If the titles of these posts get any longer I won’t even need to finish the blog post as it’ll all be right there!

I’m back, good to be here but with so much on my mind to share and write about. SO many things have happened and are happening to write about. But I wanted to write something here that I don’t think I’m as comfortable writing directly on my social media accounts. Call it fear of reprisal or something like that. But I really am not looking to write something to then be twisted and contorted to meet someone else’s view point. What I want to say has been building up for a while. If you know me you know that I have come to select more words necessary to get a point across. Some people find it boring redundant and long-winded. Some find it informing and though-provoking. I’ve come to find it being BOTH! What I’m about to discuss does not in any way express the views and understanding of others nor does it represent any political affiliation or direction. Much of what I am about to write WILL seem that way but that is due to the content and not anything else.

Of the many different topics affecting our lives these days (mine, yours and everyone around us) are both the virus and the political divide. Yes, the hot topic of the last year and a half has been mostly about a virus that is kicking ass around the world in one form or another. I will not get into many specifics of what has led us to this point – I am not a Doctor, Virologist, Epidemiologist, Scientist or any other entity that should have more knowledge of this subject and be able to accurately and effectively speak to the TRUTH of viruses, diseases and such. We are at a point that vaccines have arrived and have been implemented. Vaccines that were created and ready to go in LESS THAN A YEAR that were said to end the pandemic and get us all back to normal. And, as much as there is truth to this… there is also a great deal of concern. And for every positive aspect of a vaccine – there are challenges and concerns. The BIGGEST concern is how vaccines are being FORCED onto (well, into actually) people all over the world. How can anyone see that this is OK? It has been acknowledged that any vaccine is not 100% effective and it never will be. Does it help – yes. And it can help a lot of people. But FORCING people to take it is wrong. Speaking for myself here – I find it absolutely appalling that anyone in this world – especially our wonderful United States of America – can believe that this is what will “end the pandemic”. For every word of research showing how “effective and safe” vaccines are, there is just as much research to counter it. The safety and efficacy has been challenged even more in recent months with the robust number of “breakthrough” infections as well as the many side effects that have also hurt people. But not many people want to believe it and it’s being called “mis-information” or “false claims”. When, in fact, there is just as much TRUTH to the challenges about the safety of any vaccine along with its efficacy but no one seems to believe it. And this is because social and mainstream medias DO NOT want you to know and will continue to push the envelope here. Why is that? DO NOT tell me all of this is for the greater good of everyone! DO NOT try to comment that vaccines are proven safe and have met all the safety standards needed! Because NO… none of it is 100% true for everyone. And we have been all completely manipulated into thinking this way. We have ALL been force-fed crap and one-sided information for so long that it’s become second nature to not believe anything that may present other facts. And YES, there are many other truths and facts out there that are not being represented.

We are seeing “mandates” being implemented from our government level all the way down to our schools and local and small business sectors. Why? Again, FORCING people to take something is not working. The proof is there as we are seeing tens of thousands of workers leave their jobs in order to take a stand against this. The actual “mandates” that were mentioned by the President aren’t even in effect and they don’t seem to be able to get the momentum to have this written (via OSHA) in the near future. How can these businesses and government bodies truly believe this is helping. The “science” here is going to show you both sides of this debate which is all the more reason that vaccinations need to be a CHOICE for each person and their loved ones closest to them. It is NOT for any organization to decide who can or cannot get a jab. All three vaccines are still under EUA (Emergency Use Authorization). NONE of them have truly been officially approved to come off that classification as many believe has happened. The Pfizer vaccine was stated to be “approved” by the FDA for full use in July/August of this year. Well, that was actually a different vaccine from a Division of Pfizer called Comirnaty and that vaccine is NOT available or produced for use in the U.S. (see FDA link here https://www.fda.gov/vaccines-blood-biologics/comirnaty). There is more than enough data and science and ethical responses to counter the extreme push to force people to get vaccinated and now even get booster jabs. But those that deliver the messages you read and see the most DO NOT want you to know that. They want compliance. How about accountability on their part? How about mis-leading the citizens of this country and those around the world about safety and efficacy while ignoring even safer treatments for this virus. Now, speaking of treatments – lets jump real quick into this realm, shall we? OK, there is a medicine out there that is proven to be effective at destroying this virus in a little as 1-2 days of use. It also happens to be used for animals – which happens with several medications these days. Ivermectin has been chastised by the main stream media and vaccine proponents… yet it works! Why is that? Why won’t your mainstream doctors and media outlets release what has already been documented all over the world – that Ivermectin works! It does. Why is that? But wait, there’s more. Not only do they NOT want anyone to take that drug and brand it bad and not proven and not recommended… but there is now a “new” drug which is also an anti-viral drug that has been submitted to the FDA for emergency use? Hmmm… really? Ivermectin, an anti viral drug, is not approved and not “allowed” to be discussed but here we are seeing a “new” drug submitted by Merck that, in essence, does the same thing – it can destroy Covid 19 and the ability it has to replicate. Some would say that is a “game changer” right? Others, like myself and millions of other free-thinkers, see the same thing in Ivermectin which is already approved by the FDA, is VERY safe and has been proven for years and years.

You’ve now been inundated with a perspective that may not be yours. You may be absolutely pissed off that I would write such a post and publish it. But that’s just it… we can all have a perspective and not all will ever be the same. I’m not trying to get others on board with the same thinking. You can still believe what you want. I just hope that people will realize that FORCING jabs into someone of a product that is NOT PROVEN… can (and has been) deadly. It must be a choice. Period. Think it through. At least have an open mind to review other data, opinions and facts about all of this. Sure, there is more to all of this that we don’t need to get into here and that is a conversation for another time. Just know that our country is being ripped a part because of forcing people to take a jab and IT IS WRONG. You should have the ability to decide for yourself if a vaccine is right for you and that is up to you. Get it if you want to or need to. But don’t ever feel that you “have” to for any other outside reason like coercion, pressure, fear and manipulation.

Next up in the blog series in one of the most challenging topics to write about yet one of the most important from a personal perspective. This post isn’t for everyone. Some will read it and come back to me, yet again, with comments and feedback of; “Pandering for sympathy?” or “Pity Party much?” or some other form of brush off. Regardless, this is a HUGE topic for our family, for Shane and for every other family of a person on the Autism Spectrum.

When a person is diagnosed with Autism at any age there are so many questions… with few answers right away. It takes some time for things to play out before some answers come. An Autism diagnosis at a very young age can be disheartening for individuals and families at first but there also comes some reassurance as the resources to help are more prevalent and available at a young age. This trend typically continues through adolescence. I’ll agree that this is not the case everywhere in the US or around the world. In fact, having such varying degrees of Autism support and services from State to State in the US is tremendously disappointing. We are lucky to have been in two states so far that have offered tremendous services for the Autism Community – Delaware and Minnesota. In each of these states we have seen, and been a part of, the communities and witnessed first hand some of the amazing efforts that go into treating and supporting those with Autism and their families. Again, we have been lucky.

However, as most individuals and families in the Autism Community know, there is a “softening” of services and supports as the Autistic person ages through adolescence into adulthood. And, depending on services and supports needed for each person – those same opportunities could become less and less available. An example is how a “higher functioning” person on the Spectrum may be able to communicate effectively, take direction and even handle self care initiatives. Then that person can be supported in the community into adulthood and beyond with services in work programs, certain group homes or assisted living opportunities and, in some cases they can fully be on their own. There are some fantastic results from early intervention and therapies that lead to successes like these. But there are also results that set individuals and families farther back. There are those that are not on track for the same success stories. These individuals and families are dealing with more pronounced challenges with behavior, life skills, communication, self help and much more. These individuals, for the lack of a better term at the moment are characterized as potentially “lower functioning” and require much more of a hands-on support system whenever possible and usually it comes from the immediate family. When these individuals reach adulthood (18+) the support resources drastically shrink in availability. And, if they are lucky to be in programs where they can participate through the age of 21, that is wonderful. But then what happens? Where do they go? What do they do after that? Short answer – there is no set place or program that is offered. Long answer – there NEEDS to be programs and supports for this more specific group of Autistic individuals.

My point here is that there has been a tremendous effort in formulating plans and programs and resources for those persons with the abilities, behaviors and attributes that encourage self help and sustainability. Here is where we see certain individuals taking on part time jobs, further their education, attending day programs, living in groups homes or even on their own. There is typically a support systems put in place for them through social workers, advocates and guardians who can help guide them as needed. Where there is an obvious lack of effort has been in providing support and programming on the same level – but for those that are more challenged. For those that cannot communicate, or have behavioral challenges, or require more hands on help with life skills like feeding, bathing, dressing, grooming and more. These are the ones that cannot be placed into a group home because of the behaviors and possible aggressions. They can’t attend day programs because they still need primary care and assistance with basic functions. Where do they go and what do they do? Families that are not able to find the next path are finding themselves in desperate situations. Some parents are aging to the point that they cannot handle the individual or the specific needs that are required. Some cannot afford the additional personnel needed to help the individual be more successful. What I hear about and read about these families is they’re stuck. And we know exactly where they are coming from and what they are saying. We can feel the emotional stress in their stories. We can picture the exact same scenarios they talk about because we go through them every day as well. It does not “get easier” for these families and, in fact, for most of the families like ours it gets much harder.

To bring more light into a potential blog of darkness here, I’d like talk of potential hope and a vision of what COULD be. Brooke and I have talked for years about these situations. And we have talked and talked and talked for years about what we envision as a way to help families (ours included) through these times. We are at this point with Shane right now and we, like others I’ve talked about above, are unsure of what to do next for Shane. Our “Powerball Dream”, if you will, is seeing a community/neighborhood built that would be for those primarily on the Autism Spectrum. OK, I know, your first thought is probably: “You want to put all Autistic people in one place? That’s not really fair!” and, NO, that is not it. We can envision a community that is built to support those with the specific characteristics that prevent them from living and thriving on their own. This is a way to allow some sort of independence and allow them to be in an environment that is for them. But it would take stress off the family – parents, guardians, siblings, etc. Picture a college campus with dorms and classrooms buildings and recreation areas and people coming and going. But all these people are being supported and cared for one-on-one (as much as possible) in every aspect of their day and their lives. It is their home, their school, and their community to be in. Other people would live, work and be a part of this community but it is built with the goal of supporting the Autism community and the ever changing diverse needs they all have. We are not at all professionals trained in Autism research and medical directives but we are trained parents who have seen and lived the realities of the challenges faced. And there are ways to improve lives and help others thrive! It’s already built and it is already successful… in our minds. We now have to make it a reality.

I don’t really feel it is fair that I am writing a blog post… almost TWO YEARS since my last one.  Yes, that is correct.  I last put up a blog post in January of 2019 not long after we made the infamous return to the tundra after our brief stint in Florida.  Not that I am going to get into the details of the last 2 years (especially this last year alone) because many already know the ups and downs that have happened.  I’m sure I’ll touch on some of those points as I write along here.  With so much happening in our own family world and around us I’ve forced myself to “think” even more than ever and many of my thoughts I’ve captured in notes on my phone or in memories or in conversations that keep happening.  I realized recently that many of these thoughts and contemplations are consistent and they return to occupy my gray matter consistently enough… so I knew I had to do something with them.  Without further ado… I give you the latest “I’ve Been Thinking…” blog post!

If you are honest with yourself and those closest to you, there will come a point in your life or career when you take a pause (for however long it takes) to reflect on certain moments, circumstances, situations and even hopeful outcomes.  This has happened to me often at various times in my personal life and in my professional career.  I have also connected with others that have been through similar periods in their lives as well.  What I have found interesting is that I am aware of more and more “Rally Points” in my life.

You see, the course of your life will take turns that will completely alter your perception of what you are doing and why you are here.  These are moments that there is no big explanation of, that’s for sure.  Many people spend a lot of time trying to figure them out and while they think about and dwell on what happened before (in the past) they miss what is happening right now and may miss opportunities to impact their future and the future of others as well.  As we get older most of us tend to think more and maybe react less.  This allows us to get the full picture and become more knowledgable in different areas.  I’m a critical thinker (to a fault) and I can be overly cynical as well.  This keeps me on my toes, I feel, and it keeps me “thinking” a lot.  Then there comes a time, or even times, that we change our direction and our thoughts and our perspectives.  Maybe not outwardly at first but maybe just enough that we find a “Rally Point”.  A point in our lives, in our day/week/month/year of living that we get a boost, we uncover something within us.  Or better yet, someone else has helped us find that “Rally Point”.

TWENTY TWENTY.  Yes, I am referring to the year we are all anxiously waiting to end.  2020.  The year everyone had bigger expectations for.  We’ve seen a lot this year.  Despite all the troubles this year brought for so many people around the world – it brought joy.  It brought happiness.  It brought… a “Rally Point”.  We have ALL been forced to find a Rally Point (or several this year).  You and I know there is only so much negativity you can read about, or watch, or even converse about.  There has to be more.  And there IS… so many of us have found it several times.  One example is here in our house:  Many know it’s not easy with Shane and the behaviors he exhibits daily force us to walk on egg shells.  When schools closed in March of this year, Shane’s world crashed down around him.  Immediately he lost any routine he was into.  Stores were limited in capacity and we were all initially fearful to go anywhere.  We stayed home.  Everyone did.  Shane suffered.  There was no way around it.  Long story short – a Rally Point finally arrived when Shane was given the opportunity to return to school almost 6 months later for two days per week.  It was a start and we saw a “Rally Point” for Shane.  After more bumps in schools days and stalls due to more shut downs and more closures Shane was again given the chance to return to school 1 day per week.  It hasn’t been normal and his time in school is not enough but it was SOMETHING.  And this something… was a “Rally Point”.  Another example close to home here is from this summer when Ryan moved out of the house began living on her own.  We knew it was coming, we helped her prepare as best we could.  We helped her pack her stuff and helped her move it.  And she was ready.  It was time for her to be on her own and start living her best life outside of the chaotic walls of our home.  This was a great “Rally Point” for Ryan as she was able to adjust to her new life and focus on different things.  We are proud of her as she continues to rally!

You may or may not get the point of this writing and it is very out-of-the-blue.  But believe me… there are “Rally Points” for everyone.  They can be small – like getting a cup of coffee in the morning after a sleepless night – BOOM, “Rally Point”.  It can be a phone call or text from a friend or family member that puts that smile back on your face – BOOM, “Rally Point”.  Rally points can be bigger – like when you are in a random conversation with your wife and in that conversation you decide you are going to start a new cookie business – BOOM, “Rally Point”.  So, for my first blog post in nearly 2 years, I’d like to consider this moment another “Rally Point” for me.  Like I said before – I have a lot of “thinking” to get into words here.  I believe some of these thoughts and words might be helpful to some but more importantly… a time waster when you are on the toilet!  See… “Rally Point”!

For many years now I have kept this writing with me.  I’ve shared with few and re-read it often.  I’ve cried often while reading it and it’s not meant for that.  This has always been a way for me to express the circumstances around a period in our lives that forever changed the way we think and act.  And more importantly it continues to make me challenge the very reasons we get to be here every day.   I’ve added to story here and there and corrected what I thought I could or should but mostly I have kept this the raw, in the moment writings of a very difficult time for our family.  I’m proud to have this ready to be out there for others to read.  For those that were a part of any and all of this story – this if for you… all of you that helped this story be told.  Thank you and I love you all!

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From this one spot in this room, I have a great view in several directions.  Directly in front of me is the most amazing woman in the world – my wife, Brooke.  Just to my left out the window is a view to the west and off in the horizon are the Carlson Towers in Minnetonka.  Everyone in the area knows these towers as they are a great landmark on the west side of the Twin Cities.  Then to my right is another view that I won’t soon forget about.  It’s the nurse’s station for the 6^th Floor Neuro Intensive Care Unit at North Memorial Hospital.  We are here for reasons that just cannot be fathomed at this moment.  Two days ago, I think it was Sunday, a lot changed in the world.

Sunday really started no different than any other day in our house.  Two of our kids were already up by 7am.  I finally got up a little before 8.  Sundays are usually a day we can sleep in, but I still had to work later that morning.  At about 8:15 I heard Brooke get up.  I was upstairs just putzing around.  Brooke used the bathroom (I remember the flush) and then a few moments or so later I heard a crash downstairs.  Startled, I went right down and I found Brooke on the floor outside the bathroom struggling to get up.  If there was anytime in my life that I should have had a heart attack, that would have been the time.  I rushed to her to help her sit up.  I kept asking her “What happened?”, “Are you OK?”… but she didn’t answer…  She couldn’t answer.

Brooke continued to struggle to move and sit up.  She kept falling to the side.  I finally got her steady and sitting upright against the wall.  She couldn’t talk.  She was incoherent in response but still looked at me as if she was trying to tell me something – with her eyes, like she was on a massive dose of a high-powered narcotic.  I yelled for Delaney to bring me my phone from upstairs.  In my mind I knew what was going on, but I decided to make a call to our go-to person – Brooke’s sister, Anne.  She answered the phone and I remember saying “Brooke fell and I think she’s having a stroke.  She can’t talk and can’t move”.  So that scared the shit out of Anne pretty quick too!  I ended the call with Anne and immediately called 911.  By now only a couple minutes had passed.  Delaney went to wake up Ryan, our oldest daughter.  Shane, our son, was still hanging out watching his videos in the playroom.  When Ryan was up, I asked the girls to call the neighbors to let them know what’s going on and that I had called for an ambulance for Mom.  Within a minute, our neighbor Tammy was by Brooke’s side helping to keep her propped up and keep her conscious.  I had to get some clothes on.  A Medina Police Officer arrived within 4 minutes of the call and Long Lake Frist Responders and volunteers were moments after him.  They started to check her vitals.  However, as soon as the ambulance and paramedics arrived, it was decided to just “scoop and go”.  Within minutes she was loaded and stabilized in the ambulance and gone.  I wasn’t far behind though.  I remember the Medina Police Officer at the house telling me not to try to keep up with the ambulance and I said to myself, “Whatever”.  Our neighbors, who are also some of our closest friends, had a grasp of the situation and were immediately ready for any task needed as soon as I drove away. And attempted to keep up… I lost the ambulance within just a few miles.  For one, my little commuter car does not have the power to keep up with it and two, I couldn’t get through the lights like they could.  But I went along as fast as I could go to get to the hospital.  I made one call to my boss to tell her I wouldn’t be at work that day and that the rest of the team would be OK.  I pulled up to the ER drive and the “VOLUNTEER VALET ATTENDANT” met me at the door and told me I had to park in the parking ramp on the OTHER END OF THE HOSPITAL!  I said “My wife was just brought here in THAT ambulance over there” (pointing to the same ambulance that brought Brooke in only minutes ago).  His old crotchety reply was “well, you’ll have to park in the ramp”.  “So what is the valet for?” I asked as I hopped in the car and screeched away.

I finally made it back to freakin’ ER where security had to get me a “tag” to go in.  I was met by a volunteer Chaplain named “Vance”.  He’s a man with a calm demeanor and he was very attentive to the situation already.  He was right there when Brooke was brought in.  He took me back to the area where she was in the ER and all I remember is thinking – “damn, this is right where she was about 3 years ago when we came in for her pneumonia”.  Then I was let in to see her.  She was on the cart, ready to go for her first CT scan.  On oxygen, on monitors and covered up, she saw me and cried.  Unable to say anything.  Within moments, she was whisked away for her CT.  I kissed her and promised her we were going to get her checked out and fixed up in no time.  The ER Doc, Dr. Vogt, had me walk with them to the room for the scan and she filled me in on the plan at that moment.  She knew what it was, but the scan was needed to find it.

Vance stayed with me in a little corner area down the hall from where the scan was done.  He said a short prayer and we talked briefly.  I let him know to be on the lookout for my brother in-law, John, who would be speeding in from the airport any moment.  You see, John was on a plane headed out of town for business when he got the call from Anne as to what had happened.  And like always, without hesitation back then, John was on his way to assess the situation and be the rock that he was assumed to be.  Then within just a few minutes (and for once, it did feel pretty fast), Dr. Vogt returned to confirm she was having a stroke on the left side of her brain.  She had already called a team together to get them ready for the next steps.  She left again and returned with Dr. Peterson, a Neurologist in the ER that day.  They explained that where the clot was and what the plan was to remove it.  Less than an hour had passed since she fell at home so we were well within the time needed to administer the appropriate measures to take care of the stroke.  First, tPA was going to be administered which would “bust the clot” in her brain.  This is done by thinning the blood and working to break up the clot.  Thus a reason they call it a “Clot Busting Medicine”.  In addition, due to the SIZE of the clot, they want to go in and suck the clot out as they aren’t sure the tPA would break it up enough or fast enough.  Dr. Peterson and Dr. Vogt left me as they called the rest of the Intervention Neurology team together to discuss the situation quickly.

Vance had walked with me back to the ER waiting area where we met John just as he was coming in.  I filled him in as best I could, Vance took over when needed and we were brought back to another quiet corner to wait a little longer.  Quickly enough, Dr. Peterson and Dr. Niesen, an Intervention Neuro Surgeon, came out to review the next steps again and sign THAT FORM which no one wants to see – and let alone it’s one that no one usually takes the time to read at a time like this.  It was explained that the clot was rather large and needed to be addressed immediately.  Dr. Niesen’s team just happened to have already been assembled for another procedure scheduled that morning.  So we excused ourselves and cut ahead of them to get Brooke taken care of.  They both explained the procedure – what it entailed and what the pros and cons were.  There weren’t many questions asked because it just HAD to be done and done NOW.

John and I waited again but for only a few minutes.  Vance led us both back to see Brooke where she was prepped for the procedure.  Tears were shed by all and the team gave us time to be together.  This surreal feeling began to settle in.  Confusing thoughts came and went.  And then she was off again for what we felt was her best chance to take care of the stroke.  Vance took us to yet another waiting area, which, on a Sunday, is empty at 9:40am.  John hopped on the phone and started charting plans for Shirley and Babo, Brooke’s parents, to get here from Florida.  This was a good distraction because the airlines were just a pain in the ass that morning.  I made a couple of calls, John made a few more and then Anne arrived.  Three heads are now better than two and much better than just one.  We waited a while longer and then Dr. Niessen arrived with arms raised and two thumbs up!  They got to the clot and removed it.  Blood flow was restored, and Brooke was awake!  Commence the waterworks for us all.

Dr. Niessen led us to see Brooke and she was right, Brooke was awake and alert.  A round of applause for everyone – especially Brooke.  Hugs and kisses went around – especially for Brooke.  I had a brief moment with her when she was able to tell me that she remembered everything up to that point.  And she reminded me she spilled her soda on the floor and that it needed to be cleaned up.  I re-assured her it would be taken care of.  Dr. Niessen showed us the CT scans of before and after the procedure and we all saw the lack of blood flow in left side of Brooke’s brain before and regular blood flow after!  This was so encouraging.  Brooke was soon unhooked from various machines and we returned the the ER recovery area we had left about an hour before.  Plans were made to get her ready to go up to the ICU.  Anne, John and I were able to spend time with her as the docs and nurses visited with her and kept testing her abilities.  About 20 minutes after coming back from the procedure, Brooke started to complain of a headache – which for all of us seemed “normal” under the circumstances.  But that was the first indication of what would start the most unbearable part of this experience.

Docs and nurses continued to poke, prod and check on Brooke.  But she continued to become more quiet and moaned that her head hurt.  Dr. Vogt called for another CT scan before they moved her up to the ICU.  She wanted to rule out additional bleeding or another issue before moving up.  It’s best to go to ICU and focus on recovery.  Of course, we were all thinking this was a formality.  Anne and John were given the room number for the ICU and were heading up.  I went with the team to follow after the CT.  I sat down, once again, at the small area where Vance and I had settled at earlier.  My heart fluttered a lot, thoughts came and went and I remember the nurse at the desk across from me ask “they got the clot, right?”.  I replied “yes, but now they want to check her again before going up to ICU”.  And I swear it wasn’t a minute later that Dr. Vogt returned, sat down next to me immediately, held my hand and told me Brooke was bleeding in her brain.

Commence the chaotic end to my world as I knew it at that moment.  Dr. Vogt began explaining the situation and how we got to this point.  The tPA went in to bust up the clot, the docs went in and pulled the clot out.  Once the clot was out the blood rushed to the area it needed to go to and continued to bleed through.  It happened fast mostly due to the fact that Brooke’s brain needed blood in that area and the tPA thins the blood so much.  “We can’t stop the bleeding” Dr. Vogt said.  There wasn’t a solution at that moment.  “Wait, what are you telling me?” I asked her.  “I’m sorry…” is all she could get out.  I shook – my head, my hands and my heart – all shook.. I grabbed my phone immediately and turned away from Dr. Vogt, but never left her, I called Anne who was up in ICU waiting and told them to get back down right away.  I dropped the phone on the table and cried.  I cried a lot.  That was it.  To me, Dr. Vogt was pretty much telling me Brooke may not have long.  Anne and John arrived moments later.  I rushed to them both “It’s not good.  She’s bleeding in her brain” I cried.  We sat back down next to Dr. Vogt and she explained things to Anne and John.  We all cried.

I remember looking up at one point and at that moment seeing two good friends of ours, Brian and Mary, come in the automatic doors.  They just happened to come in as Anne and John were coming down from the ICU.  I looked at them both, shook my head and cried more.  Eventually the crying subsided for just a brief moment.  We had to act, decisions had to be made and quickly and phone calls made.  It was decided to get the kids to the hospital to see Brooke if possible, or at least be closer.  I later found out Brian made the call to our neighbors, Gary and Tammy, who gathered them up and tore down the road for the hospital.  But remind me to re-visit a funny story about this part of the morning!

Dr. Vogt wiped her own tears as we did ours, and left us to confer with the other docs on what to do.  Anne, John, Mary, Brian and I were led to Room #3 in the ER, I think they also call it “Cart 3”.  I went in to see her, she was quiet, peaceful but hooked up to some serious technology.  Dr. Vogt returned as did Dr. Peterson, the Neurologist.  He had a perplexed look on his face and kept shaking his head.  “This is one of those times when you have no idea what to say, no idea what happened.  Given her age, her health, we went with the best possible options to help her get through this successfully and give her the best chances.  And I believe we would all choose to do the same thing every time”.  At the time, I had no idea what to think of this guy and frankly, I was a little pissed as I thought he was feeling sorry for himself not fixing Brooke.  There was talk about the next steps only, honestly, I don’t remember the conversations as much as just looking at Brooke.  The plan was to start a medicine in her that is supposed to draw blood out of the brain – it’s just called “3%” and it’s a solution (so to speak) made of 3% sodium chloride… because the blood will follow the “salt” away from the brain and hopefully stop it.  There wasn’t an option to do surgery at the moment.  Her body was now set up for a major fight… Brooke’s body had to stop the bleeding in her brain and not let the brain swell up.  If both of those continued, the odds of survival would be even less.

We had various other conversations with other nurses and docs while Brooke was getting ready for the medicine.  The best location to get the medicine into Brooke was through her neck.  After a few more minutes as I was sitting with Brooke, Dr. Vogt began to get ready to start the IV in her neck.  It was a much more dramatic procedure than just plucking a needle in your arm and get an IV in place – this had much more involvement.  And just then, I heard new voices outside the room and a little whine from our son, Shane, who appeared to not want to be there either.  So just as Dr. Vogt was prepping Brooke, and myself, for the IV placement, I jumped up and ran out to see the kids.  Everyone had arrived at that point it seemed.  Our neighbors – Gary and Tammy brought our three kids Ryan, Shane and Delaney.  Another neighbor, Ann, came as well.  It was a tough time right then.  Shane really wanted nothing to do with being there – of course, that is more to do with the fact that he is Autistic and unsure of the situation.  But having to calm my girls down with the help of everyone was still tough.  I sat with them in a tiny waiting room around the corner from where Brooke was in the ER.  *****

Another concern began building with Brooke’s breathing.  It had become harder for her to breathe deeply enough – probably due to her body working so hard on fixing the brain bleed.  Dr. Vogt, again wanting to give Brooke even more of a chance to survive and live, decided a breathing tube was needed to go in.  By doing this, the breathing machine would do the breathing for her while her body did not have to work so hard to breath and take care of the brain and bleeding.  So now, after about 15 minutes, Brooke had a new hole in her neck with medicine ready to go in it and she had a tube down her throat pumping air into and ensure a clean pathway in both directions.  I saw her shortly after the tube went in and it was overwhelming.  To imagine her going through all this was tough to handle.  She was stable for the moment and time was slowing down to a near complete stop.  A nurse who had been with Brooke all along and just another name and face I will never forget, was Judy, and I finally turned to her and asked straight up – “Is she even going to make it upstairs?”.  I think now why I even asked it, but with the look of concern on everyone else’s faces, the urgency that everything was done with, I couldn’t help but ask.  I needed to know and Judy was a rock for everyone the whole time.  But I just needed to know, I’m sure we all needed to know.  Judy turned, looked right at me and with tears in her eyes as well, said “Yes, she will get upstairs and they will take good care of her”.  It was now a waiting game – a game that only Brooke could win because she held all the winning pieces at this point.  Brooke was now stable to move upstairs to the ICU.  It would be at least 20 minutes to get her moved and set up in her new room that would house yet even more technology and highly skilled professionals.  She was still with us…

While the last preparations were made to get Brooke moved up.  Dr. Vogt came out to talk with all of us about Brooke’s status and the plan ahead.  This conversation actually happened in the hallway outside the small waiting room where the girls were trying to stay calm.  And by now, Shane got some Ritz crackers and was listening to Irish music on my phone and he was doing OK.  Dr. Vogt recapped everything and set up the next steps and she did it very thoroughly and kept the medical terms as simple as possible for us simple folk.  Soon after, it was decided to have the kids go back home with Tammy, Gary and Ann.  All three were OK with doing that as it got them away from the uncertain of the hospital.  We all hugged and kissed and everyone was gone.  Brian and Mary stayed with me as did Anne and John.  Once Brooke got on the move upstairs, Dr. Vogt came back yet again to let us know she was on her way up.  It seemed that now, we could ask questions and get a better “lay of the land” so to speak with the situation.  Dr. Vogt was very accommodating.  After all, she was riding the roller coaster with us too.

I’m not sure how many people have been in an ICU before.  Some have been more than they would like and other maybe not at all.  But this was the first time I’ve been in an ICU.  For the most part, it doesn’t look much different than other floors of a hospital.  But when entering, you just feel a different level of focus, of professionalism or whatever it may be.  Brooke was in Room 669 in the far left corner from the entrance.  We arrived about 20 minutes after her so she was fairly settled in but the nurses were still setting the groundwork for their tasks.  New vitals were recorded, new IV’s started for meds, the breathing machine was pumping away, and Brooke was “sleeping”.  Of course she was sleeping, all the noise in there actually became pretty hypnotic in a way.  Grace was Brooke’s first nurse that afternoon and night.  She, like so many others we would meet, really knew her shit.  We all exchanged pleasantries, she set some ground rules about the ICU – small short visits, quiet, visiting shut down, etc.  And now, we wait.  It will be a while – from what the Dr.’s say – until any measurable results come.  But it’s up to Brooke to decide how things will turn out.  The wait continues.

By the evening, Brooke’s parents arrived from the airport after a chaotic and hectic travel plan from Florida.  They spent time visiting with Brooke in her room and we went over the latest updates.  Brooke was quiet, her machines pumping away.  Tears were shed and jokes were heard as well.  It’s always been important for all of us to keep a sense of humor in even the hardest of times.  Anne and John had been with us all day.  Some more friends came from the ‘hood to bring food, see Brooke, pray and just be together – this was important for all of us I think.  Ryan, our oldest daughter, had come back as well to see her Mom.  This was good for her to see her and be with her, but hard to see her in the shape she was in with the breathing machine and all the other tubes and IV’s sprawled across Brooke’s bed.  It wasn’t long before Brooke’s brother, Sam, arrived.  And it was a great sight to see as he walked through the door.  For various reasons, he and Brooke had not been that close over the years prior but I knew there was a ton of love inside that guy for him to fly out from Connecticut right away upon hearing his sister was not doing well.  But this was one of HIS sisters and he hopped on a plane early from CT to get here to be with everyone.

I did not go in the room with Sam to see Brooke – Babo, their Dad, went in with Sam to see her.  But Brooke woke up… looked up and saw him… and cried!  Her brother had come to see her!  This was a little more difficult than expected for everyone.  Emotions ran high, tears were shed (of course) and Brooke’s vitals were jumping up.  So Grace, Brooke’s nurse, asked them to leave so she could calm down and relax.  Everyone hoped this was a good sign of things to come.  The rest of the night was more waiting and, honestly, nothing changed.  I spent some time with Grace going through Brooke’s admit information to get her in the system.  There was no time to do this earlier in the day.  Once that was complete, we all made our way to out of the hospital for the night.  One by one, we all said goodnight to Brooke and we left.  Tomorrow was a day of more fighting for her!

Ryan and I went home last and we settled in with Babo, Shirley, Sam, John and Anne for a little while.  Soon after they left, Ryan and I plunked down in the living room and tried to fall asleep where we were.  I told Ryan that I was going to leave very early to get in to see Mom as soon as I could and see the Docs and nurses after their rounds.  Neither one of us slept well, if at all.  Maybe we dozed a bit but that was enough I guess.  By daylight, I was up and ready to leave.  I distinctly remember having a one-on-one conversation with God on the way to the hospital that morning.  I remember getting angry at him for putting Brooke in this situation and I told him that he was selfish for trying to take her away from us when she has so much more to offer the world here – now.  I told him to not take her from us and I pleaded with him that it would be selfish on his part to take her away from us here on Earth.  Brooke was here to do more and she was going to be here to do more for any and everyone… she just needed to be here… all of this conversations happened while driving back to the hospital.  I’m sure it’s hard to imagine me having this type of conversation with God, and especially me taking that type of tone.  But I was scared and mad and full of every other emotion at that time and I vented to him and I pleaded with him at that time.

After arriving back at the hospital and parking I rushed in to the ICU where Brooke was.  Visiting hours were about to open when I arrived.  Dr. Peterson just happened to be at the front desk when I arrived and he saw me and came to the window… “Her scans look better this morning.  The bleeding seems to have stopped and receded a bit and there is little swelling right now.  She’s not out of the woods but she is doing better!”.  My shoulders sunk, my knees weakened, and I teared up.  Dr. Peterson said, “She’s definitely fighting.  You can see her soon”.  I was elated.  The night had gone OK for Brooke and the “3%” was working as hoped and her team was caring for her as she kept fighting.

It was several more weeks that Brooke spent at North Memorial recovering from a such debilitating a stroke.  The severity of what she went through should have left her with a substantial deficiency in many areas – brain function, gross motor skills, cognitive function, speech, etc.  It was all clear that she would struggle for some time ahead.  But that wasn’t Brooke.  She wasn’t about to let this phase her and deter her from being a part of her family again.  She was put here for a reason – and that reason had to be uncovered.  Brooke fought through therapy sessions – walking, talking, eating and even breathing had to be tended to again.  It took nearly 7 weeks in all at North Memorial.  It took Brooke telling me, and everyone else, that she needed time alone to fight through her days of therapy and recovery to make it.  It was tough, every single day.  Every single step was a challenge.  We were all there for her each day and each moment whether physically or in spirit.  We celebrated her successes – 1 step, 3 steps – eating with a fork – folding laundry – hopping over sticks – walking to the balloons – etc.  All of it.  This is what Brooke needed to do to be healthy, to be successful and be ready to come home again.  Not “long after”, we met with all of Brooke’s team to assess her potential departure from North Memorial.  It was time for her to go home.  She had to recover more but it had to be at home and with her family.  We needed her as much as she needed us at this point.  She had come home for a night – ironically over Mother’s Day weekend.  What a sweet time this was to see her with family and friends and interacting almost like she had not long before.  It was time.  She had to come home.  Brooke worked hard every single day in therapy and it would be a while longer too…  but she was working for it.

Doctors caring for Brooke could only surmise that Brooke’s stroke was due to a windfall of circumstances that all came together that fateful Sunday morning.  Previously that winter, Brooke was diagnosed with Breast Cancer.  After her subsequent surgery and therapies, Brooke was placed on a drug called Tamoxifen.  This drug is used in Breast Cancer patients for long term treatment.  A clear side effect is that this drug can cause blood clots.  It was discovered in the various testing Brooke had while in the hospital that a blood clot had formed in her right leg and part of it broke off and traveled through her body.  When the clot reached her heart it was able to pass through the heart via a PFO (Patent Foramen Ovale) which is basically and hole in her heart.  The clot then traveled to her brain where it lodged and the stroke happened.  When the ER Docs used TPA to thin the blood to ease the clot removal from her brain, Brooke’s blood rushed back into her brain and burst through the vessels causing the bleeding in the brain and swelling as well.  This windfall of circumstances can be viewed as tragic and unfortunate and, in a way, they are.  But the fact that Brooke received top-notch care well inside of an hour of the stroke onset, made the biggest impact on her getting on the path to recovery (despite even a few more bumps along the way).  Subsequently, Tamoxifen was stopped, the PFO was taken care of with the addition of an Amplatzer Closure Device and all therapies continued for a few months to address cognitive and motor skills.

Our family has never been the same.  But, yet, we are still exactly who we are meant to be.  Brooke’s warm, thoughtful spirit never went away.  Brooke is a caregiver and one that truly looks out for others – especially those close to her.  Do not EVER cross those close to her… it will be something to regret.  For many years now there has been change happening day after day – good and bad.  Many of you see this and read this.  And many of you have seen this first hand and have been with us every step of the way.  So many friends and family have been on this journey, this path with us every step of the way.  Others have not seen the need to join along and that is OK.  Being a part of someone else’s path is not easy.  Sharing in their experiences can be overwhelming and daunting.  I’m not afraid to share, it’s OK, there’s something to be found in every story for everyone – I believe that.

Thank you for being a part of the resurrection of this family.  Thank you for reading along and in more ways than one, you have helped us all move forward and become better for everything.

Yes, that’s right… “MacGyver”.  You know, the 80’s TV Icon (Click here to refresh your memory).  The guy that so many people wanted to be.  The show that everyone watched and talked about – “Did you see him make an airplane out of a pack of gum, some toothpicks and duct tape…?” The same guy that also has had many Meme’s made about him.  But still, when you think about or say “MacGyver” you are going to get some nostalgic response, feeling or memory – no doubt.

So what is it about MacGyver that has me writing on the blog about him and the the show?  Simply put – he’s a problem solver, a thinker.  And the show, even with all the Emmy notable (sarcasm) acting involved, showed that you can never be too down or have too much against you to keep you from trying to succeed.  In the case of “Mac” (as many on the show called him), he was able to stay alive and go home to be ready for the next mission when he was undoubtedly called upon.  This is part of what drew us all to the show and to the character that was created and portrayed by Richard Dean Anderson.

As I have aged and learned what I have so far in my short life, I have become more of a thinker.  Sure, there may be a blog about this somewhere too.  I’ve been able to “MacGyver” myself a career in various places.  I’ve had to “MacGyver” through many situations in my life.  And recently I’ve realized that “MacGyvering” is something we should all look at becoming skilled at.  Seriously.  Have you had to MacGyver your way home when your flights are cancelled 1,000 miles from home?  Have you had to MacGyver your day at work together when nothing went as planned and you sit in front of a daunting task of managing tasks and people and their problems?  Have you MacGyver’d your way through life?  I feel that I have so far… and I am happy to say it’s been great so far!  I can honestly tell people that “I MacGyver’d it”, with whatever situation may have been in front of me.  I have learned to stay calm, think practically, act realistically and (even failing at times) follow through on what I have tried so I can try again.

Yes, “MacGyver” is a way of life for me now.  He’s not just the 80’s TV icon.  He’s not just the guy that put everyone to shame when it came to problem solving.  MacGyver has created a way of life for many people.  For those that want to know everything ahead of time or want to have everything planned out, that’s great.  But you cannot count on everything going your way.  You have to be ready and willing to accept the challenges that come up every day or week, or whenever, that may derail your ultimate plans.  You have to be ready to think through things with patience and a clear perspective.  Know the outcome you want to achieve and work through problems.  Most of all, you have to TRY.  You have to be willing to take the pieces you have in front of you and put them together the best way you can to make your own airplane.  You have to be ready to adapt and change and get out of your comfort zone regularly.  Yes, it may be hard to think about and visualize but go through it.

Learn new skills that could help you in other situations.  You may not always be able to call AAA or a friend or a local towing company to change a tire on the side of the road – learn how to do it yourself.  In fact, practice in your garage or driveway or even go out to the side of the road one day and do it – on purpose.  If you don’t know how to sew a button on – try it.  Get some needle and thread and try it and practice it.  MacGyver learned a lot from watching other people, reading books and TRYING things!

Be curious.  Be safe.  And be ready!  Keep your wits about you.  Stay patient.  Be open to learning.  And, by all means, keep a roll of duct tape and a Swiss Army knife nearby!

Pretty vague title to kick off this blog post, eh?  And it is meant to be that way and hopefully get some people thinking.  After all, I need some help with all the other “Thinkers” here reading along.

Let’s start with “Perception”.  What is it and Why do have a blog post about it?  By definition (Merriam-Webster HERE) it is:

It’s been some time since I’ve posted up here on the blog.  And let me tell you, it’s not for the lack of desire or the lack of content… I have plenty of both.  It’s probably more due to the fact that I have so much to process these days and sort through – what to write about now, how to organize my thoughts, what is really important… these are all things running through my head regularly.

So lets kick this off with an update that all of you have been waiting for.  Many of you already know what is coming in this blog post and others may not.  And while some may feel better and have a true understanding following this post, there are others that really couldn’t care less.  And for those people, I’ll just say you may not want to read anymore here anyway!

December 19th, 2018.  It was just over a week ago that we rolled back into Minnesota with all of our humble belongings in tow… AGAIN!  For those that are REALLY paying attention, you may remember that it was EXACTLY 10 years ago on this same date we arrived in Minnesota the first time after moving from Delaware.  No, we did not set that date on purpose, it just worked out that way.  I “announced” our plans to family and some friends before we left Florida (back in November) when we made the decision to return north and started our planning.  I even put a short post of Facebook about it.  That announcement met mixed reviews from some, raving applause from others and complete silence from some too.  Sure, there is a “WHY” in all of this and I am getting to that.

Not to re-hash our history again but most of you know we moved to Florida to allow Shane to gain entry to the Els Center of Excellence in Jupiter, FL.  The school for Autistic children and teenagers is due to branch out into their Adult Services in the near future.  We were encouraged by what the programming here was set up to do and we moved forward believing this would be a fantastic opportunity for Shane to thrive as an adult.  Until that time he would be in the school as a student continuing to learn and develop any and all skills he could work on.  This was the hope.  This was our goal.  This presented a lot of uncertainty.  This was not going to be easy.  This got prolonged every month.  This was ultimately not going to happen.

We sat in the waiting room at the Dentist office in early November while Shane was having surgery on his mouth (that is worthy of another blog post!) when we received the disheartening email notifying us that the next lottery for Els Center would not be held until May of 2019 and, if selected, Shane would potentially start in August of 2019.  In addition, Shane would be entered into a “work-study” program which we were completely unaware of.  I remember saying out loud “Oh Shit” and tossing my phone on the table.  Brooke looked up and asked “What?  What’s wrong?”.  I told her she should check her email too and she did.  She read the same email but came away with nothing, unable to even say “Oh Shit” at that time.  I think it was more of the shock of the email.  The stunned look on her face said plenty!  Pretty basic in routine and response from the school, but nonetheless it was an email that would direct us to through the next 24-48 hours of uncertainty.  Shane came out of surgery well enough and we headed home to rest and get him settled.  Brooke and I both needed to digest the news from the school and keep an eye on Shane for the rest of the day.

That evening before dinner Brooke and I had a chance to talk together about our current status in Florida and what we were doing and what we needed to do moving forward.  She came right out and asked “Do you want to move back to Minnesota?”.  I took a second, looked over at her and said “Yes.  I don’t think we have a choice”.  We proceeded to review several topics and get ideas formulated of what that means and if it is really possible.  As much as we thought about, planned out, accounted for and worked for the move to Florida; we knew it was going to be even harder to get back to Minnesota.  Ultimately, after we talked through scenario after scenario, we decided to talk to the girls and get their input.  Brooke and I were already under the consensus that we should return at some point.  After dinner that same evening we gathered the girls into our bedroom (the one we’d been sharing with Shane) and had a little chat about the potential move.  Brooke and I could get a sense of relief right away on the faces of Ryan and Delaney.  They had seen and lived through the struggles of the previous 5 months and they were always a part of the conversations we have had up until that point.  But they both smiled right away.  Both of them had big eyes of excitement.  And both of them jumped in with questions “When?”  “Where?” “How?” and many more.  Soon enough we were going to be able to answer those questions but for the moment we were all content to agree that returning to Minnesota was going to be in the best interest of us as a family.

I bet it’s right about now you may be wondering something like “Aren’t there other schools in Florida for Shane?”  “What else could you have done?”  “Did you really have to move back to Minnesota?”.  As these are valid questions in some form of another, I don’t want to attempt to answer every potential question in a blog post (email me or message me, I’ll reply).  Anyway, come to find out when we moved to Florida, there are very limited services for the Autistic community, especially older age groups, in Palm Beach County – let alone even near Jupiter where we lived.  The local Public schools offered “services” but those are not specialized to meet Shane’s needs.  Our hands were tied there.  Brooke was unable to go to work as she had to be home with Shane (since not in school) and do her best to keep her sanity, and Shane’s too, during this time.  Our hands were tied there.  Getting additional support from the State of Florida was not happening and the waitlist for additional services could be years (we eventually found out).  Our hands were tied there.  Living in Palm Beach County, FL is financially challenging as a family of 5 with one income.  Thankfully, as you know, we were graciously given the opportunity to live at Brooke’s parents house.  We only hoped for this to be through the summer but it lasted longer when Shane didn’t get into school and Brooke couldn’t work and we could not afford to find a place of our own in the area.  So we stayed where we were and did our best to live out of each other’s way – all 7 of us in a 3 BR house.  It was tough.  We made it what we could.  We still laughed a lot.  We still had some great meals together.  We still were able to all shower and shave when we needed.  We still survived.

When we looked at the reasons to return to Minnesota the first thing was opportunity for Shane.  He would be able to return to his previous school where he did well.  We know he could go there until he turned 21.  Until that time we know we have to double down on planning a future for Shane outside of District 287 in Minnesota.  With Shane able to attend school in Minnesota eventually, that meant that Brooke would be able to find work again.  With Shane back in Minnesota we know the services and financial supports for his needs were in place and once we re-applied and updated his status (he’s technically an adult now) he would have more supports available to him.  We knew that Delaney would thrive again in school with so many of her closest friends at Orono.  We knew that Ryan could return to BLVD Kitchen and Bar or eventually transfer with Barnes and Noble where she worked in Florida.  And doing what she does so well… she could continue to be inspired to write (and get some stuff published).  I knew that I would have to find new work as well considering there were no job opportunities with 5.11 Tactical at the time in Minnesota to transfer to.  But the job outlook for someone with my experience was more open in Minnesota than in Florida… and we already knew the pay scale was better in Minnesota.

So there is the nutshell of reasoning behind the move and some of the motivations behind why we went to Florida to start with and why we eventually returned to Minnesota almost 7 months later.  Despite the stress and anxiety each of us has been through for various reasons – we are still together as a family.  We are back in Minnesota on our own terms on our own path this time and we will find ways to thrive and be successful – each of us.

Thank you and Happy New Year to you all!  Come back soon for another update (yes, I have another one in the works already).

Some days are good and others nowhere near good.  By “good” I mean there are no major tantrums, there are no problems or issues sleeping, the constant counting of days until “home” happen only a few times throughout the day, sleep is somewhat regular although he ends up in our bed at 2am anyway.  Those days can still be considered “good” days.  That’s about all we count on for Shane right now.  The change to Florida has been a big stresser for him as it has for all of us.  Being in a new house (although he’s visited here every year his whole life), not having any structure to each day and the everyday inability to communicate what he’s going through.  Bad days are ones where the tension, stress and anxiety are thick in the house.  Shane comes up to everyone in the house constantly to say “Hi” and expect you, in return, to say “Hi” as well and if not he gets mad.  Then, every screech and yell and outburst Shane makes in his bedroom (also his own man cave) comes out of frustration for something.  His appetite is even more diminished and limited than usual.  Shane will act out more often both verbally with protests of frustration and, physically, as he slams doors, hits walls and throws things with the occasional hitting or kicking of one of us.  His hand “stimming” (constant hand flapping, verbal repetition and moaning, pacing, etc) is usually non-stop.  These days are the hardest.  I hate these days; Brooke hates them and the girls do too.  We have to give Shane additional space, give in at times to certain requests (McDonald’s, golf cart rides, etc) and keep the environment as light and fresh as possible and focus on anything positive.  These days are tough though and they wear on all of us.  I can only imagine what it is doing to Shane.

I feel overwhelmingly guilty for putting Shane in this position now on top of other things he’s endured in his life.  And not having the resources to help him more is heartbreaking.  Not being able to provide more for Shane eats at me every moment of every day.  The guilt I feel also goes for Ryan and Delaney except they can voice concerns or challenges (when they really want to) and that helps to work through issues that arise as well as celebrate every success that comes their way.  It’s obviously different for Shane and his inability to communicate wants, needs and just converse in general.  We’ve hit a roadblock of sorts at the moment here in Florida.  For Shane we are still waiting for him to be selected in the next lottery at The Learning Academy at The Els Center of Excellence (being a charter school admittance is lottery based, regardless of need).  That, it seems, is going to take a bit longer than we initially expected, but at least he is on the list (again, keeping some positive vibes going).  On the home front, we are going to be in “limbo” (not the party game either) for a while longer now.  Our ability to move on to a new home for us has come to a halt and we will be living with my very gracious Mother and Father In-Law for the foreseeable future.  Yes, that’s right, 7 people in a 3 BR house!  But… we will manage.  I am still in awe of what Nanie and Boppy (Babo and Shirley) have done to help us in this process coming to Florida – in addition to so much more over the last 25 years!  Family helps out family and no expectations are needed – we just make it work.

Sounds like a sob story, doesn’t it?  It is.  And that’s not to say that this is being put out there for anyone else to sob or feel sorry for.  No way.  That’s for us to do as we wish.  And we do it often enough.  I guess what is behind me writing this is to say – “Hey, not everything is good in our house.  And not everything is bad”.  We put on the smiling happy faces for social media and that, truly, is not healthy.  We tell others “Yeah, things are going well.  We’re settling in great”.  However, there are circumstances beyond our control that make those statements untrue.  It is still our role to re-position our mindset and emotions to deal with the issues at hand and move forward.  My Dad would say “You have to play the hand you are dealt”… and we are, all of us are… and all of you are too.  Play it, go ALL IN every day and commit to every opportunity to make things better.  If not, you’ll sink and sinking just plain sucks and it is very tiring and will wear you down.

Most of you may know that this past week was the start of a new professional journey for me as I started at new job.  Yes, relocation/vacation is over and it’s back to real work.  Well as real as can be for now.  So pardon my delay in getting some new material up on the blog here but I hope you’ll continue to follow the updates and posts that do come.

After our crazy relocation here to Florida just over a month ago, I am happy to report (as many know already) that I have started my latest role with 5.11 Tactical as a Store Manager for a brand new store opening in West Palm Beach in mid-August.  After the decision was made to make our move after school ended for the kids in Minnesota, we discussed the options related to leaving my previous job with Carhartt or for me to stay in Minnesota until I could gain new work in Florida.  We decided that it was better to leave Carhartt to be closer to the job market in Florida and focus locally on finding new work.  Well, that decision was made back in April and not long after I came across a posting from 5.11 Tactical for a new Store Manager role needed for a new store opening in West Palm Beach, FL!  Could this really be?  You see, back in November and December I had talked with 5.11 Tactical about joining them in Minnesota.  So much so, in fact, that they extended an offer to me for a Store Manager role just before Christmas.  After some time thinking on it during the holiday and getting some very valuable feedback; I decided this particular opportunity and time was not right for me to leave my current role.  This was not the first time I had turned down an offer and probably won’t be my last, but it was definitely one of the toughest.  Considering where I was with work at Mall of America and just so crazy over-worked and tired I wanted out, period.  But really it wasn’t necessarily about being out of Carhartt as much as it was the retail “box” and MOA, which is a beast if you work there too long.  You see I was really after an opportunity outside of the “box”, as I have put it so much.  I’ve done this for many years – working retail in a store front – and I’ve done very well in many areas.  “Now is the time”, I was thinking, to make a move towards something that can help me grow professionally beyond the retail store.  After all the “thinking” and collaboration and feedback, I decided to stay with Carhartt.  5.11 Tactical was moving in a great direction and I had every reason to believe I could make an impact and grow but it just didn’t feel like the time was right.  And I made this decision, on my own after talking things through with Brooke and some of the people that I trust the most.  Well then things happened and we movd and as we were planning our move to Florida the opportunity comes up for a brand new 5.11 Tactical store.  It was fate, if even for a little while.  I made contact with the people I had talked with previously and moved forward with some phone conversations and it worked out that I could meet them in person in Florida during a quick drive and drop with the moving truck.

Considering the timing and all the unknown variables at the time of our move I knew that my job after we got to Florida was to keep looking for a job.  You never know, another opportunity may come up that is even better in many ways.  This brought back a lot of memories – finding a job.  In fact, my job was finding a job.  When we relocated from Delaware to Minnesota in 2008 neither Brooke or I had jobs.  It took several months for me to find one.  Yet, thankfully, Brooke landed a great job in April of 2009 with an insurance agent where she stayed right up until we left for Florida.  I, on the other hand, had challenges finding a job, let alone start a career over somehow.  I remember being constantly bombarded with questions – “Where are you looking?”  “Who are you talking to?”  “Are you following up?”  “How many resumes and applications?”  “How many interviews?”  “You need to get something soon”  And on and on it seemed.  And I, regretfully, caved to the pressure of taking a job with Comcast in their “Tech Support”.  Ugh, that was a sad experience and something to talk about another day.  Thankfully, a few months later a great opportunity came up with Bose again and I JUMPED on it.

Thinking back to that period in my life made me realize, again, that there are “jobs” out there for anyone and it will help pay some bills or get you out of the house or provide benefits for a family that truly needs that more than anything.  But the right one, and best one, will not always just be presented in your lap or like fate was when I connected with 5.11 Tactical for the second time.  There are times you will do things you don’t want to do when it comes to a “job”.  A career is the the job that is also a passion, a way of life and something you truly love to do.  Then you can see yourself doing it forever (relatively speaking).

For those younger people reading along here that have less experience in the working world, I have something to tell you:  There has been a mixed message said often: “Do what you want to do” or “Be who you want to be” or “Don’t let anything stand in your way” or “Don’t settle for less than you’re worth”.  And that type of message is inspiring and motivational but there is more to this statement that many people forget to pass on as well… “There will be times, more often than not, that there are things you will HAVE to do and they will not be what you want or what you like or what you planned for”.  Remember that.  Keep reaching for the stars, sure… but if you have to be the one that pumps the gas into the space ship – so be it!  So when it comes to the point that you HAVE to get a job… get a JOB, you can find something!  Get something to pay your bills, support yourself and your family and make an impact.  You will have time and opportunities ahead that will help you find greener pastures.

I’m excited and nervous for what lies ahead for me professionally.  Heck, for that matter I am nervous for what lies ahead for me personally too.  I know that there are things that I CAN control and things I CAN’T.  With this mindset as well as a very positive attitude, I’ll be able to take it all on.  Just as any of you can too.

There isn’t a joke in the title, I promise.  This big guy really does like cooking.  And honestly it’s not about eating the food but it’s more about creating something that I want others to enjoy.  Many people say that it’s an “art”.  I can understand that to a point.  Musicians make music for others to enjoy.  Painters and sculptors make beautiful pieces that are enjoyed by many.  But for the most part I’m not sure I can say that cooking is an art with the same reasoning behind it.  After all… once you make it… it gets eaten, right?  Well, hopefully.  So the finished product is short lived and does not last like a painting, or a song.  You could try to leave it out for more and more people to enjoy but I’m willing to bet it won’t last long one way or another.  And you can create it over and over but each endeavor ends up different.

I am not a “chef” by any means and I more or less “dabble” with my kitchen creations.  I’ve made more mistakes in the kitchen than I care to announce here and I’m sure my family would vouch for my “challenged creations” as they have been the ones that still choke down a new recipe here and there.  And speaking of recipes… when it comes to the things you know and know well… there is no such thing as a recipe.  Sure, you want to cook everything until it’s safe to eat.  Or you don’t want to overcook the vegetables until they are mushy.  And, Lord help me if I over-cook meat… especially a good steak.  But yes, it’s all been done before.  And I still keep coming back and cooking more!

Cooking for me is about the planning, preparation and having “me time” in the kitchen.  It all starts with WHAT we want for a meal.  This alone can either be a long debate or it can be simple when we are all in the same mood for something.  Take “Taco Night” as an example; we don’t eat tacos here so we never have taco night – that’s easy!  Well, we have 1 or 2 times but that was enough.  Or seafood:  I’m the only one in the family who likes any food that comes from the water.  So, like tacos, we never have seafood or fish in the house – that’s easy (SAD FACE)!  But then there are the nights we have chicken or pork or maybe we splurge on some good filets or ribeye… those are the nights we can battle out what else we want to have with them.  Does this happen in your house?  Maybe you or someone else speaks up and makes a decision on something for dinner and then all of a sudden everyone else wants to pony up their own opinion on what to have and how to cook it?  Am I the only one?  Probably not.  So here’s how we have resolved all of this at our house – I just cook.  If you want chicken – I’ll cook the chicken.  If it’s potatoes with it – I’ll take care of them.  But once the decision is made – it’s my way…. or as close to my way as I can actually make happen.  We have reduced the decision making time to allow for more time to cook.  I need more time to cook so that way I can have a cocktail or two to start off.  Oh, don’t tell me you don’t do it either!  “Oh look, this recipe calls for 1 cup of white wine.  I guess that means I’ll have some bourbon before I start then”.

The thing with cooking is that it has really become a passion for me.  I really do love my time in the kitchen.  I like researching recipes and trying to knock off things I see online (I’m cheap like that).  But it’s quiet time for me (sometimes).  I grew up in a family that cooked amazing meals for any and everyone and especially for large amounts of people.  My Mom and Dad cooked a lot and were great at it.  My brothers cook anything from anything and stay out of their way when it comes to cooking the meat!  My sister can make a great dinner… reservation, that is!  HA HA!  Actually, she’s good in the kitchen when she has time for it too.  I really think my parents learned cooking from their parents as well and I can now see how they learned to cook just from being in and around the kitchen.  My Dad can make anything… from anything (see where we get that from?).  If we didn’t have all the needed parts for a recipe – he made it work and we never knew different.  It was this trait that caught on for everyone in my family I think – being able to make something from memory.  It’s crazy to think how many recipes are in my Aunt Mary’s head because she was always making something when we were there.  Baking this, cooking that, etc.  Really, everyone in my family seems to have a knack for cooking and cooking great things.  Brooke has become very used to me being in the kitchen.  But when I work long hours or when I’m away for work, she picks up the utensils and makes the meals happen consistently – and she’s damn good now too!  I hope this is something that is hereditary and I can pass it down to my kids.  My girls are somewhat interested in cooking – to the point that they ask me to make something.  But honestly, they both have the ability to take on a kitchen when needed.  They could work on cleaning up first but that’s a different story for a different time.  In fact, recently when were were settling in here in Florida, Ryan looked up some recipes and wanted to tackle making dinner one night.  I selflessly relented and turned the spatula over to her (for one night).  But Ryan wanted to make Spaghetti Carbonara… and she did it amazingly well!  I was quite impressed and still waiting for her to do it again.  But that to me was a sign that she can handle the kitchen pretty well and with a little more guidance and learning she can do even more.  Check out the photo below.  Yes, it’s all mixed up and we aren’t here to make it all pretty but, this was very good!

Delaney has dabbled with me in the kitchen and helps make things when she’s up for helping.  She is really good at making “Nanie’s” Ritz Cracker Chicken which is a family favorite and everyone should try it out.  I’ll post the recipe below… let me know what you think of it!  Then we have Shane.  He’s not a chef – yet.  But he loves to help prepare the ingredients and mix things if needed.  That is, until he’s bored and needs to get back to his video watching in his room.  But he, just like Delaney and Ryan, will come help if asked but it’s limited.  Maybe with enough exposure in the kitchen he can be my right-hand-man in the kitchen one day!  For him, cooking is either getting McDonald’s out of the bag or nearly charring the frozen chicken nuggets for his dinner.

While writing this tonight I have been waiting on a Pork Loin Roast to finish.  It turned out well and allowed me a little over an hour to write to you all about a passion of mine.  Thank you for your time.  It’s time to go eat now.  I’m looking forward to sharing more food stories from the Whitney Kitchen in the future.

As I promised above, here is the recipe for the Ritz Cracker Chicken.  I’ve learned to make small changes to it over the years but it is really amazing and easy to make.  Partner it with some steamed spinach or green beans (OK, maybe a salad) and go light on a starch with this meal if you can so maybe some wild rice or roasted red potatoes.

RITZ CRACKER CHICKEN (No, Nabisco is not paying me to use this and please don’t tell them so they don’t come sue me for using their brand!)

Preheat Oven to 350 degrees

4 – Boneless Chicken Breasts (I usually filet mine into cutlets)

2 Cups Crushed Ritz Crackers (1-2 sleeves depending on how much chicken)

1 Cup Grated Parmesan (OK, maybe a bit more than that)

1 TBSP Minced Garlic (I just get it in the jar)

1 TSP Salt (Or less because the crackers have enough salt usually)

1 TSP Pepper

1 Cup Light Olive Oil (You can also use melted butter instead for a richer taste)

Combine cracker crumbs, parmesan cheese, garlic, salt and pepper together until mixed well.  Dip chicken (1 at a time) in oil (or butter) and coat evenly.  Then dredge in cracker mix and cover completely and place on baking sheet.  Repeat for all chicken pieces.  Take some of remaining cracker mix and sprinkle over chicken to cover any bare spots (or just because you want more!).  For whole breasts cook at 350 for 45-60 minutes.  For cutlets cook at 350 for 25-30 minutes.  The cracker mix will become deep golden brown… and a delicious aroma will come from your oven! Enjoy!