the beard.  His eyes were still set on me as if he was studying me.

            “What was that?  What just happened?  That light, where did that come from?  And my head, did you do give me something?  My head felt like someone was putting a knife through it and then the pain just stopped”.  I was trying to calm myself again to talk. 

My heart felt more relaxed now than it was moments before, and it didn’t feel like it was pounding out of my chest.  My hands weren’t shaking like they were, and my eyesight seemed clear again.  Phew, that was a relief I thought.  If I wasn’t in this place and unsure of everything else, I would say I felt almost normal.

            “The pain you felt just now as well as the light you saw, is what you felt in the second you died in that accident. This is the reminder I can pass on to you about where you are and how you got here” the man replied.  “But Jack, there is more to discuss.  And you have an important decision to make very soon.  Time is running out for your decision to be made and finalized” he continued.

            “The pain I just felt, and the bright light that just took over the room, that was what happened when I died?  OK, how am I dead if I am right here talking to you?  This doesn’t make sense!”.  I continue to engage the man, but I make a concerted effort to stay calm.  “Let’s say this is all true.  Just for conversation’s sake. How am I here and talking to you? And what decision is it you are referring to?”

            “Close your eyes for a moment Jack” the man asked calmly.  “Take a deep breath and think about what you remember.  Think about earlier today; you said you remembered sitting in your car at a stop light.  Now, Jack, think back farther.” He continued.

I did as he said and closed my eyes, and I took a deep breath.  I could see myself in the car again and then I was able to see and remember… EVERYTHING! 

            “Hey, I remember it all.  I remember leaving my house. I remember being on my phone talking to my secretary. And I remember… my wife! And I remember… my kids!  They were there, I remember them!” I yelled out with excitement of the discovery of the memories again.  And then, a sinking feeling set in. 

My wife.  My kids.  If I really was dead, that means I’d never see them again – oh shit!  I had sunk into the chair.  The man reached out to the table where there now sat piles and piles of pictures and various papers.  The table even looked bigger than it was before too, that was weird.  But then, there must of have been hundreds or thousands of pictures on the table.  He reached out and pushed the piles over and spread all the pictures out all over the table.  It looked like a messy card shuffle on the table, as he just mixed them all up.  I slowly leaned towards the table glancing at the photos as he mixed them up.  I could see pictures and memories of my life – playing with my friends when I was younger, sports events I played in, vacations with my family, there was a photo of the day I met my wife… and then a photo of us and our kids.

            “This was your life, Jack.  All these photos represent all the moments of your life that changed you one way or the other.  Every time a change happened in your life it was from a decision or a choice that you made.  And, you know, some of those choices had amazing and beautiful results; but others, were very hard and challenging for you.  Am I right?”.

By now, I am engaged in what he’s telling me.  He started shuffling around the photos more and more while he stared at me, he just stared at me.

            “You can’t hide the fact that you haven’t been doing well for quite some time now, right Jack?  You’ve said things, done things, and have not been connected to a lot of things, right Jack?  You work all the time; well, you at least work on work all the time but even that has been a challenge. You have even been drinking a lot more than you ever did.  You don’t interact with your children like you once did. You and your wife are also not nearly as close as you were.  Those are things that have changed for you Jack.  Those are things that can drive a person to make decisions that alter their lives and those around them. Those moments…” he continued but I cut him off.

            “You’re full of shit. I’m not supposed to be here.  I love my family.  I love what I do for work.  My wife is amazing and does so much for everyone.  This is bullshit.” I raised my voice louder and louder. “And I will always….”

The big man interrupted me right back.  He started laying out pictures in front of me; my kids, my wife, work awards, vacations, me and my old golf clubs… and that’s when I realized these were all older pictures.

            “Stop it, Jack!  Stop it right now!” his voice boomed. “You don’t have time to cheat yourself and lie to yourself or anyone else anymore.  You’ve struggled.  You’ve been overwhelmed.  You’ve taken on more work in hopes of making more money and in hopes of that getting you more time with your family.  But that hasn’t happened, has it? And you finally realized it the other day.  Didn’t you?”

He kept his gaze on me still as he slowly reached into the now enormous pile of photos and pulled one out and held it up to me.

            “Here Jack. This is when it all changed.  This is when you made a choice, like all other times, that would change your life and everyone else’s.  But this time, you wanted it to be the last big decision you’d ever make.” His voice was calm again.

            “How do you?… What do you mean?…” I stammered back at him as I stared at a picture of myself, sitting in my car. 

The picture he held up was just after I left work a couple nights ago.  It was late and I had been working on a big project to bring in a new client to our firm and it would be a huge bonus for me as well as some additional recognition, and maybe a promotion even – all of which I haven’t had much of in a long time.  I sat, stunned, as I stared at the photo.  Because I remembered exactly what was going through my mind at that moment in that photo.  The deal fell through at work; there were a lot of variables and pieces that just didn’t line up with what the client wanted, and I was dejected.  My boss, colleagues, and everyone else shook their heads in disappointment and we told each other it was going to be OK and that we would bounce back and get the next one.  It was hard and it seemed in that moment that I was finished and wouldn’t have my job much longer.  After I left work and headed home, I had started to think about my wife and kids and how I was going to be able to keep supporting them and give them all I could.  On that drive home I went through so much stuff in my head about how to spin this to my wife and prove to her we will be OK.  Then I pulled up to the stoplight, just as the picture showed, and that’s when it hit me that I couldn’t tell her.  I couldn’t tell my kids.  I couldn’t face them and let them know I failed, again.

            “Shit. I remember.  I know what happened.” My eyes started welling up with tears and I took a deep breath.

            “OK, Jack. So, you do remember that.  Tell me about that picture and why I have it.  I need to hear it from you”. The big man said.

            “I got to that stop light and every emotion seemed to hit me at once in that moment.  The regret, the shame, and the fear, all hitting me at once.  Everything I had done up until that point came and went in my mind and I saw how I had driven my family away from me when I thought I was doing more to help them.  I can’t answer why I did those things.  I don’t know why I stopped talking with my wife as much and my kids were getting older, and they had their own lives happening in and out of school.  It just seemed like I was coasting by for so long and it just happened that we all drifted apart.  I kept trying to make more money to keep providing more for them so they might look up to me again.  And, if I got them what they wanted or needed, then they would know that I cared for them. When, really, all they needed was me to be there for them, to talk to them, to ask them about school or sports or friends. But I didn’t.  And my wife, well, that was the same thing.  We’ve been married so long I truly felt she wanted nothing to do with me anymore, like as if she was bored with me.  I’ve kept my distance thinking it was for the best.  Damnit!  I fucked up a lot of stuff.”

            “Do you think you were ever happy Jack?” he asked

I took a deep breath again as I glanced from the photo up to him.  He was still staring at me, reading me, trying to know me; but I think he already DID know me.  I set the photo back down on the pile of photos – which is now, all of a sudden, a much smaller pile of pictures with only twenty or so pictures strewn around the table, and I noticed the stains from my tears that had fallen on the photo I was just holding.  I sat back again in the chair again and took another deep breath.

            “Does it matter?  If I’m dead, what does it matter if I was every happy?  Why do you want to know?  It’s not like anything can change.  Like you said, I made decisions, right and wrong, throughout my life that impacted myself and others.  The decision I came to in that photograph right there” I spoke up more as I pointed at the last picture, “That is what matters, and even that, well, that probably doesn’t even matter anymore if I’m dead. But yeah, if you must know, I was happy before.  I’ve been so happy before.  My wife… my kids… they always made me happy; just being around them made me happy to be… alive…” my voice trailed off as I felt the weight of an elephant on me.

            “You were happy.  I know that, Jack.  And there have been so many highlights in your life that you should be proud of.” The man followed. “The memories you have now are the happy ones.  The good times.  The bad memories and experiences you’ve had are now fading, that is what happens.” The big man leaned into the table. “We’re almost out of time for this interview, Jack, so I have only a couple more questions before we wrap things up here.”

He rested both elbows on the table, and still, he never broke his gaze on me.

            “What else do you want to know.  Seems like you already have my life recorded somehow.  Actually, yeah, how the hell do you even know all this stuff?  Who ARE you?” my voice raised up a bit and asked him sternly.

            “Who do YOU think I am, Jack?” he said back to me. “What you need to decide now is if your life, what you remember of all the good times and happy times… and the little you remember of the challenges that once overwhelmed you; you need to decide if that was a life you wanted.  Is it Jack?” his voice rising as he asked me. “Is it Jack?  What do you want Jack?”

            “I want to be happy, sure, who doesn’t.  I don’t want my wife and kids to suffer, and I want them to be happy and taken care of.  I want to share their stories with them.  I want to watch them grow up and become amazing people that my wife and I have always known they could be.  I want my wife to love me.” I rambled on with a list. “And I want my decisions and choices to be for the right reasons.  I want to do better, I know I can do better…”

            “Then why didn’t you think about that before you made the decision to pull out in front of that garbage truck?  Why did you still choose to go through with ending your life before you gave your wife and kids and even yourself the chance to be happy with you again?  You gave up!” the big man’s voice boomed.

I stammered in reply “I know. I didn’t think they wanted me around or that it wouldn’t matter, and they can carry on and be happy another way.  It just seemed like an easy way to help them be happy… without me” the tears built back up in my eyes and spilled over and down my cheeks.

            “If you aren’t happy with yourself first, Jack, it makes it much harder for others to be happy with you and happy for you.  Your family, your colleagues, your friends, they all take your lead.  They all look to you to set the tone and it’s a big responsibility for those that are given that ability.  You’ve always been that person, Jack.  You’ve always been the one that people looked up to and you were always the person there for others along the way.  Somewhere, that all became overwhelming for you, and you stopped seeing that as a benefit to you and those around you.  But it’s still there, Jack, it really is.  You’re not the asshole you think you’ve been.  Well, you have been an asshole but that’s more situational; you’re a good man.  Would you want to fix things?” the big man posed a line of statements that hit me hard.  The tears kept running down my cheeks. 

My mind flashed back to my kids laughing in the living room watching TV, their giggling was always contagious.  And then I saw my wife walking to me to give me a big hug after getting home from work.  What great memories those were, so happy.  I was happy once.  What I wouldn’t give to be happy again.  The flood of emotions hit me again as I realized that if I’m dead, then I’ll never be happy with my wife and kids again.  I’ll never see them or hear them ever again. 

            “What have I done?” I looked up at the man again. “I am dead, aren’t I?  I can’t fix anything now…”

            “Jack, that isn’t completely true.  If you WANT it, there may be a chance” the man followed

            “Of course I want it, that would be amazing.  And I know there are some things to work on and be better at, but….” I tried to continue but that pain in my neck was returning, and it took my breath away.  Then the headache pain shot back like it did before.

            “Shit, that hurts again.” I said through the pain

            “It’s OK, Jack.  It’ll pass again…just stay calm and breathe through it…” the big man’s voice calmly said and then trailed off again.  The pain was getting worse, and my head was pounding, and I could feel my neck getting stiff and tense. Again, like earlier, a bright light flashed and filled the room, and it was blinding again; I squinted my eyes and tried to block the light with my hands again but I couldn’t move again. I was frozen like before and the light was blinding and the pain in my head and neck was so intense I was about to pass out… or maybe I did! 

All of a sudden, the light slowly faded, and I started to blink my eyes trying to adjust.  There was daylight.  I wasn’t in the chair anymore and I wasn’t in the room anymore.

            “Hey there buddy, are you OK?” a loud voice said to me.  I felt a hand on my shoulder giving me some subtle taps.  My eyes were clearing up.  The pain in my neck and head was better too. 

            “Uh, I don’t know, I think so maybe” I said back to the voice. 

            “Ok, well, don’t move, there’s an ambulance coming for ya and they’ll be here quick.  Just sit still” the man said back to me.

            “What? What do you mean an ambulance?” I asked as I looked around me and I could now see that I was in the front seat of my car again.  I looked out the windshield at the hood as smoke was billowing up, and I could see it was crumpled up too.  Damn, I must have been in an accident. 

            “What just happened? Where am I?” I asked out loud to man standing outside my car window.

He leaned over into the car window and that’s when I saw him, and I recognized him… it was the big man!  But why was he dressed like a garbage man?

Recently, I’ve made some posts on my personal Facebook page about connecting with family we have never known. There is such a long and winding story to this that I was hoping to turn this story into a book eventually. And that may still happen, but I’m impatient with some projects, and I believe the continued excitement of this story can be conveyed without waiting for a novel to be written. So, of course, I figured an alternative would be to write about it here in a blog post and I can update periodically as well. And now, without further ado, here we go…

For the longest time, since we were very young, my sister and I have talked about or, at least, made mention of trying to “find him”. These were random mentions in passing conversations though. Erin and I knew we had a biological/birth father out there that we never met. Then again, it’s been nearly 50 years since he was a part of our family and that is probably where things should start.

Quick(ish) backstory synopsis: Our Mom was married to a man many many years ago and they had Erin and I… many many years ago. After about 7 years of marriage, things happened and they separated and eventually divorced not long after I was born (yes, I’m the younger of the two of us). Mom met another man and remarried and that man helped raise Erin and I from when we lived in Baltimore and then moved to a small town in Upstate New York. Tom was our Father and Dad and he helped Mom raise us in his small hometown of Keene, NY (and Keene Valley) where we moved when we were only 4 & 6 years old. As we got older, Erin and I came to know that Dad wasn’t our “real” or “biological” Dad and that we had another Father out there in the world – our birth Father. It wasn’t until our teen years and Erin and I talked more about “him”, our birth father. We had come across our birth certificates which we needed to get licenses and then apply for colleges, etc. Mom was never one to talk about her past or the man that she was married to before. She kept so much inside and didn’t talk to Erin and I about it, but she always said that if we had questions to just ask her. But we never really did because we could see that she would be upset and I really don’t think it was a topic of likable conversation in our house anyway.

Fast forward a handful of years to when Brooke and I started dating she was checking my mail one day and noticed mail addressed to someone that wasn’t me. “Who’s David Lloyd” she asked. “Oh, that’s me” I replied. “Wait what….” she stared back at me. Uuuuhhhhh… yeah, that was a subject I never thought to bring up before then and it was about time to have that conversation with Brooke now. At least I could tell her what I knew and go from there. “Well, that’s my birth name” I said. She looked at me a little perplexed. “I was born David Jarrett Lloyd. Mom divorced our biological father and remarried Dad but Erin and I never took the Whitney name officially or legally, and since it was always just assumed we were Whitneys it never was an issue. And since I never changed it, that is still my legal name”. And it was true, Erin and I were taken in as part of the Whitney family, Dad’s family, and all the extensions of it, and as time went on we were just part of the family. Of course Erin and I always felt a little on the outside, so to speak, but we were loved and cared for and participated in everything as a family, including some big ups and downs along the way. It was around this same time that Brooke was also looking at my wallet, maybe trying to find money that wasn’t there, and she saw an old photo. This was a photo I had kept from the same file that held our birth certificates and other documents that Erin and I found. I kept it as a reminder, I think. Brooke took the photo out and held it up “When was this picture of you taken?” she asked. “That’s not me. That’s HIM. That’s our biological father.” I replied. “Woah! He looks just like you, or you look just like him!” she said in amazement. She was right. I looked identical to him, at least in this old faded photo from 1966 (we later found out). This picture was of “him” the dressed for the prom in a white, dark slacks and a red bow-tie. Looking now, there is a stark resemblance between us at these ages and I think that has stuck with me the most – how closely I resembled my birth father. Quick side note: I DID, in fact, change my last name to “Whitney” in 1995 before Brooke and I were married. It was the name I had been known by and made sense to me to change it as well.

Fast forward several more years and Erin and I continue to have random conversations that usually include the idea of “finding him”. As the internet became our primary tool for searching anything… we did some random searches every once in a while. After Brooke and I had kids, these conversations picked up a bit. When Shane was diagnosed with Autism at a very young age, this conversation picked up to the point where we wanted to try to find some medical history for that side of our family. And when Ryan was going through her diagnosis for Crohn’s disease we talked more and more about “finding him”. All in all, these efforts usually fell silent and with little effort. We knew his name because had his name on our birth certificate. Mom gave us some background on where she thought he was last living but that was years and years ago. Then Erin has her son, Grayson, and the two of us, again, talked about how we should “find him”. Erin eventually went online and with a couple searches she was able to find some locations and matching names that could be him. But that was it for a while again.

Fast forward, again, to just a couple years ago after Mom passed away and Erin and I re-started our conversation of “finding him”. With Mom’s passing, Erin and I realized we were still missing something in our lives. It’s hard to explain that part to others, but we knew what it was. Of course, missing Mom was a lot, and we took it hard for some time. But in the time since her passing, the two of us felt more and more compelled to “find him”. It’s still hard to articulate WHY these conversations picked up again. The best reasoning I can come up with is there seemed to be more of an urgency now, more than ever before. We lost our Mother. She was one of a couple people alive, that we knew of, that would have any information to our lives before we moved to New York from Baltimore. Our Aunt and Cousin had been able to fill some voids for us… but we needed more. Then, in the Spring of ’23 we made the jump to actually “find him”. This first attempt seemed like a shot in the dark and it was just that. Social media is the key to this happening. After searching our birth father’s name, I came up with a couple options. In look through photos, you know “Facebook stalking”, I found a couple pictures of who we thought could be him. I ended up sending the picture to my cousin and she wasn’t sure if that would be him or not. After all, the last time she saw him was 1973 or 74 maybe. She sent it to her Mom (our Aunt/Mom’s sister) and she felt confident that the picture I sent was him. There was now some sort of confirmation that we were on the right path. I hesitated for a while but I eventually agreed with Erin to send him a direct message on Facebook. What the hell… it was worth a shot. But what do you say? “Hey, we’re your kids from your first marriage!” or “You don’t know us but…” or “So, where have you been for almost 50 years?”. I mean seriously, the questions that came up were real. But so was the sarcasm of course. Erin and I LIVE by sarcasm and humor so you’ll always have that to look forward to with us. Anyway, I drafted up a message finally, Erin reviewed it too, and the I sent it. That message, to this day, has not been replied to. But we did not despair, especially since it has already been almost 50 years anyway. So I went back to “Facebook stalking” and went through as much as I could find. And what I could find on Facebook would lead to me to doing other searches to try and match up the people I was seeing. These other people, I was assuming at the time, were relatives. So, I did what other normal people would do, I sent a couple more random messages to some people I thought were family. One of which shared the same last name so I assumed that would get us somewhere. The other one was to a presumed relative with a different last name but the intent was to message both as an “inquiry”. Well, BOTH of those messages, to this day, have sat without a reply. But that’s OK, right? We do not despair, we press on….

After a little more procrastination for a few months, it wasn’t until just this past Spring that I picked up the mission and continued… again. Erin and I agreed that we needed to try to reach others who we thought were “family”. So I dug even more. I dug into photos, then I dug into comments, and the people who commented on ANY photo “he” was in that I could find, I made a note of. Then I found a connection! A comment from a sister, presumably would be our “Aunt” lead me further into my investigation. By now I felt like I should be working for the FBI, CIA… or even the NSA (just wait until you hear about that)! It was very intriguing to see this unfold. Looking back now I don’t really know how to explain how the pieces fell in place, but I have my thoughts on that and I will let them known soon. Anyway, after all that, I decided to sent, yet another round of messages. But this time… we got a reply!!

I really wasn’t expecting much, if any, reply at all by this time. I let Erin know that I had sent another message and who it went to and who I thought that person possibly was in relation to us. I had recapped all the “stalking” I had done online and uncovered some names and possible locations of where these people were. None of which, at this point, were leading directly to “finding him”; well, not yet at least. Then I checked my messages one evening a couple days later and low and behold I got a reply from who we now know is an older cousin, Jim (hope he’s OK with me using his name – HAHA). Jim replied that he indeed was a relative of our birth father, and thus Erin and I as well, and after he mentioned some other family connections he said he was going to pass my message on to another cousin – Andrew. Well, sure as shit, Andrew replied soon after. This is THE moment that EVERYTHING began to change and speed up for Erin and I. THIS is what started everything for us to get to where we are now……..

For just about 4 years now, Brooke and I have built a small handmade cookie business from nothing but a thought or idea to a commercial/wholesale cookie and frozen cookie dough manufacturing business. If you’ve ever started a business from scratch then you know what it’s like. And if you’ve started a food manufacturing business from scratch then you know even more of what it takes and what goes into that process. I’m not going to go into all the details of the business but lets just say we leaned on our DIY mentality, we ran with a “trial and error” approach a lot of the time, we insisted on getting feedback from our customers along the way (we needed to know the good and bad), we learned A LOT, we had the support and following of hundreds to thousands of cookie fans, and we did all the work on our own. Let me clarify that last part: we had some amazing people help us early in our web design and graphic design for our logo which was huge to engage with professionals in very specific areas (thank you Stacy and Anna) and then we learned to take on those tasks on our own after that. I like to think that as our cookies got better and better, so did the potential of what could come of this… and we turned it into a business.

All of that is not without some reservations and some challenges, of course. In the summer of 2020 as the pandemic was straining families across the globe, we were no different. Except we had more of a struggle with Shane, our Autistic adult son, and our middle child. Our daughters; Ryan and Delaney who are both older and younger than Shane respectively were embarking on new directions with work and school and coping with their lives and what was going on around them. I was working full time in Retail Management and nearing about 27 years in retail at the time and Brooke had been working part time at a local restaurant for a while at that point. But we were strained a lot when Shane’s transition program (school) went to “virtual learning”. Ha, “virtual learning” for a non-verbal person with some severe behavioral challenges… that made us laugh at first… then reality set in. It became apparent that Shane was not going to engage in virtual activities and, thus, he was now home all day every day and we had to figure out life now in this capacity. It was always on our mind that we had to come up with a plan for him after his program was ending by 2022 anyway, but this forced us into something we weren’t ready for yet. Brooke took the brunt of the life at home as her part time job got shut down and I stayed on at my job for the time being. But that summer while chatting with friends and neighbors around a bonfire, we decided to come up with a “side hustle” to try to make some money while being home now with Shane. And since it looked like this was going to be the new life for a while we might as well find something we enjoy and can do from home. Long story a little shorter… The Cookie Lab was soon born. And we slowly grew it into a Cottage Food business, then online sales through our website started, then we went wholesale and started producing commercially in a large commercial kitchen, then we moved to Silver Lake, MN and moved cookie operations to another kitchen and we grew even more. All the while, it was still Brooke and I developing recipes, making dough, baking cookies, creating packaging and labeling, filling orders, etc etc. We had been doing it all. There have been so many late nights spent in the kitchen making dough or baking off cookies and bagging cookies. Late nights were when this work could get done a lot of the time especially when Shane had bad days. And, yes, Shane has a lot of bad days. By the summer of 2023, Brooke and I were both staying at home caring for Shane as his support staff. Once Shane’s transition program officially ended there was not a program or place for Shane to get in to. Not only are there very few options; but of those few options even close, the waitlists are extremely long – years and years long – but none of them are really set up to handle Shane and his specific needs. We knew this for some time and we knew it was going to be the two of us taking care of Shane. And we have welcomed this fact every single day regardless of Shane’s challenges (that’s all for other blog posts).

So The Cookie Lab grew more and more. We pushed our online presence and participated in local farmers’ markets and sales increased even more after moving out to Silver Lake. We even connected with restaurants and grocery stores who could sell and offer our cookies or frozen dough. And we still did it, just Brooke and I. Side note here: we would have loved to have brought on a person to help with this but the business was only making enough money to break even as we still work to pay down our debt from the start up and put everything back into the business growth. And we had several conversations with people across the country that wanted to be a part of our growth and partner with us and invest in our story and our vision and our cookies. But if we did that, we lose a lot of control and we lose some of our focus. So Brooke and I continued to make the business grow on our own. This isn’t a pity party for us at all; this is just telling how it is. Working like this to build something takes countless hours and focus and we put it all in. We recently realized we were on the brink of another growth phase which would normally be another exceptional feat for any small business. We had just plateaued a bit for a month or two and we were about to take on growing into another realm of resellers that would dramatically increase our production, our exposure, our sales, and our overall business operations. How could we do MORE? How were we going to be able to produce more, package more, deliver more, ship more? We knew we could do it – sort of. We had done hundreds and hundreds of cookies in one day so it was possible. But at what expense? You see, when Shane has a bad day at home it takes both Brooke and I being there to help get Shane back to himself and to calm the situations. It also takes both of us to distract Shane and handle other things around the house. Shane’s unpredictability is regularly steering our decision making. We both have committed to this life of caring for Shane and he is our priority, as are Ryan and Delaney. Thus, The Cookie Lab needs then get pushed back and pushed back and pushed back until we are up late at the kitchen making dough or we are bagging cookies at 2am for a big order the next day. It’s a lot and we’ve done it. And then we think about taking on so much more business this way and we realized that it wasn’t going to work to keep doing what we’ve been doing. So we’ve made the decision to shut down The Cookie Lab and operations will end this month after a nearly 4 year run. All of the short 4 year history has been memorable for us and many others. But I think now about HOW we even got here and it hit me recently. Relevance.

I worked hard for a long time in my retail leadership roles. It was a career I did well and I truly believe I was a good leader for many and helped many people become great leaders in their roles and in their lives. I know I made an impact. I made relationships for life with my teams and my customers. In my heart, I am a people person and I engage with people and I have always had a strong business acumen and entrepreneurial spirit – which has always made business ownership appealing. As I look back now and think of one of the driving forces that kept me going and being in the roles I was… relevance. I felt I was a relevant part of the business. I was needed. I was sought out. People collaborated with me and I reciprocated. That all was going away when Brooke and I made the decision to leave our jobs and stay home with Shane. I lost my relevance, especially in my professional career and The Cookie Lab had slowly become my way to gaining it back. Talking about cookies or building a business or website design or marketing – it was happening again. I was engaging periodically and it was nice to have our success story to help be relevant again. In all that time it never really occurred to me that was such a huge driving force behind doing what I do or having such a passionate mind and innovative spirit. But was is it necessary? Well, necessary or not, it has been a part of who I am either way. I think I need to take a step back from that and live back among the shadows again for a while.

I am SO proud of Brooke and I for what we have accomplished with The Cookie Lab. But, I am MORE proud that Brooke and I continue to focus on our family needs. Our children are all adults and we will continue to support them in their needs and goals for as long as we are able. THAT is the “relevance” that matters most. It has taken a long time to realize this. My relevance in my professional career what just that, and now that is gone and in the eyes and hearts of my family, my relevance lies with them. It’s all that matters.

Here we go again with a trivial title to this latest post. And, as much as this is a “blog”, this will probably have more of an “Op-Ed” feel to it, maybe.

There are so many topics that zoom in and out of my brain to write about. And each of them hold some level of importance to me, my family or those around me especially. Those topics are usually more passion topics and ones that I hold a very strong stance on one way or another. This particular topic is really one that I am still questioning because it keeps evolving with little to no real change happening. Make a note of that last line as you’ll see a theme eventually.

Currently our nation is in several precarious situations and I am not here to talk about all of them in one post. But, one of the biggest challenges that is hitting us all is that of inflation (rising costs of just about everything) along with relative stagnation of wages. Before you jump on my case about specifics – I’m not going there. These are perspectives and will intertwine with all of our realities and you can look up more details if you wish. Let me get to the gist of all this right now – the average American is barely scraping by… and it’s proving more and more difficult with little to no real relief in sight.

When I say “relative stagnation” in regards to wages, I’m pretty close. In the last 3ish years wages have increased between 4-5%. Again, we’re going to stick with close and relative numbers as we know there are many variables and additional specifics that can change this a little bit either way. So, again, we’ll work with this average. If the median national household income is approximately $80,000 per year (gross, of course) and we all know there are millions and millions of households living well below that income – then how are we able to truly thrive, let alone survive, when these wages don’t keep up with the expenses? This year alone we have seen strikes taking place for workers (in unions) to fight for increased wages and better benefits for themselves and their families. Look at UPS and the outcome achieved for their workers to get a substantial increase in wages and other benefits (and they DIDN’T actually strike). Then there are the various teachers’ unions and healthcare workers and manufacturing and transportation workers (with unions as well) – all out there fighting for more income and better benefits and working conditions. The writers’ strike finally ended with some better news for those behind the scenes in and around the movie and television industry. This is America and Capitalism is alive and well. And this allows all of these people the opportunity to seek more money. And, if the companies and organizations listen and agree, they’ll pay it. But then what? What happens after that? When the costs of living keep increasing and these workers – ALL WORKERS – feel the pinch again – what happens then? Do they go back and fight for more? Is there anything the average “non-union” worker can even hope for? How do they advocate and partner with someone that can help? Unions can always help… until they don’t. But for the millions of Americans wanting better pay or benefits, you’ll have to ride that struggle bus with the rest of us and keep going after what you need.

For companies (especially the larger ones) to pay more, they have to look at all of their expenses and make adjustments in other places. That’s common and something smart business owners should always do. Then, when the belt is tightened again, they look at their sales (their income stream) and look at areas where they can make up the money they need to pay the additional wages, benefits, etc. to their workers. And you know what happens; the vicious cycle of price increases happens with the shit then rolling downhill again to the workers and consumers having to take the hit… I mean PAY for it. It’s the nature of the beast. It’s part of business, it’s part of the economy and it’s part of what has made our nation very strong for starting, owning and growing businesses. So these great big businesses and corporations are back to making great money and profits, and the costs of living are still climbing. Did anything change for the better? Or change for the long term? No, not really. Will the workers strike again to force the hands to pay them more when the tough times hit them again? Will these businesses start increasing wages regularly at a higher percentage every year? It’s a pipe dream – but possible.

I don’t know THE answer, as I’m just here with an opinion and perspective on this. And I am well aware there are many different answers that we can apply to this. So I am going to give you my FIRST answer and it’s as real as you can expect. However, you need to understand the primary reasons that so many of us, if not all, are feeling the financial pinch every payday or with every bill paid. Look at where our money is going. If you want to earn more and take more money home – yes we all do – then we need to truly question where our hard earned money keeps going. You guessed it – the Government. Both state governments and the Federal Government continue to take more and more from everyone and there is no end in sight for these increases. Yes, I’m talking taxes and anything and everything that can be construed as a tax or fee paid to the entities that sit in buildings that were never designed to be a business; but that’s how they’re being run. Maybe you’ve seen the writings and social media posts, the memes and videos talking about how your money keeps getting taxes wherever you go: the federal government takes taxes, the states take taxes, you pay taxes when you spend your already taxed money and pay taxes on things you’ve already paid for and paid taxes for. A favorite example here is how we pay taxes on vehicles then a “registration fee” to keep the vehicle on the road – just a form of a tax. But that’s a small snippet of where our money continues to go without us having any say at all. There’s also the perspective of “fair share” when it comes to corporations and the wealthy paying more. But really, if you haven’t done your homework on this then it’s not a talking point and won’t matter. In the most recent data released (from 2020) it showed the top 1% of income earners paid out over 40% of the total Federal Income Tax. Hmm, it seems that many DO pay their fair share and yet we still have a problem. The tax code is broken and needs to be thrown out and re-done. But really, do you think for a minute that even if the ultra wealthy or large corporations who pay little to no taxes do so on purpose? No, they do so because they CAN. Because they’re allowed to and because they’re following the tax codes. And even so, at the end of the day, do you think that anymore taxes collected would really make a dent in helping everyday working middle and lower class Americans? Nope, it won’t happen. If the governments were able to get more money; they’re keeping and spending it on passion projects or sending it overseas – that’s another conversation that everyday Americans need to have as well.

You know I am not an economist or an accountant or lawyer or anything of the sort. I’m just one of the millions and millions and millions of Americans who continue to see our hard earned money get taken from us… with no say where it goes or how it is spent. That seems a little shitty to me. So where’s the line going to be drawn? When do the corporations and large businesses realize that their people are striking for better wages because the government keeps taking more and more from them and the costs of living keep going up? Will they every push back on the government to slow that down? Most likely not. When will the hard-working tax paying citizens ever get financial security while doing all they can to mitigate their own expenses and costs? When does it stop? Or, better yet at least… when does it just get better? It sure was better at one point.

Now look back to the beginning here and read that line again; “…I am still questioning because it keeps evolving with little to no real change happening”. We have to make the change happen. We have to talk REAL impact and facts and the reality of the situations. Then, we have to ACT on it and make big changes. And only then will we start to see things get better.

Earlier today I had a moment of emotion come over me and had a few tears fall from my eyes. Or it was really cold and my eyes were thawing the freezing air. But no, that wasn’t it, I was inside. Maybe it was the onions I was chopping up for dinner? Nah… nothing for dinner tonight anyway. I guess it truly was me shedding some tears. You see how I poked fun at the moment? Even during a moment of sincerity I can be overly sarcastic and an ass. It’s a deflection possibly or a way to lessen the impact of the moment. I think there are ways that we all do that.

During a recent afternoon it was yet another one of the overwhelming moments after a chaotic period with Shane. That day there was another sacrificed Apple device that met its maker. It didn’t stand a chance at putting up a fight when Shane is upset. His first frustration on an ill-performing device is to beat the shit out of it, then throw it, then beat it more and then hold it at the ends try to break it in half – you know, like you or I would try to snap a stick or something. Eventually, the device was nearly non-operational. The slow demise of this device has been coming for a day or two ahead of this but Shane kept his cool for the most part and worked through the issues better than he had at other times. Brooke and I decided we would actually replace it, yet again, with a new one since getting the current one fixed wasn’t going to cost much less than replacing it. And we will still repair the other one later as a “back up”. And this has been our routine with devices for years now. Some of you have followed our up and down and back and forth relationship with Apple and their programming changes and even more so – Shane’s (and our) utter reliance on these devices… all day long. In all, I would estimate that we have been through 10+ iPad’s in about 10 years as well as more than 12 different iPhone/iPod devices as well. And we won’t go down the road of TV’s and DVD players though – that’s another blog post maybe. Despite not being the biggest fan of these devices they have become a crutch for Shane and for us to help him get through his day. No, we are not going to discuss removing them from him. Anyway, I ordered one for pick up and got it after work today and brought it home. Shane was still doing “OK” with the current one but it was pissing him off more and more. We have a long process of restoring the new device with the backup of the current one. Then we have to go in a check all the settings again (some don’t move with the restore process) and we have to download more items that don’t automatically download to the new device. All in all it can take a couple more hours before it is ready to hand over to Mr. Grumpy Shane. Well, by the time I was nearing completion of the update with the new device – Shane was full blown pissed at the device and it flew across the room a couple times (just a few more dents in the wall to repair). Thankfully, he came upstairs as I was putting the case on the new one and he saw that he was getting a new device and almost immediately calmed down. Still anxious, but calmer for sure. I had double and triple checked everything as usual and felt good to hand it off…

That’s when the silence came. He was quiet(er), calm(er) and was content and happy again with a brand new spiffy $500 iPad. I sat back down, Brooke had since left to go to work before this all happened and as I sat there… it hit me again! “We can’t keep doing this! But, we have to keep doing this!”. I heard a laugh from Shane down in his dude-cave. I smiled knowing he was happy again… for the moment at least. He giggled some more, I smiled some more then I teared up… because it hit me. He was happy. He was calm. We overcame the challenge and Shane is happy. Yes, it came at a cost – both in dollars and emotions. And I thought more and more about how hard we work and the things we go through to help Shane be happy… because the alternative is absolutely gut-wrenching. And the same thing goes for Ryan and Delaney. There are times that they both go through things that absolutely break us apart inside… but to see the two of them, at any time, smile and laugh will completely change our emotional state immediately.

These are the moments I feel like I am living for and working hard for right now. The laughter. The smiles. The engagement and interaction. It brings everyone to life. In our house, when you go through periods of stress, anxiety or aggressions (in Shane’s case) it can wear you down physically and emotionally. The thoughts creep in like: “How much longer can we do this?” or “What is making this happen?” or the classic “Why me?” and “Why Shane?”. It is so hard to figure out how to deal with and cope with these challenges. In the middle of it all when you feel the weight and pressure of every bad thought compounding minute after minute, it can change in an instant. THAT is what I’m seeking. The change. The positive change. The happiness – smiles laughter – all of it. I’m a glutton for happiness. And it truly happens more often than not – honestly. But the impact does not seem nearly as infectious as the negative and challenging moments. It’s hard to make sense of that. So this is my role at the moment, as a husband and father, is to work to keep the laughter and smiles as prevalent as possible. And as long lasting as they can be. That is, until we can all create new ones. I think my family understands this now and they realize that I make many more concessions than I should – with everything. I give in more. I settle more. I’ve done this more and more in recent years since I’ve realized not everything needs to be a battle or needs to be challenged. If I give in, just know that it is most likely done as a way to get to the Smiles and Laughter again.

You too can seek out the smiles and laughter in your own lives and the world around you. Surround yourselves with those that truly enjoy happiness and laughter. Seek it out in the darkest of times and remember it so it’s easier to return to. If you’ve been through periods of intense stress and emotional complications… and then a smile or laugh makes a true and honest positive impact on you… then you owe it to yourself and others to replicate that experience as often as possible. Be the Smile and the Laugh you want in the world!

Well, here we are again… another calendar year has ended and another has begun. It seems so mundane and boring to type that and to even read it that way. And, there is a chance that it really should seem like that. I mean, honestly, there were so many ups and downs, good and bad, crazy and calm moments that when 2021 came to a close there was a sense of relief to put the last year behind us and to take stock of what we still have after going through the last year and take a breather from it all. **Inhale deep through the nose…. and exhale slowly out of the mouth**… There, a little better, right?

There isn’t much of a point to blast through the big topics of last year when it comes to big events and “media” or “news”… we all have varying opinions on what we saw, heard and felt all year long when it comes to all that. Trust me… I’ll have another post on some of those things pretty soon. Something that I feel IS worthy of reviewing is what I saw in between all the other crap happening – both in our lives here at home and around us. This last year, 2021, was a year I really looked at and listened to people more and more. I listened, learned, adapted and changed and thought more and more about what I am here for. Really, this is true. I spent so much time thinking in my commutes to and from work or during the many sleepless nights and even during the middle of hectic busy days… I dove more and more into my own “WHY”. There have been countless hours spent this past year thinking about my kids and my wife and our lives we have right now, our lives as they were in the past and our lives as I want to envision them in the future. And that’s when something hit really hard in middle of this year like the saying goes “It hit me like a ton of bricks”. A realization that I have had before, many times, hit me again… and then again and again for days and weeks on end. I couldn’t shake it either. In the past I could move on by getting back to work or I would find a project to do or whatever and literally just move on. But this realization was stuck inside my head, my heart, my gut and my soul. My very own “WHY” was being forced out of me.

In the late Spring and early Summer of 2021 I hit a wall. I hit it quietly but I hit it… over and over. Brooke and I had just come through one of the most challenging periods with Shane as we managed 2020 and early 2021. Shane’s behaviors and aggressions were through the roof and we were truly at a loss for what to do. We had very serious late night discussions (because that’s when we could actually talk) about what to do. We talked and researched homes for Shane, we looked into facilities that could take him and care for him and treat him for the unknown. We cried – a lot. We hemmed and hawed about everything as we licked our wounds and picked up the pieces of broken lamps, and pictures and remotes every other thing that was thrown or smashed. We too… were broken. It took a desperate visit with Shane’s Dr. to almost plead for help… “What can we do? What is causing this? Where do we go from here?”. Shane’s Dr. gets it, he deals with similar aspects in his own personal world and knows all too well the struggles Shane goes through as well as all of us. So this meeting was different this time. We asked for help. We talked about EVERYTHING one day and we had a plan at the end of it. Within a couple days Shane was started on some meds that we were unsure of but we had to try something. The meds could cause worse behaviors and it could mask other things… so we treaded lightly and step forward again. The new meds kicked in pretty quick and we saw an almost immediate response with Shane and we felt some tension release. We saw some calmness come over Shane… and subsequently with all of us in the house. It took a few more weeks to truly understand that the new meds were working and we found the best dosing. Shane was tested in other ways as well with a CT scan as well as an MRI in which he did overwhelmingly amazing for both tests. So much so… that I actually still tear up thinking about just those moments and days and how well Shane did. It was almost as if he KNEW what he was going through and that these tests, meds, etc. were being done to help him. Who knows for sure because only he can tell us that… but I like to think that. So by late Spring of 2021 we all felt a better sense of calmness around the house with Shane. That was great news. Throughout the challenges with Shane we did our best to help Delaney navigate her Junior year of high school. She too saw some of her own challenges with school work and virtual classes, volunteering, work, making new friends and even losing old ones. And just doing what she can to keep herself moving through these days. The stress and pressure added to teenagers and school age kids these days is, to put in bluntly, un-fucking-believable. I said what I said. These students are pushed for a damn grade. That’s it. They aren’t given the same tools, structure or support in their learning that may have been taught in the past. We see it regularly; kids now are given information, told to memorize it and then regurgitate it for a test or quiz. There seems to be very little context to the learning. No direction on learning challenges – “Just review it again and do the best you can”. Teachers seem well over worked (we all know that). But also are given requirements that are more than unfair to them as educators as well as their students and the way they learn. I’m getting too far off topic here but will return to this in a later post. So Delaney too, was caught off-guard with Shane’s behaviors. So much so that she spent days at a time at her friends home. She was welcomed in to stay at one of her best friends when the shit would hit the fan here at home with Shane. It was tough to see her have to do it but she wanted to do it so she could not only get away from the chaos of life with her brother but to also focus on her school and the pressures she was feeling. As parents, we struggled with this but we we also knew Delaney needed an opportunity to thrive and even relax. It wasn’t long after that when Ryan also decided to make the move back home after living on her own with roommates for almost a year. She had just made the most important and biggest decision she’d ever made with regards to her own health. She was readying for a life-changing surgery that would (hopefully) rid her of much of the pain and discomfort she had experienced for more than 10 years prior. We welcomed her decision and we more than welcomed her back home as well. We made the hectic transition and surgery was scheduled, completed and Ryan was back home. Then she was back to the ER, then back to the Mayo Clinic, then back to the ER and then back to Mayo again. Woah… a lot happened in a short amount of time (future post coming as well).

After so much happened during the Spring it seemed forever to find a routine again. COVID wasn’t even on our radar most of the time with all that we had going on. But it was always a factor when we had something come up. Like when Shane broke his wrist… that was a debacle that took us having to fight for Shane’s disability rights to get treatment… because of the masks. Anyway, it took some time but we found some routine and calmness but I will not call it “normalcy”. And then, BAM!… I had that realization. Again, it hit me… constantly. The realization is that I couldn’t keep doing what I was doing. And whatever I WAS doing, I couldn’t keep doing it the way it was being done. And I mean all of it: being a husband, being a father, being a business leader, being a business owner, being a friend and neighbor, being a fan and supporter, and even just being me. It hit me that I was failing at all of it and I was crumbling – mostly inside. Sleepless nights caught up to me. Stressful days at work caught up to me. Uncertainty caught up to me. And… it hit me. Like I said it hit me hard. My realization told me that changes were needed and needed in several areas. But the biggest realization that I was either presented with or forced to recognize was what truly mattered to me… my family. Brooke can attest to this (and she does), that I am OVERLY focused on my family and how they are doing – everyone. In other words – or more like Brooke’s words – “You worry a lot”. The word “worry” isn’t meant to be soft or demeaning to myself or anyone else. And it goes along with the work “concern” or “caring” even. Different adjectives driving the same message. You get it… maybe. Well, that’s me. That’s been me. For a LONG time up I truly thought about myself first and did what I wanted how I wanted. I understood years ago that was not who I am and that others come first – especially my family. So my realization that my “worry” and “concern” for my family was driving me somewhat insane! It’s all I thought about – really. “Am I doing this or that right?” “What do you need?” “I’ll do this, I’ll do that”. Eventually I hit the wall. I had being “DOING” for everyone else. At the same time I remember always hoping that someone else would “DO” too. And this, in NO WAY, means that anyone around wasn’t doing anything. It means that I would just shoulder responsibilities and take on more and more things that seemed mundane and that I didn’t want someone else to have to take on. It’s weird, but that’s the way I can explain it at the moment.

This new realization forced me to calculate my worth to others – something that is hard for me to do. And it forced me to calculate my own worth… to myself. And I figured out I am pretty cheap these days. I don’t need a lot. I definitely don’t ask for a lot. I learned to not ask for help anymore… you may get stung later for it. When favors turn into lines on a ledger… you stop looking or asking for help. Anyway, it’s been a welcome realization honestly. I understood that my time matters and my work needs to matter. What I do and who I do it for has to mean something and I finally realized that I’ve been faking myself out for a long time. Thinking that my work as a retail store leader mattered – nope. If I did, then I wouldn’t have been asked to work like I had been working for so long. I wouldn’t have made decisions for those companies or businesses that super-ceded my own needs and those of my family. Quick example: as a retail business leader a big aspect is scheduling and you are asked and I have also taught this – to “schedule to the needs of the business”. And I realized that made no sense to me and reinforced my mindset – I can’t support my family when I am being asked and directed to put the business first! My realization was now being solidified and I was beginning to build a plan that should have been worked on many years ago. If my family comes first… then they need to see that and be a part of that… and I need to prove it. It’s one thing to “want” to do it but to actually take the necessary steps to make it happen, well, that can be a new challenge. But I did it. We did it. I stepped away from the over-worked way of life and found a new role much closer to home. Money matters and paying bills matters and there are challenges every day with that but that first change was a tremendous relief.

After THAT realization happened and kick started several changes I also took time to build on my own WHY. I know more about where I want to go professionally/career/business ownership and making these changes really helped me get to that mindset. When some more of these pieces fell into place I stopped for a bit. Coming to the end of ’21 I was feeling a bit overwhelmed again. A bit foggy in direction and even sad. I’m still missing something. I’m stressed inside. Then it hit again a few days ago. I made changes and thought through things for me in hopes that I can have better clarity and peace so to then help my family even more and be more present for them. Well, I haven’t taken that time I’ve recently acquired… to actually be present with them. It hit around Christmas. It was quiet this year, we were all tired from school, work and life. We didn’t do much. I was OK with it at the time but that quiet time, again, allowed me to think more about the missing elements. I spent a lifetime wishing that I could do so many things with my kids. That I could teach them to hunt, fish, play a sport or sport, or build something or whatever. And, a new realization came about… I’ve never done most of that. I haven’t pulled my daughters out of their rooms and said “We’re going for a hike – lets go” or “Hey, lets get some fishing rods and go down to the lake” or “Hey, lets go play tennis today”. I haven’t taught them to check their oil in their car, to change a tire or cut the grass. It just hasn’t happened…

Here is where I am at with this all… I realized I missed a lot of chances for a lot years to do a lot of things with my family and those that matter the most to me. The recent changes that we have made were made to better the lives of those around me and myself. I want my kids to have passion and desire and willingness to be more than they think they can be… to be more than I have ever been. Most of all I want them to want that and take the steps to do all of those things well before they realize what they’ve missed. I don’t think I’ll ever teach Shane to shoot a rifle… but I’ve already shown my daughters. I can do more. I want to do more. So this whole thing about “Resolutions” at the beginning of the year can be great if you know what it is you want focus on… and actually stick with it. Resolutions can help certain people make commitments and find success in different places. But realizing resolutions can actually come and go, that may be a drawback. This is why I am choosing to BE “Resolute” – I want to be unwavering in my commitments, I will be purposeful even more than I have been and I will continue to be determined to make this WHO I AM and WHAT I AM and if that mindset now allows me to focus on every aspect I can to make the most of the opportunities we make… that is what I am choosing. I will be RESOLUTE. How are you going to go forward?